my dreams gave me away

2009-06-25T14:31:00.001-07:00

new location...same my dreams gave me away...here.

lucy.

feel what its like to be new

2008-12-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

this space is now officially retired;

if you want to follow the music and the ramblings

close your eyes, spin three times, and find yourself here

fill yourself with quarters

2008-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

mistaken for strangers ~ the national

"you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends
when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights
arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under
oh you wouldn’t want an angel watching over
surprise, surprise they wouldn’t wannna watch
another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

make up something to believe in your heart of hearts
so you have something to wear on your sleeve of sleeves
so you swear you just saw a feathery woman
carry a blindfolded man through the trees
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters."

this song is amazing, cathartic, and somewhat relatable; though i think part of me realizes that for months and months and possibly years it is me who has mistaken myself for a stranger.

i am taking a much needed break from much of everything internets-related. it is nothing personal, nor is it anything i want to explain. i just need the time to sort myself out, finish this year, and do some work on my life.

so, i suppose i would say this space is currently under construction, or at least the narrator of this reality.

i did my best to keep my head

2008-10-25T11:34:00.001-07:00

gold mine gutted ~ bright eyes

"it was grass stain jeans and incompletes and a girl from class to touch
but you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love
well all these claims at consciousness my stray dog freedom

let's have a nice clean cut
like a bag we buy and divy up."

ex-lovers can never truly be friends. there will invariably be the conversations that repeat and replay, each time leaving a fresh mark, a new scar. we all have the past one we let down, who we never were good enough for, who we never felt ourselves with. but honestly, i'm tired of being reminded how badly i failed.

just consider me a stupid girl who tries to still care about people she once loved, and maybe just from now on leave me alone.

everyday we wake up

2008-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

you, me and the bourgeoisie ~ the submarines

"everyday i wake up,
i choose love.
i choose light.
and i try,
it's too easy just to fall apart."

a close friend of mine is visiting. he arrived late last night and we stayed up well into the early hours of morning talking about life and love and all the in-betweens. he is like family to me, my adopted brother, and these are the kinds of conversations that make me realize how much i miss him when years pass by of us seeing each other, and also how much i value the people in my life who are friends, family, and chosen family.

it is hard in this life to be understood. and it is even harder to wake up everyday and decide to see the good things around us. to choose love instead of anger and hate, to choose light instead of the dark clouds of negativity. and really, it is sometimes far too easy to fall apart (i know, i've spent most of this year falling apart and feeling defeated that no one was there to catch me - c'mon lucy, don't you know you have to catch yourself???)

anyhow...another friend sent me a link to a review of an aimee mann show and the submarines were the opening act. this video was linked in the review, and listening to it, it just felt like friday to me, it felt like how my heart is feeling today, and how i would like to believe i try to wake up and live my life like.

at least i like to think i try to.

i can be my own best friend

2008-10-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

lua ~ conor oberst & the mystic valley band

lua ~ bright eyes

"and i know you have a heavy heart, i can feel it when we kiss
so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
but me i'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
the love i sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
well, it takes one to know one, kid, i think you've got it bad
but what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag"

the first time i heard lua it was around valentine's day. a good friend of mine sent out these mix cd's for the holiday and it was filled with songs and bands that at the time i had never heard, and would end up completely falling in love with. the libertines were on that cd, and anyone who knows me knows what that band means to me. ted leo and the delays were on that cd. arcade fire, too. i'm telling you it was an amazing cd.

this song - lua - was among the tracks, too.

lua took me apart on the first listen. it seriously dismantled me in ways that certain songs, pieces of art, moments in film, and pages of books sometimes do. i remember having to pull the car over to the side of the road and remind myself to breathe. years before i was so much like this song, so much that tears were streaming down my face while conor's fragile voice trilled out over the strum of his acoustic guitar.

there was so much beauty in the song, and so much desperation. a certain kind of loneliness that you know when you spend nights out far too late in smoke-filled clubs, pressing up against strangers in stairwells and dance floors, making excuses to disappear into the bathroom with chemicals tucked in your purse.

it was years that had past since i was that girl, but i still recognized her. still recognize it tonight. finding the live version, with conor and his new band, was a highlight - and it is well worth the time to download it. i did not think i could love this song anymore then i did, but i do.

"it was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
it was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
so simple in the moonlight..."

its gonna be alright

2008-10-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

one thing never changed ~ the pretenders

"that old train keeps blowing
through the center of this town
restores my faith
when the chips are down

it don't take no passenger
since the streets got re-arranged
but that whistle still blows
because one thing never changed

the boy i was loving
had to say so long
back to a world
where i don't belong

it affected me so
you could say i was deranged
but that whistles gonna blow
because one thing never changed

speak to me
speak to me again
speak to me
speak to me again

that old train keeps blowing
i can hear it in the night
i hold onto myself
its gonna be alright

people come and go
like cars changing lanes
but that whistles gonna blow
because one thing never changed."

i am blown away by the beauty, and sadness, in this song. chrissie hynde is a personal favorite of mine. her voice, it is that one voice, that one vocal range, that i've always found my own voice in. and something about some of her songs, the way she sings them, that just gets under my skin, and stays put.

i've played this over and over since a friend sent it to me this morning. tears come and go, and i play it again. beautiful, it is just tragic, and beautiful.

something about it reminds me of the final scene in the film ghost world. the part where enid goes to the bus stop that no longer is active. the stop where she sees the old man waiting, even though she's told him herself that no bus will come here anymore. and then the bus comes. she gets on and leaves. she is on to something else. is is death? is it meant to represent change? letting go?

i'm standing up the morning after

2008-10-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

elliott smith (1969-2003)

no name # 6

"if only you could just change your luck."

say yes

"situations get fucked up,
and turned around,
sooner or later."

between the bars

"i'll kiss you again,
between the bars,
where i'm seeing you there,
with your hands in the air,
waiting to finally be caught."

angeles

"i could make you satisfied in everything you do.
all your secret wishes could right now be coming true.
and be forever with my poison arms around you."

clementine

"you drank yourself into slo-mo,
made an angel in the snow,
anything to pass the time,
and keep that song out of your mind."

miss misery (early version)

"but it's all right,
because some enchanted night,
i'll be with you."

miss misery

"to vanish into oblivion,
is easy to do.
and i try to be,
but you know me,
i come back when you want me to."

happiness

"what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see,
that all i want now is happiness for you and me."

i miss you, elliott smith. i wish i'd had the chance to see you play. i wish i could have baked you cupcakes and told you how much your music has meant to me. that there were nights either/or kept me going, kept me breathing, and made me feel less alone. more than anything, i wish you were still among us, making music, and finding your own bliss.

i hope you found it, wherever you are. thank you for the music. i miss you.

worth reading: everybody cares

waiting in october mix

2008-10-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

beauty is tragic and we are forever waiting: an october mix

real love ~ regina spektor

"all my little plans and schemes,
lost like some forgotten dream,
seems like all i really was doing,
was waiting for you."

this day ~ the sleepy jackson

"the sun comes in the morning,
and it waits at night,
and i've got the one the only one i know."

how soon is now ~ the smiths

"i am human and i need to be loved,
just like everybody else does."

faultlines ~ dirty pretty things

"and all this waiting is just hesitating for nothing, oh-oh ohh.
and the faultlines and all the conjecture from both sides,
why-oh-why can't we change things?
this is destroying me inside.
you know you wanna run away."

ocean and a rock ~ lisa hannigan

"i spoon you into my coffee cup,
spin you through a delicate wash,
i wear you all day."

cobwebs ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

"if i fall,
will you catch me?
if i'm sorry,
sorry enough.
if i fall,
will you pity me?
will you confuse my love for the cobwebs?"

new york ~ stephen fretwell

"oh, hold on to me.
i'm gonna get you out
i'm gonna set you free.
to a place that I've heard on the radio.
never sleeps.

i'll get a job in a bar,
you could be a waitress and serve cheap cigars
to fat mustachio men in suits, you'll look cute."

neighborhood #1 (tunnels) ~ arcade fire

"then i'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours."

breakable ~ ingrid michaelson

"and we are so fragile,
and our cracking bones make noise,
and we are just,
breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."

most of the time ~ sophie zelmani

"most of the time i'm halfway content.
most of the time i know exactly where it went.
i don't cheat on myself,
i don't run and hide,
hide from the feelings that are buried inside.
i don't compromise,
and i don't pretend,
i don't even care if i ever see him again;
most of the time."

porcelain ~ better than ezra

"well i wish i could kill you,
savor the sight.
get in to my car, drive into the night.
then lie as i scream to the heavens above.
that i was the last one you ever loved.
yes, your skin is like porcelain."

burrito ~ pete yorn

"come on over tonight
come on over this morning
momma says, 'you only fall in love once.'"

guess i'm doing fine (live) ~ beck

"it's only lies that i'm living,
it's only tears that i'm crying,
it's only you that i'm losing;
guess i'm doing fine."

sky ~ joshua radin & ingrid michaelson

"last night, we had a great fight,
i fell asleep in a horrible state,
than dreamt that you loved my best friend,
my heart would not mend,
seemed it was fate."

blue jeans & white t-shirts ~ the gaslight anthem

"and we sing with our heroes thirty-three rounds per minute,
we're never going home until the sun says we're finished.
and i'll love you forever if i ever love at all,
with wild hearts, blue jeans, & white t-shirts."

waiting ~ the devlins

"i'll still be waiting...
waiting with the orphans,
waiting for the bee stings,
they tell me that success brings,
waiting in the half light,
waiting for your whole life,
waiting for an ideal...
a low deal...
a no deal,
to play your stereotype.
and if you ever find the time,
you know i'm not far behind,
and if you ever need someone...

i'll still be waiting..."

waiting ~ october mix zipped

we are like the sea

2008-10-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

lisa hannigan's album sea sew was released in ireland this past september. i discovered it soon after, and have been losing myself in its ocean storytelling ever since. i'm thinking between the over-arching theme of stories from the sea, and lisa's hauntingly gorgeous voice, this is an album that would be impossible for me not to fall for. her previous work with damien rice has played soundtrack and muse to my dreams and writing, over and over again, as well as accompanied kisses and tears of heartache. i am beyond thrilled to have this collection of songs inspiring me, and filling my musically-addicted veins; the following songs, especially.

venn diagram

"a note, penned clumsily in this century's type-ruined hand
saying gone down the shops for a walk
i'll bring back some sandwiches and then i kiss your face,
the black and the blue tie it into my laces,
i don't want the wander blocking up the view."

venn diagram reminds me of holidays by the ocean, the salt-laced moisture from the air clinging to the errant tendrils of my hair, still messy from sleep, tangled. seaside, that was where my aunt and uncle's beach house was, we used to stay there. i always thought it sounded like a fictional town, something out of a "where the boys are" kind of summer flirtation, or a stephen king penned murder. it was twenty-two steps to the water's edge, we used to carry pails and shovels, and that kind of childhood abandon, every morning and i would count the numbers as we went along. the scent of it, the feel of the breeze blowing into the bedroom through the open window; you propped it up with three books, the ones i had brought along. the one on the top with the torn cover, it holds a love letter, now used to mark my place (he thought i would never keep it, or remember). the morning comes and a family walks by, the vibration of words and laughter cling in the air. the youngest, a small girl with dark hair and eyes, she looks up at me. she has a daisy tucked behind her left ear. at that moment, that exchange of stares and a crooked smile, feels like life passing through. i was that girl once, and she, well someday she will be me, sitting here squinting my eyes into the morning, holding a cup of coffee in my hands.

sea song

"there's one man so bright he blocks the light,
and he'll always be so...
he's like no sleep on the weekend,
and though he is like the sea and he's right to be so,
when i hold tight i sink down deep..."

sea song continues the images of life by the sea. this one feels different, though. it seems as if it holds secret embraces in the side alley by the arcade, and notes etched on the backs of matchbooks, passed under the table with a slight raise of an eyebrow. so many words pass unspoken in just a look. by the ocean the passions alight, and the exchange, it can be swept up into the sea foam, washed out into the seemingly never-ending horizon. and you will forget my name, and i will cease to remember how your arms felt around my waist. we will become the silhouettes and shadows of a weekend away, the loopy-lettered script on the back of a wish you were (still) here postcard. you will tell your friends how i gave it away so easily, and i will never speak of you at all, except alone, in dreams. the way i truly felt about you, well you will never know that either. only the ocean knows, on the songs sung silently to the sea.

lille

"we went out to play for the evening,
and wanted to hold on to the feeling,
and the stretch in the sun,
and the breathlessness as we run,
to the beach endlessly...
as the sun creeps up on the sea..."

lille reminds me of falling in love for the first time. the calliope spun-sugar dizziness that comes in waves, deemed butterflies inside, or some kind of electricity. but to me it felt like running on sand, chasing after you, arms raised and your legs hurting slightly from the effort. you push off and persist in running, but the earth tries to steady you, fights against the movement. but you keep running, you keep trying, the other part of you castings shadows in front of you, and you take them as an invitation, as direction, as the lead you will follow. and when it is gone, when the day ends and that first flutter ends, you will remember it. that love will be the echo that you hear anytime you are held in a lover's arms, you will see it as a reflection as you search for the familiarity, and hope for that same reckless abandon; that same feeling of being finally free.

ocean and a rock

"i am far away from where you lay,
awake the day while you fall to sleep,
an ocean and a rock away.
i keep you in the pockets of my dresses,
and the bristles of my brushes,
spin you into my curls today.
i spoon you into my coffee cup,
spin you through a delicate wash,
i wear you all day."

possibly my favorite track off of the album, at least today. a long-distance love song, which rings so pure and true, and utterly relatable to anyone who has ever been in love with someone who is miles and miles away. i love the notion of keeping someone tucked into a pocket, or spooned into a morning cup of coffee; the way love sticks to us, and how we carry its precious glow into everything we do. distance is merely an obstacle to overcome, an ocean, or state lines, is nothing when it comes to being in love. this is such a beautiful song.

teeth

"put me back in the bottle where the sea meets the sun ,
when the bones and their rattle don't mean anything to no-one.
i had a swing when my salt was my own,
i'd my teeth bared for battle,
til love lost made me dull."

and then there is heartbreak, ending, and the death of love. the ocean is the place for that, too, i suppose. i know i've stood at it's edge with tears streaming down my face, trying to let the waves wash my sadness away. the death-rattle, we all hear it when it is nearing, we try to blink back the vision, shake our heads and make it go away. but just as we have books with happy ever after endings, we have the tragedies, as well. and this, well this is a song for that feeling.

if we never knew the elaborate pain of loss, we would never know the exquisite bliss of love.

you're like a rain cloud

2008-10-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

magick ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

"what goes around,
comes around."

west of the south dream side

grey carpet and burgundy pillows,
strewn around without concern,
all of it inviting, invisible permission,
to crash into each other,
feet to head, head to feet.

will you teach me to make a lemon meringue pie?
to make magic with an old 50's sewing machine?
how to forget the way his sweater felt,
the tiny balled up threads still clinging to my hair?

my face burrowed into him,
wind blur stung tears,
bottle of red wine,
half buried in the sand,
hand in hand, hand in hand,
make the picture frame crack, stop, dismount.

pull back the nylon shower curtain shame and
mismatched shapes, sighs,
you can't see me if i keep turning, leaping, jumping.

another five pills and my eyes begin to dilate,
the blackness take me over the west faerie bridge,
to the southside, girl, to the southside wind.

and you were there,
and you, and you,
all in this alice in oz and her seven horned dwarves,
weave it all in my veins, in the blood, in my soul,
these are dreams that wake the dead.

and i lie back on pillows,
let my thoughts fall careless in a slip and slide
pattern,
the water spurting out between my legs,
across a green summer grass stain.

you help me forget where the lines are drawn.

tie yourself to me

2008-10-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

rid of me ~ pj harvey

"yeah, you're not rid of me
yeah, you're not rid of me
i'll make you lick my injuries
i'm gonna twist your head off, see

till you say don't you wish you never never met her."

this has always been one of those songs that cause me to let my eyes flutter shut, and my imagination travel into unknown realms of storytelling. the song plays at being muse to my writing, and i see a plot unfold within the steady bassline, the sensual, albeit slightly disturbing lyrics, and the building rhythm and melody that just takes you over. it feels like seduction, like desperation, like raw wanting.

kate schatz felt the same way, and i cannot recommend the result enough, in 33 1/3: pj harvey: ride of me. here is her description:

There’s a thing that happens:

You love an album. You get into it—listening over and over, taking in every sound, beat, shift, and phrase. You sing along, memorize the silence between each song. You absorb it, you feel it.

And it gets into you.

A great album tells a story, whether explicit and linear or subtle and discrete. And when you love that album, when it’s gotten inside and you know the characters, landscapes, lyrics, and rhythms, there’s another thing that happens: it becomes yours. You own it, you have a relationship with it. You know each other. It’s your music, they’re your stories—you become free to put meaning here, add interpretation there, decide exactly what it’s all about, then change your mind with each listen. It’s mutual and consensual and very, very private.

And then sometimes you make it public. The album’s narrative begets new narratives and you want to share that somehow, let these expanded possibilities be known. A declaration of adoration, a kind of self-serving homage. Maybe it takes the form of a cover song, freely or closely interpreted. Or the written word: a critical essay, a trenchant article, a dissertation.
But you’re not a musician or a critic—you’re a fiction writer who loves music, who loves stories. The potential within each song, each lyric. And there’s one album that stands out, that you can’t shake, that you find as fascinating now as you did when it came out, in 1993, and you were a swoony day-dreamy teenager mesmerized by the music’s anger, its beauty, its dark and twisted humor. Raw guitars, crashing drums, love-wrecked lyrics telling stories of betrayal, revenge, isolation, sex. The seduction, the violence, those moans and howls. That voice. It was a whole other world.

You love what PJ Harvey’s Rid of Me did then, what it still does, what it can do. So you embark on an experiment. You reenter it, once again listening over and over, sometimes just one song on repeat for hours. You get into it and it gets right back into you. Characters, lyrics, and landscapes. Moods and tones and those feelings. You begin writing. With each song, to each song, from each song. Around and near and under and then, at some point, it takes a shape. Characters emerge. These two women. These woods. Chapters like songs, book like an album. It becomes a new story, years of listening spiraled out into new words and meanings.

This is the book. It’s not about Rid of Me—it’s because of it.

thank you, jenn, for sending it to me.

look like its happened again

2008-10-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

i see you, you see me (video) ~ the magic numbers

"i never wanted to love you, but that's ok
i always knew that you'd leave me anyway
but darling when i see you, i see me

i asked the boys if they'd let me go out and play
they always said that you'd hurt me anyway
but darling when i see you, i see me

its alright i never thought i'd fall in love again
its alright i look to you as my only friend
its alright i never thought that i could feel this something
rising, rising in my veins."

fires are burning outside, and the santa ana's are making my throat dry. part of me wants to just crawl back under the duvet and sleep the day away; perhaps dream of you.

the other part of me can smell the coffee brewing, and the music is seeping through my headphones as i stretch and wipe my eyes. suppose morning is here, and this is the last day before my vacation. there are things to do, and lists to cross-off, and traffic to sit in (while hopefully singing along loudly to a turned up stereo, albeit the blown out speaker on the left).

and we can always daydream, can't we?

part of me wants to escape into this video though. grab a camera and capture a different day. anyone care to come along?

i got a bad desire

2008-10-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

"at night i wake up with the sheets soaking wet,
and a freight train running through the middle of my head.
only you can cool my desire.
i'm on fire."

my current love of springsteen covers, and my new love for this band, is bringing a tired smile to the end of a monday.

it's just me, and i'm playing this rock and roll thing

2008-10-13T18:55:00.001-07:00

august & everything after (live) ~ counting crows
august & everything after (live, video) ~ counting crows

"you look into her eyes and it's more than your heart will allow
in august and everything after, you get a little less than you expected, somehow..."

and when autumn comes i feel warmer somehow, more alive, and i feel things so deep that my eyes are perpetually tearing. but i cry at everything, every emotion that hits me. some tears are not sad, some tears are the realization that you are falling, like the leaves, just hoping that you'll be caught, and held

and in august and everything after, sometimes when i think hard, close my damp eyes, i believe in wishes, and in you.

i want to find a better place

2008-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

"the words you never cared to say,
'i want to start a family',
i'm tired of all the people i'm seeing through.
the same idea;
it makes me wonder why i'm here.

watch me now,
try."

when you have found the things you want, and the place you want to be, how long do you wait for it to happen? can you just sit back and wish, when it may take forever? what do you do if what you want is near impossible? or if the timing is just not now?

how do you quell the desire to say, watch me now...try...

steal my records

2008-10-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

come pick me up (live) ~ ryan adams & the cardinals
come pick me up (album version, video) ~ ryan adams
come pick me up (live, letterman, video) ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

"i wish you would
come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal my records
screw all my friends behind my back
with a smile on your face
and then do it again

i wish you would."

you are my sweetest downfall

2008-10-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

keep art alive; art by joshua petker
samson (video) ~ regina spektor
samson ~ regina spektor

five minutes in and i feel the collision of desire and death; that cling to you sticky sense that it all leads to an ending of a beginning. all those tucked away reckless notions of self-destruction they peek their dyed heads out to whisper at you; fabricating the realm of fuckwits and faerie tales. want a piece of dark chocolate to go with your next beautiful mistep in judgement? tripping and falling with daisy chains wrapped about each ankle; you pull me along into a trance of indecision. die on the vine, and coerce my skin to wake up. again.

what about me

2008-10-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

accidental babies (live, video) ~ damien rice
accidental babies ~ damien rice

"and i know i make you cry,
and i know sometimes you want to die
but do you really feel alive
without me?"

today the music is speaking to me
carrying me off to an embrace of melody
the trigger-gun reaction of emotive lyrical flash-floods
with every song that shuffles towards me
i am gifted something impossible to turn from
or ignore

today i feel the music sweeping through me
lilting, luscious, lush
as i try to wash clean a grey day
a grey mood
a grey me

this one right here plays in the shape of my memory case
causing me to realize that music is so fluid
so full of pieces and words and feelings
often the turn of phrases laden with things i wish i could speak aloud
to you
or to anyone
really
all things left unsaid seem to melt right into the next track

everyone i meet becomes part of the pages of my life
every song i take the time to memorize
and sing along with
becomes the soundtrack behind the images that pass as a day

and some of these i keep for good
so that i can go back
re-read
put on repeat
turn back open the liner notes and have that moment
when a line i heard in my head
is different
and redirects the way i see things now

this afternoon could become
the side of the tape i will rewind
and play
again and again
until the neighbors bang on the wall in pleas and agony
begging to never play that fucking song again

and i wonder now through stinging eyes
how the stories will hold up in the end

will i sit with my grandchildren tugging at my sleeve
holding the hand of the love i take there with me
and will i read to them from the lines on my hands
show them the flickering images of a life
that will still play behind my half closed eyes
will i still remember the refrain before the last verse
of all those remembered melodies

maybe you will be there next to me
laughing
mock at what a sentimental thing i've become
while inside you smile
because we all cherish the stories shared
of our own existence

perhaps you will correct my additions
and enhancements
add in the erased letters that i choose to forget
whisper that the truth does not need painting over
with glitter
or exaggerated pause

but they all know that sometimes
that is just how i am
and anyway
colour changes everything
just like the contents of a song

you and i, we're two of a kind

2008-10-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

just another (video) ~ pete yorn

"i love to wear my work inside of my head,
i can’t complain,
but you should never react the way you did,
i feel your time.

you were lying wide awake in the garden,
trying to get over your stardom,
and i could never see you depart us
and you’re my baby…"

one of my all-time favorite songwriters is leonard cohen, if not my very most favorite ever. those who know me well know what his songs mean to me, and how particular songs of his have become interwoven into the very fabric of who i am. i know for certain that his music and lyrics, especially his lyrics, have fastened themselves so deeply into my soul that they filter and flutter out into the way i write, the stories i craft, and even in the way i express things such as love, loss, and wishes.

yorn wrote this song after hearing jeff buckley's cover of leonard cohen's song 'hallelujah', and was inspired to craft one of my favorite songs of his, just another. you can hear it in the first guitar chord strums, but you can also feel it in the meanings between the words, and in the way the melody and verse weave in and out of each other. the stories behind the songs, the muses and landscapes that move an artist, and the way the song becomes its own to the listener (my own stories to this song, they evolve, they flow, and definitely exist) are some of the reasons music means so much to me.

all of it fits back into my long-held belief that art begets art, and that music is the oxygen to nearly everything we create. i know, for me, everything i write has music infused and intertwined in every word and phrase. music is forever my muse, my solace, and my inspiration. i know it seeps into the way i feel, the way i love, the way i let go, and the way i express everything.

and this morning, for many reasons, this song...well it feels like everything to me.

even those in the optimist club have a hard time staying in love

2008-10-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

american blues, volume one ~ pete yorn

"this year we are not so sure,
battered and bruised,
young and old,
stable or stoned, stable or stoned...

it's happening everywhere we look in,
everythings rehearsed,
should be better,
lifes getting better,
why do people feel worse?"

everyone needs someone to blame,
but things don't go their way."

new song and video from pete yorn. i think it is incredible.

you are my life now

2008-10-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

"what if i'm not the hero?
what if i'm the bad guy?"

november 21, 2008
beyond excited.

and i think its gonna be a long long time

2008-10-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

rocket man ~ elton john
rocket man (live) ~ ryan adams & leona naess
rocket man ~ my morning jacket
rocket man ~ david fonseca
rocket man (video) ~ kate bush

"mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids,
in fact it's cold as hell.
and there's no one there to raise them if you did."

elton john, well let me clarify that, early 70's elton john, always soothes me when i'm feeling blue. perhaps it is the remnants of childhood memories. the recall of family parties that continued late into the night. all of us kids would be holed up in one of the bedrooms watching old b&w late night television, or episodes of benny hill and love american style. i could hear the music steal in through the floorboards, and the space at the bottom of the door...streaming in with the flicker lights of candles...the sound of clinking glass and laughter.

it reminds me of friends, both real and imagined, who would be around me as a child. running through fields of flowers, swimming in my grandparents enormous to me at the time pool, running on the sand by the pacific ocean. i lived in book pages and vinyl albums, lying on my back with the sleeves in front of me, reading the liner notes and pretending i knew all the names like characters in a story. my turntable spinning, on and on again.

i suppose that i'll just have to wait and see

2008-10-08T12:50:00.000-07:00

daisy ~ ben lee

daisy (lyrics)

i didn't see it coming
i just thought that you were friendly
but here we are passionately embraced

i suppose it's kind of funny
but it's also kind of scary
that your kiss brought back a feeling i'd erased

when you said that you were lonely
and i said i thought you would be
then you took me to a darker holy place

then i said i liked to kiss you
and you said you loved to kiss me
then kissed the sweetest kiss i'll ever taste

'cos i've known you for an hour
but you're growing like a flower in me

i've known you for a lifetime
or we're soul mates from a past life
daisy

it's all mixed with indecision
and a painful soulful spilling
of everything i've ever felt or known

and you know that they're all looking
so you kiss me even harder
then hold me and i just feel right at home

your touch is soft and tender
so i raise my flag surrender
then say "i feel you staring at my soul"

and it makes them all feel awkward
but our time here's more important
so we sink into our closed eyed painful hole

i'm scared of what will happen
so i kiss you, say i'll call you
then i tell you so much i don't understand

then you kiss me with an answer
and my question seems invalid
and i go to bed with daisies in my hand

i call you there's no answer
but i know i have to see you
so i call and call and call and call again

but you never get my message
or you choose not to return it
because you shouldn't, needn't, wouldn't or just can't

i'm lonely and i love you
for the moment that is what's true in me
i've known you now forever
joined at the soul together
daisy

there'll be no way to avoid you
when i see you in the movies
and i realize right now you're not here with me

if i'll see you in my lifetime
if again I'll feel you kiss me
i suppose that i'll just have to wait and see

but for now i'll just be grateful
to be touched by such an angel
and put it down as life experience

that my muse is just a daisy
with the most beautiful nature
will one day fall back in my flower bed

and i know you said you love me
and that's the only memory left for me
'cos i need you more than ever
joined at the soul together
daisy

my very favorite love song, and not just because daisy has been a nickname of mine since i was a little girl, or because i have a daisy tattoo, or even because i relate to the love story in the song. well, i'm sure that is all part of it, but even if all that wasn't the case, it just is quite possibly my favorite love song.

in the blackest of rooms

2008-10-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

i will follow you into the dark (video) ~ death cab for cutie
i will follow you into the dark ~ death cab for cutie

"if there's no one beside you,
when your soul embarks,
then i'll follow you into the dark."

dark places and scary stories, what songs capture that mood for you?

and i'm so tired

2008-10-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

good dancers (video) ~ the sleepy jackson
good dancers ~ the sleepy jackson

"don't always dream for what you want,
but i love to watch good dancers talk."

sometimes it is easier to twirl around in a dream, to wander around the world half-awake, with your heart still anchored to the bottom of a fantastical sea. there are no expectations in our own dreamworld, and not much of a chance at getting your heart broken. very few of us fantasize about disappointment and loss, so why not clone our souls so they can play among the other dreamers, letting the shell of ourselves do all those mundane tasks of a day?

everyone has to wake up though, every night ends when sunrise arrives. and sometimes, if you are determined and true to your self, you can grasp hands with something or someone from those dreams and bring them with you. a pot of coffee is brewing in the kitchen and we dance around each other with sleepy-eyed clumsiness - you know how that looks; messy hair, sore muscles, pajamas still on. if it is what you want then it is more than a dream, and if you hold on to each other tightly it is more than a life.

ah the night here it comes again

2008-10-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

la cienega just smiled ~ ryan adams
la cienega just smiled (live) ~ ryan adams

"and i hold you close in the back of my mind,
feels so good,
but damn it makes me hurt.
and i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now,
how i feel about you now.
la cienega just smiles and says,
'i'll see you around'"

(those lines, right there, they mean so much to me)

last night my phone rang and on the other end i heard this song. this is my favorite ryan adams song for many reasons both deeply personal, and also because i love the feel to it, the story that is being told, and the familiarity with the subject matter. i've had many experiences in my own life, on or around la cienega, in los angeles.

so when the call came from two of my dearest friends, calling from a live show in wisconsin, it meant the so much to me. it is an incredible feeling to feel known by people you love.

i fell out of heaven to be in hell with you

2008-10-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

lust ~ the raveonettes

"when the fireball goes down,
out by LA waste,
i come into town,
but only for a day."

another day

2008-10-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

my shadow is a monday ~ lavender diamond

"my shadow is a monday,
my shadow is a monday,
my shadow is a monday,
my shadow is a monday.
my heart is in a shadow,
my heart is in a shadow,
my heart is in a shadow,
without you."

i've always had a thing for songs with days of the week in them. i'm not sure why this is, though it is probably part to do with my affection for themes in music, especially in crafting together a mix. i re-discovered this song late last night while i was going through a stack of music mixes i've made in the past. this was the opening track of a mix i made for someone which mixed together the theme of new york and monday mornings. it was meant to be a in-transit starting your week off with coffee and song type of mix, though i'm realizing now i never sent it (well, i've never sent it - yet).

most monday songs have that tinge of sadness to them. they carry the weight of sleepy-eyes and the dreaded steps one takes to give up the taste of freedom celebrated during the weekend. something about the day, though i always took it as a begin agan and start over, that seems to inspire missing people we've lost, dwelling on heartache, and longing for the comfort and familiarity of a warm duvet, well-worn pillows, and our own bed. monday holds over itself a shadow of wistfulness, of longing and regret, and a kind of postcard sentimentality - wish i was still there.

but, for me, music is the ticket to fly out of any routine, any state of restlessness, and out of any dreadful monday. it is the way we connect, and the wings we all tuck within our 9am suits, business faces, and happy pants. we do not need masks when we close our eyes and sing. and anyway, i've always kind of liked the shadows.

i'm keeping you

2008-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

keeping you ~ tanya donelly

"my heart's not new
i'm not like you
i've loved, and been loved well and badly too
my body's been through everything
i've used and been used
i got over it
there's something that you learn on a tightrope
just outside the spotlight there's a big net waiting for...
my return to wildlife."

(this song will always remind me of you)

& a little something else, seems to lend itself to the song, and the visual...or something like it.

momentary magic

he sat idly on the right side,
smoking section,
the back booth.
the exhaustion of a lost adolescence,
baking into his dark skin.
weary blue eyes,
the borrowed light reflecting from them,
oh, those eyes.

she was draped in crinkled up lace,
too much skin trying to hide
her volunteer insecure shake of a soul
hands shaking from the adrenaline,
or the drugs,
dark circled rings,
giving her a masked superhero guise,
straight from the shadows.

and they were not supposed to meet,
it wasn't what the fates provide,
that kind of magic.

he caught her wavering conversation,
took out a needle and thread,
weaving their words into one.
a giant quilt of blue and black,
their eyes casting the gossamer net,
into the ocean disguised as a hotel pool,
and they dove right in,
interlocking the dangling parts of who they once were.

but this kind of thing is not stable,
and there isn't room in the show for it,
that kind of wonder.

he left her in a bright spark of blue waves,
she followed soon after in a blackened sleep,
bottle of cures cast aside the bed.
both of their demises failed,
and they walked onto shaky ground.
spilling the dust of lost love and splinters,
wondering where they used to belong,
settling for less than that dream.

for the soul is only initially entwined,
when there is that kind of unexpected

at the right place at the right time

2008-10-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

"but at the right place at the right time,
i'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine.
i won't have to quit doing fucked up shit,
for anyone but me.
and at the right place at the right time,
it'll be worth it to stand in line.
you won't have to stop,
saying "i love cops" for anyone but me,
your private eye."

hey baby, i'm just about starving tonight

2008-10-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

"i get up in the evening,
and i aint got nothing to say.
i come home in the morning,
i go to bed feeling the same way.
and i ain't nothing but tired,
man i'm just tired and bored with myself.
hey there baby,
i could use just a little help.

you cant start a fire,
you cant start a fire without a spark.
this guns for hire,
even if were just dancing in the dark."

i'm sick of sitting round here trying to write this book

2008-10-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

dancing in the dark (live) ~ tegan & sara
dancing in the dark ~ pete yorn
dancing in the dark (live) ~ charlotte martin
dancing in the dark ~ ted leo & the pharmicists

"message keeps getting clearer,
radios on and i'm moving round the place.
i check myself out in the mirror,
i wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face.
man i aint getting nowhere,
just sitting in a dump like this.
theres something happening somewhere baby,
i just know that there is."

it was the end of the summer after high school was over and i was overwhelmed with restlessness, and that feeling of not really knowing who i was anymore. everywhere i turned was a door, a pathway, an avenue, a choice. i worked at a record store where i spent most of my paychecks on the same product i put out on the floor everyday. i kept in contact with a few of my friends from school, but most of us had already started wavering and fleeing the scene; most of the doorways led in different directions for the lot of us.

next i knew fall had arrived. i was wasting time at a community college, taking classes more for the interest they sparked then any curriculum, or plan. it was the first time in my young life i hadn't given school my all. i really did not know what i wanted to do, and i had no desire to pretend that i did. i was lonely, and i was more than a little lost. music was the only place i felt myself in, and i flipped the vinyl over, listening for the tell-tale scratch of the needle hitting the surface, while i filled stacks of composition books with something i thought could one day be a book.

a not-really-a-friend called one night. we had an acting class together and had exchanged numbers to work on a scene that we'd been assigned. i don't remember what it was, only that it required bags of groceries and a knife. she asked me to come see a movie, a late night showing of rocky horror. it was another spin of 'some great reward' and ink stains on my fingertips, or actually leaving my room. the night was warm, unseasonable for october, and the still air made me itch to go somewhere, anywhere. i had my ticket in my hand, pressed tightly in the palm of my hand, when i saw him. what i remember most was his eyes, wide and questioning, as if he was asking me something already.

we seemed so different. he was from money, from a set of parents that were still together, and he exuded this confidence when he told me about all the plans he had for his life. he wrote screenplays, good ones, even now i half-expect to see his name scroll by in the credits when i sit in a dark theatre. he lived for music in the same way i did, it was like fuel he would say, and i'd say it was more like oxygen. our tastes was as different as our upbringing was, but we both were willing to hear the others favorites. bruce springsteen was one of his, not mine.

he told me one afternoon, as we drove down pacific coast highway, that i had to listen to the best song ever. he played 'dancing in the dark', the original of course, and sang along with the kind of passion and abandon that most of us save for when we are alone. i knew for him it was the best song ever, and that he felt it, every single word and phrase. watching him like that made me smile.

it was never my best song ever, and i'm sure it never will be. but i think i appreciate it in a way that i wouldn't have had i never known him. it will forever remind me of that time in my life, and the boy who for a few months shared his music, his writing, and exploits in the backseat with me. i'd say he was my first boyfriend, but i'm not sure he ever was. we were too different, and we never quite fit into each other's lives. but we shared a certain restlessness, and we exchanged a great deal of our desires with each other. we spent a few weeks worth of evenings dancing in the dark.

find the girl while you can

2008-10-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

a forest ~ bat for lashes

"suddenly i stop,
but i know it's too late;
i'm lost in a forest,
all alone.

the girl was never there.
it's always the same,
i'm running towards nothing,
again and again and again."

eerie and ethereal songs, what are some of your favorites?

lap it up, sink, devour

2008-10-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

cat eyes (and candy-coated fangs)

(mine)
inspired by poebegone's writing & shared music

under the beads of sweat and crystal and blue flicker
of light, we moved, we danced,
we fell.
you in your obsidian beads and crushed velvet pants,
pale skin luminous, glowing,
feathered.

i traced lines around your lips on the floor of your
room, pucker up baby, show me a smile,
collapse.
our hair made out of the same bottles, staining the
tile around the sink,
droplets of blue and black,
tears.

he circled around you, then me, in the pace and
demeanor of saints and death, crashing stars,
bewitching.
we drove there singing in unison, voices raised and
lit up, bottle of absinthe in between your legs,
green goblins of fire, lap it up, sink,
devour.

there was so much passion in the most mundane words,
the music sweeping in wafts of colour around us,
pulse racing, too much of everything,
nothing.

but no one would remember, crossed out names in the
sand, made up aspirations, titles,
goodbyes.

yet we have the same mark on our backs, the napkins
and paper mache, i still smell your flavours,
tongues twitching and trailing our souls,
again.

years have dwindled away, and these are just hidden
embers of time, decay, but i hold them up to my
ears, hear their stories, close my eyes, feel the
drumbeat,
and the light again, reflecting off your sway,
destiny.

a plan to get us out of here

2008-10-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

very loud
the comeback
please please please
oh sweetheart
go sadness

this was an album that came tucked inside a package from someone special to me. music is one of those gifts that sticks around and stays with me, especially when there is something about it so connected and relevant to life, and to a connection i share with someone, a cord of intimacy and memory that an album can contain. this album stayed in my car for weeks and weeks. i played it so much, and so often, that it became the soundtrack to the 210 freeway to the 134 freeway, and back again. i started to expect certain songs to play at particular turns in the road, and i took in the lyrics and they took me inside of them. the songs, they worked their way into a few stories i wrote down, and a few that just lived in my head - call them fantasies, or imaginary friend play dates, or maybe just the way my visual consciousness processes music i fall in love with.

very loud (video)

very loud is my favorite. it is full of personal connection and meaning, and it has those unspoken and interwoven truths that i used to stop and wonder about. did the sender know how much the both of us are in this song, or how significant it would become to me during our ins and our outs. it is full of longing, of determination, of heartache, and of desire. i always - always - always have to turn it up, and i always - always - always have to sing along. maybe you knew it would remind me of you, with each and every listen.

the comeback (video)

the comeback is a near perfect start to an album. it has that feeling of starting something, or to be more precise, starting something over again. it is that feeling of knocking on someone's door, or dialing their number with shaking hands, because you know someone has to make the move; someone has to say the first word; someone has to say "i miss you, and i was wrong." there is that tinge of sadness to it, and that stain of jaded hesitancy, a brutal honesty, i suppose. the lyrics match up perfect with the rough smoky vocals. together it sounds like too much coffee, half a pack of cigarettes, or a shared bottle of whiskey sentiments - something akin to "i've been up all night waiting for you to show back up again."

please please please (video)

please please please starts up and i am scanning the room searching for johnny marr, and waiting with breath half-held for morrissey to start singing. it has that jangly, streets of manchester on a bicycle kind of feeling to it. and the melancholic trills and melodic tale of a mundane existance, and the wish for the return of an errant lover. a cry of please don't forget me, you don't forget me, do you? and yet there is a pop-drenched resilence to it, a feigned happiness, we all wear that mask sometimes, don't we? so many stories, this album is just overflowing with so many stories.

oh sweetheart (live, video)

oh sweetheart. this reminds me of something - or maybe just a sometime - though i can't quite place it. it is more a feeling; a time and place; and old apartment with certain corners with stacks of books, and particular smells of sandalwood incense and half-full bottles of vodka. back then we all drank vodka, but now i cannot stomach the stuff. there is something early nineties to this, something reminiscent of songs i used to spin back then. i cannot pinpoint it exactly, but i know i like it, the way it sounds, and the way memory recall it hands over to me.

go sadness (fanvideo, the oc)

go sadness makes me cry. there is a sacred beauty to it, a tragic beauty, the feeling of goodbye. the music, it sounds like a lullabye. the kind you cry yourself to sleep to, a damp pillow under your cheek as you slip into a dreamstate comfort. i love the song though. it is so many kinds of beautiful.thanks for the album. i am pretty sure you knew how much i'd love it.

gonna have a drink & walk around

2008-10-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

"oh you were a vampire and baby
i'm the walking dead."

i'm a vampire girl, my favorite for as long as i can remember.
so humor me, and play along...

vampire songs?
favorite vampire film?
favorite vampire?

change

2008-10-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

your eyes flick back at me,
daunting, knowing,
reflecting the question i threw
up into the air.

for you to catch,
for you to throw back,
at me.

for you to throw away.

you have no answers for me,
i know.

no map of the world to spread out,
pin up,
trace with a magic marker.

"here's where we'll go, babe,
and then here,
with your hair pinned back,
my arm wrapped around you.
slurpees and mars bars,
for the road.
you and me, kid.
you and me."

spread your lies,
spread your paranoia,
spread your legs, sweetheart.

all for her,
all for him,
all for us,
all for me.

and you ask me if i am afraid to change,
without opening your mouth,
that tongue-tied up in knots,
robbed of beauty.

i lie back and stare at the plastic stars on the ceiling,
fifty to a package,
glow in the dark.

"hey baby, it's the fourth of july."

i wish i could crawl into the song,
sit on your front step,
with a cigarette,
wait for you to come back and say i'm sorry,
again.

and i avoid your gaze,
chip the paint off the wall.

try to think of ten thousand ways to sign my name,
where i put the curls and loops,
the flair,
the heavier push on the pen,
leaving those indentations on the page,
my mark.

no, i don't fear change,
i like the feel of the clinking in my back pocket,
the smile from a stranger,
with a stain on their soul,
ripped hole in the arm of my sweater.

"can i help you, ma'am?"

"hello, my name is...
my name is,
my name is..."

i long for the re-identity,
a new mask,
new paint on the walls,
that new soul smell.

i live for second-chances,
first days,
ears that haven't heard my boring old tales a million and a day,
again and again.

like you, my dear.
like you.

yet i loathe the forgetting i'll do,
the names that will blur in my head,
directions to that little taco stand.

what was it you liked so much?

how the ice machine clamoured,
where you got that scar.

i'll miss that.
i will

and, now your eyes begin to close,
with a whisper,
a frozen denial that slides between us.

can you feel it?

under the bedsheets,
through our fingertips,
the kink in your hair,
my breath on the back of your neck.

"i know we'll never change."

you know i cherish you, my love

2008-10-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

"well the stale chips are up and the hopes stakes are down,
it's these ignorant faces that bring this town down,
and i sighed and sunken with pride,
as i passed myself down on my knees,
yes i passed myself down on my knees.

now tell me what can you want now you've got it all,
the whole scene is obscene,
time will strip it away.
a year and a day.
and bill bones,
bill bones knows what i mean."

all at once

2008-10-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

"all at once,
i break my silence.
all at once,
there's no more hiding.
and all he wants,
is to show us how he feels.

they're all liars in the back room;
watch them all go down.
they can tell you what you want to hear.
but they will never stick around."

we both have our demons crawling around inside

2008-10-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

we've never lied ~ jessica lea mayfield

"and i'll kiss you like i want you to kiss me,
and i'll talk to whoever i goddamn wanna."

i discoverd this artist, and a few of her songs earlier today and could not help but fall for her voice and lyrics more than a little bit. this song especially, i cannot seem to stop hitting that replay button. something about the spirit of it, something about the words strung together, it reminds me of the way i love.

i like to believe that love is limitless. that it gifts this life with hope and possibility. and that if you allow yourself to open, to love despite obstacles, and to somehow manage to not be afraid to fall - well, what more could you want? and truly, how could you go wrong.

sure, you might trust your heart to the wrong person, and you may be the one that loves more, or less. you may find yourself stuck in some shakespearian unrequited love thing, the kind of love that rips you apart slowly from the inside, dismantaling the person you are. but even in that kind of love, do we not actually gain? in all of it...somehow...just the allowing yourself to love - well, to me that i living.

give what you want to have given, love as if tomorrow never comes, and try not to run and hide when things feel vulnerable, and close, and maybe a bit impossible. i don't know. it reads well on paper, or tumbling across a computer screen...but i know most days love is a scary thing to me. and yet, despite the fear, or in spite of it, i love; and i talk to whoever i goddamn want to.

let me out

2008-10-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

rootless tree ~ damien rice

"we go blind,
when we've needed to see,
and it leans on me,
like a rootless tree.

so fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
and all we've been through,
i said leave it, leave it, leave it,
it's nothing to you.
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me,
then hate me so good that you can let me out."

i want to quit my job so badly today that i am on the verge of tears and shaking. i don't know how much longer i can do this. i am a tough person, a strong person, but i think i've hit my limit.

but still i see monsters

2008-10-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

i see monsters ~ ryan adams

"oh, people are screaming,
people are screaming,
my baby, she's dreaming.
oh, people are shouting,
people are freaking,
i'm just staring at the ceiling,
waiting for the feeling."

monster songs?
and also...do you have a favorite monster?

& falling over you is the news of the day

2008-10-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

"a race is on i'm on your side,
and hearing you my engines die.
i'm in a mood for you,
for running away."

it comes on unexpected, like the faded memories of a near completed dream. you wake up and rub your eyes, try to recapture what has just transpired in the subconscious film of sleep. you remember what you first felt, how it grew and how it stuck and stayed. distance and time, misunderstandings and unspoken goodbyes, there are consequences to all of it. but, sometimes something is strong enough to do more then just haunt the subject of your dreams. but if it is real, perhaps it can become more than wishes. perhaps it can be something like forever.

a favorite song of mine set to one of my all-time favorite films. this one...this one is for you.

the feelings i fight burn so bright

2008-10-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

the ghost of you lingers (live) ~ spoon
the ghost of you lingers (video) ~ spoon

"just like a sailor with his wounds being salted,
i had a nightmare nothing could be put back together,
would you settle the score?
if you were here would you calm me down?
the ghost of you lingers."

do you believe in ghosts? do you have a favorite song about ghosts?

i want to tear down the walls that hold me inside

2008-10-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

where the streets have no name (live) ~axis of justice (featuring flea, brad wilk, tom morello, pete yorn, tim walker, serj tankian, maynard james keenan, and jonny polansky)

i love moments when you stumble upon something musical that you missed somehow before, but can now listen to now, and enjoy. i never knew about the axis of justice concert series, or any of the musicians involved in it until late last night.

this song has always been a favorite of mine from u2. ever and always one of those songs that I have turned up the volume to, especially in my car, and sung along. there has been times when the lyrics made tears fall down my face as there is something deep in the emotional make-up of this song, in the spirit of it, and the lyrics, that just shake me up.

it reminds me of chance, of hope, and of that ever-present gypsy soul that lives within me that often wants to just get in the car and drive until i run out of gas. find myself both lost and found in the world somewhere, cellphones and email out of reach, left with nothing but the people i love and the earth and the shared experiences between touch, conversation, and living.

oh hold on to me

2008-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

"please can we go away,
get out of here,
somehow today.
for a place that i've heard on the radio never sleeps.

i'll get a job in a bar,
you could be a waitress and serve cheap cigars,
to fat mustachio men in suits,
you'll look cute.

fuck what they say,
fuck it if they talk,
it really dont matter.
we're going to new york."

i'll sing along

2008-09-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

falling slowly (live on david letterman, video) ~ glen hansard & marketa irglova
falling slowly ~ glen hansard & marketa irglova

"i don't know you,
but i want you,
all the more for that.
words fall through me,
and always fool me,
and i can't react.
and games that never amount,
to more than they're meant,
will play themselves out.

take this sinking boat and point it home,
we've still got time.
raise your hopeful voice,
you have a choice,
you've made it now.

falling slowly,
eyes that know me,
and I can't go back.
moods that take me,
and erase me,
and i'm painted black.
you have suffered enough,
and warred with yourself,
it's time that you won.

take this sinking boat and point it home,
we've still got time.
raise your hopeful voice,
you had a choice,
you've made it now.

falling slowly,
sing your melody,
i'll sing along."

but here comes the fall

2008-09-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

pioneer of the falls (video) ~ interpol
pioneer of the falls ~ interpol

"show me the dirt pile
and i will pray that the soul can take
three stowaways

and you vanish with no guile
and i will not pay
but the soul can wait
i felt you so much today

oh no, you try
you fly straight into my heart
you fly straight into my heart girl,
i know you try"

this song feels like midnight in a strange city. strangers pass and you tell yourself stories so that any lingering fear will not cling. you tell yourself stories of past loves and past lives, and the things that still attach to your soul.

the sound of heels, yet to be well-worn, click click clacking on the pavement. the whoosh of tires peeling by, and you shrink to one side without blinking, the image of faces on the other side of hazy glass barely making an impression.

what stories do the strangers make up about you? the red dress borrowed from a girlfriend who wore it when she decided to give him another chance. the hair, she seems nervous as she messes with it, trying to twist it up into a clip, then letting it fall only moments later.

which becomes the truth, the stories or the night's truths. do we all exist somewhere between the in-betweens of consciousness and make-believe? this song makes me want take to the concrete, embracing the unknown, writing about it all in the context of a postcard, a matchbook, a love letter. this song, it reminds me of you.

but in truth i'm lost for words

2008-09-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

chocolate (live) ~ snow patrol

"this could be the very minute,
i'm aware i'm alive;
all these places feel like home."

coffee in the early hours of morning, and it seems that every song i hear makes me think and feel and cry. i am so reay for this month to be over. october, please bring with you colder weather, clarity of heart and mind, and perhaps a bit of chocolate (or overly sweetened coffee).

drawing circles in your concrete

2008-09-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

undercover ~ pete yorn

"and you held and then you tried,
i could never find another.
if you walk me to the car park,
i won't go."

my brain hurts a lot

2008-09-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

five years ~ david bowie

"i think i saw you in an ice-cream parlour,
drinking milk shakes cold and long,
smiling and waving and looking so fine,
don't think you knew you were in this song.

and it was cold, and it rained,
so I felt like an actor,
and i thought of ma,
and i wanted to get back there.
your face, your race,
the way that you talk,
i kiss you, you're beautiful,
i want you to walk."

andrea put me in a bowie mood early this morning with her song post about life on mars, and he's stuck in my ears and cerebreal soundtrack cortex all day. i've had various favorite bowie songs over the years, some for very personal reasons, and others due to memories, both good and bad, and then others are due to the amazing storytelling that exists in the context of a five minute or less song.

i experience songs and music with all of my senses, and when they hit hard and deep, i see them visually; tiny flickers on the screens behind my eyelids, changing scenes with every blink. i take the images that my imagination creates and i meld them with my own stories, and sometimes i write them out, and sometimes i hold them so close inside of me that they take my breath away when i hear them.

five years is one of those songs.

on the shore

2008-09-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

"when we have found all the mysteries and lost all the meaning, we will be alone on an empty shore."

arcadia ~ tom stoppard

you're one with echoes of conversation

2008-09-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

a good start ~ maria taylor

"it was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
you fell down, case and point.
it was a good start.
it was a good start.

it's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself,
and everything you're running from.
and it's the same world, honey, that has brought you down,
as the one that's gonna pick you up.

and it's a shame now, baby, you can't separate yourself,
from where you stood.
and it's the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
as the one that makes you feel so good.
feel so good."

there are images that float through the ether when i let my eyes flutter shut, as i try to let myself let go. i've never been comfortable with silence, and i've not very good with relaxing. the tension that knots itself just under my skin is somedays all-encompassing, and even though i try to push through, mask over the pain, and be a part of the collective expectation - well, it is my insides that are often brittle and cracking; falling slowly apart.

this year has been full of the blues, and i claw at the color scheme, trying to shake myself up in the process. i tear at the blindfolds and the bandages, try not to hide from my own thoughts and fears. isn't it said that wounds heal quicker when the air hits, but baby, it sure will sting.

i'm holding out for the good stuff. i'm wishing on stars. and most of those wishes, well they are to just believe in the same world that breaks hearts, and opens doors.

a cleaning mix

2008-09-24T23:44:00.000-07:00

“they were careless people, tom and daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made…”

the great gatsby ~ f. scott fitzgerald

i don't want to do your dirty work: (but) i'll clean it up myself i guess: a cleaning mix for whiskeychick

Cleanse Song ~ Bright Eyes
Dirty Work ~ Steely Dan
That Green Gentleman ~ Panic! At The Disco
Young Folks ~ The Kooks
Paper Planes ~ M.I.A.
Strict Machine ~ Goldfrapp
Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing ~ Chris Isaak
Rock Star ~ Hole
Fists Up ~ The Blow
Back To Black (The Rumble Strips Remix) ~ Amy Winehouse
Handle With Care ~ Jenny Lewis & Friends
Lola ~ The Kinks
Ruby Tuesday ~ The Rolling Stones
Humpty Dumpty ~ Aimee Mann
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing ~ Jack Johnson
There's Never Enough Time ~ The Postal Service
Close To Me ~ Why?
Fix You ~ Coldplay
I'm So Tired ~ John Lennon

cleaning mix ~ zipped

if you hadn't gone tomorrow

2008-09-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

"and you have stayed,
a mile away from me,
and you will stay
a mile away from me
if you know what’s good for you,
you could have stayed until june."

it's damned if you don't & it's damned if you do

2008-09-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

metal heart ~ cat power

"losing the star without a sky
losing the reasons why
you're losing the calling that you've been faking
and i'm not kidding

it's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
by hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

sew your fortunes on a string
and hold them up to light
blue smoke will take
a very violent flight
and you will be changed
and everything
and you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

i once was lost but now i'm found
was blind
but now i see you
how selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

metal heart you're not hiding
metal heart you're not worth a thing
metal heart you're not hiding
metal heart you're not worth a thing"

full lyrics tonight because i love each and every word. feeling blue tonight and chan's voice just weaves into the sadness and emotes along with me. too many days passing lately with this cloud cover so close to my skin. and i love the rain, i love myself a cloudy day, but this is not from the sky. just the sadness passing through with a song as release.

an autumn mix

2008-09-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

the name of it is "autumn"
the hue of it is blood
an artery upon the hill
a vein along the road

great globules in the alleys
and oh, the shower of stain
when winds upset the basin
and spill the scarlet rain

it spinkles bonnets far below
it gathers ruddy pools
then eddies like a rose
away upon vermilion wheels

the name of it is autumn ~ emily dickinson

it's the time of the season: when the love runs high: an autumn mix for amber

I Wanna Be Adored ~ Monsters Are Waiting
August & September ~ Elbow
I'm On Fire ~ Bat For Lashes
Mad World ~ Alex Parks
Black Dirt ~ Sea Wolf
I See Monsters ~ Ryan Adams
Northern Lad ~ Tori Amos
Anna Begins ~ Counting Crows
Colorblind ~ Natalie Walker
Run ~ Snow Patrol
Pretty In Pink ~ The National
I'm A Monster ~ Ours
The Call ~ Regina Spektor
Tonight I'll Have To Leave It ~ The Shout Out Louds
Creep ~ Damien Rice
Walking After You ~ Foo Fighters
Angeles ~ Elliott Smith
Song To The Siren ~ This Mortal Coil
Time Of The Season ~ The Zombies

autumn mix ~ zipped

*note: in another online community/space i am doing a theme mix project that i would like to share here, as well. if you would like to give me a "theme" of any kind, i will make a mix for you, and post it here. comment with a theme, or email at laurastarlite@gmail.com

i could have been somebody else but now i'm me this time

2008-09-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

come back home (live, aol sessions, video) ~ pete yorn

"in your life,
you can talk about it.
oh in your life,
you can live without,
can live without.

and you know you're hard enough,
and you find you're strong enough,
oh yeah,
you'll find you're hard enough.
oh yeah,
you'll find you're strong enough."

come back home (official video) ~ pete yorn
come back home ~ pete yorn

"say my name before you disappear."

it seems a new album is on the horizon, and a song has been released via myspace just last week which is truly amazing, and that makes me unspeakably happy.

- thank you, a, for sending me the song. much, much appreciated.

are we human or are we dancers?

2008-09-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

human ~ the killers

"pay my respects to grace and virtue,
send my condolences to good.
give my regards to soul and romance,
they always did the best they could.

and so long to devotion,
you taught me everything i know.

wave goodbye,
wish me well,
you've got to let me go."

a friend sent this to me because it reminded him of the first part of a story i posted last night. i can see the correlation and connection; it may very well become part of the soundtrack i play while continuing to write. i always have something playing in the background; always.

ever since i read about the upcoming album from the killers i was curious how it would sound. i wondered if it would veer more closely to sam's town, or if would be a return to their earlier sound. in playing this, and listening, i hear the evolution of both incarnation (though to me, sam's town is more present).

i like it, this song, very much actually. it speaks to me on a very personal level right now, much more even than the story i'm attempting to pen.

i cannot wait for this album to be released.

are we sitting idly?

2008-09-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

humboldt county
in theatres september 23

(would really like to see this)

finding happy

2008-09-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

"i was happy but happy is an adult word. you don’t have to ask a child about happy, you see it. they are or they are not. adults talk about being happy because largely they are not. talking about it is the same as trying to catch the wind. much easier to let it blow all over you. this is where i disagree with the philosophers. they talk about passionate things but there is no passion in them. never talk happiness with a philosopher. "

jeanette winterson, the passion

just because you can

2008-09-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

jolene (cover) ~ the white stripes
jolene (live, video) ~ dolly parton

two other covers of jolene sent by two keen friends (thank you, bianca & imaginary_lines)

jolene ~ mindy smith
jolene ~ queenadreena

"he talks about you in his sleep,
and there's nothing i can do to keep from crying,
when he calls your name."

growing up i spent quite a lot of time with my grandparents, especially during the summer months. my aunt lived with them, and i remember spending hours in her room playing her 8-track tapes, one of her prize possessions. she was a big fan of country music, most especially the female singers, her favorites being loretta lynn, patsy cline, and dolly parton. during one summer in particular, when i was about six or seven years old, i made a list of my own best of's out of her collection. the songs were all about infidelity, which at the time i did not understand. i think it was more about the strength and conviction in the women singing, the fighting back for something they wanted, that i was attracted to.

of course, as i grew up i would have argued that all that strength and conviction that i admired so much as a young girl could have been better utilized fighting for something more than a cheating partner. that said, i do think that those women had some kind of infectious fire to them that made those songs live on somewhere in the back of my mind.

i love the white stripes take on jolene. It is more desperate than dolly's original, and the fire that burns in this one is that unmistakeable sound of breaking hearts and begging to not lose someone you know is leaving despite the pleas. the last line, please don't take him, even though you can almost feels like a final defeat, especially in the abrupt way that the song is just over.

as if we never really mattered

2008-09-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

"take my hand,
come with me,
into this crystal scenery,
and wait, til i retain the ticket.

you would never have the time,
i would love to change your mind.

you were there,
and it was good in the beginning."

you know me, i'm impulsive

2008-09-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

"i'm rash and impulsive. it's a flaw."

~ buffy sommers, buffy the vampire slayer

man in the park read the lines in my hand

2008-09-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

miss misery ~ elliott smith
miss misery (early version) ~ elliott smith
miss misery (live, mtv, video) ~ elliott smith

"next door the tv's flashing,
blue frames on the wall.
it's a comedy of errors, you see.
it's about taking a fall.

to vanish into oblivion,
is easy to do,
and i try to be,
but you know me,
i come back when you want me to."

i woke up this morning to the bleary-eyed recollection of the flickering television screen, and the near ending of good will hunting playing. i tuned in at about the point where will has his breakthrough, both with his best friend, and with sean. i ended up lying on the couch, under a blanket, crying my eyes out. there is a long list of reasons why it hit me so hard, and why in some ways it was what i needed most of all today.

the sun was not yet awake, and as the credits rolled elliott smith sang one of my most favorite songs of all-time. last week was beyond rough and my soul feels beat up right now. i feel discouraged and lost in ways that words do not articulate clearly, and i know i need to make my way through the fog and sort out what to do, but right now i feel defeated, and tired. part of me wants to just vanish into oblivion.

this song helps, as did the scene in the film, and music; always music.

i wish i'd stayed asleep today

2008-09-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

close to me ~ the cure
close to me (live) ~ the cure
close to me (cover) ~ why?

"just try to see in the dark,
just try to make it work,
to feel the fear before you're here.

i make the shapes come much too close,
i pull my eyes out,
hold my breath,
and wait until i shake."

i have far too many memories that the cure triggers, a film's worth really, or possibly a the first half of a novel. for years (and then some) i could not make a mix tape without including one of three songs from the cure. they were never necessarily my favorites, as with the memories, i have far too many favorite cure songs to ever just pick three. yet, it was a certain three that always tapped on my musically-obsessed shoulder and said choose me when i was making mix selections. this song was one of the three.

this morning, in the pre-sun coming up hours, the song recalls a myriad of memories. they flutter by, some in jangly hiccups of images like some dusty film strip rolled out on a cart in a high school classroom. they all collide into each other in non-linear fashion, which honestly is the way my mind often works, random - ever random.

i remember dancing at cloud nine at knott's berry farm, the discounted admission with emptied agree shampoo bottles. we used to buy them on the way and pour out the sticky green liquid into the trash cans before buying our tickets. another memory, my first car over-crowded with friends, conversations overlapping as the music played. mike would make a crack about "the next song will be the cure" because eventually he recognized my three song pattern. i also see the first cure album i procured, on vinyl (as i seemed to have most of their albums on cassette, back then). it was not a traditional album per se, but some kind of collection of singles. it was a birthday present from a girl i barely knew in high school, yet we did spend most of the time in u.s. history class discussing music.

i was gonna reach across the ocean & force you to look

2008-09-17T22:44:00.002-07:00

unsent
(mine)

forgotten saturdays
yesterdays
lemonade stand driveways
sidewalk chalk bubblegum flavored
never ways

she tangles daisy chains and grass stains
late night coin operated washing machine
dreams

she asks the mislead father time
why has the moon gone bad
again

bounce the ball
pick up the jacks
one by two by three by four

finding answers in the skinned knee boy

kissed chapped lips like love
rose bush scratch scars
bloodletting
happy endings

she wonders where he left the remnants of a daughter
hair curls and five snaps down the backside
osh kosh
sears clearance sale
dirt

tear stains wisp of a promise
blown out candlelight birthday cake
shut your eyes

one by two by twelve by fourteen

she grows and grows
he never knows

august & september ~ elbow

she won't let you go

2008-09-17T22:44:00.001-07:00

don't look back into the sun ~ the libertines

"when they played that song at the death disco,
it started fast but it ends so slow;
and all the time it reminded me of you."

i am on the cusp of a really bad day at work, starting with an early meeting where i'm sure the client is going to be very unkind. i went to bed stressed, and woke up with my stomach in uncomfortable knots. so, stumbling on the news that they played together last night at london fashion week was just what i needed.

for a moment it made me stop and smile, and hope.

thanks for that boys.

& we can't build our dreams

2008-09-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

pete yorn (live, san diego)
suspicious minds ~ pete yorn
suspicious minds ~ elvis

"we're caught in a trap,
i cant walk out,
because i love you too much baby.

why cant you see,
what youre doing to me,
when you dont believe a word i say?"

i am pretty sure i've loved every version of this song i've ever heard, but this may be one of my most favorite covers of it - at least tonight.

and this one, glen hansard and mic christopher busking on the streets where he later filmed once, it just makes me smile.

you should have stayed at home yesterday

2008-09-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

enola gay (live) ~ omd

"aha this kiss you give,
it’s never ever gonna fade away."

i remember a particular night, sometime in the summer of 1988, sitting in the backseat of a friend's car with this song blaring out of the speakers. the beach was just outside the window, though it was almost too dark to see the water. i could smell the salt water though, as it swirled around my blowing hair, all the windows down as we drove into the night.

i don't recall where we were going, or much of the night's activities. I know that the company I was keeping were more acquaintances than friends, girls I worked with at my first retail job (a small clothing store tucked into the corner of what used to be The City Mall). We did not exchange many words between us, and I was grateful for the music as I was still fraught with the limitations of shyness back then.

music has always been saving me, in big and little ways.

anyhow, for whatever reason, and despite the forgettable nature of most of that evening, anytime OMD plays I'm reminded of that night. I have other memories attached to other songs of theirs, but this is the one that sticks.

who do you love?

2008-09-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

prove it all night by carrie brownstein

a snippet (do read the rest, it is worth it)

These days, we write blogs. We make our iTunes playlist public at the office. ("Dave, I didn't realize you were such a Yes fan. Every album? Wow! And what's with all the obscure Brazilian post-punk? Pray tell.") We use song names in the subject lines of emails and hope the recipient gets the reference. We make mix tapes to be played at parties, we DJ, we download songs as our cell-phone ringtones, and we name our kids after Dylan and Beatles songs. Maybe these things constitute new forms of wear, tear and overuse.

There's still something beautiful about a threadbare concert T-shirt, or about an album so worn that the needle can't find its groove. No one would ever doubt who or what was your favorite if those were the yardsticks. Today, there are more ways than ever to advertise and prove our adoration for music, but I still like a little physical evidence hanging around. After all, it's nice to know that your love has left a lasting mark on something.

So, how do we go about proving our love for a band or artist these days?

(thank you, andrea, for sharing the link with me today, i miss you...)

2008-09-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

& all of it
(mine)

i used to wear this black beret, everywhere. it was some kind of statement, i guess; or maybe it was the fact that a beret, all stretchy and malleable, was the only thing to fit this big head of mine.

she always wore the fanciest hats, picked from the shelves of vintage stores, estate sales; her hats had history, color, and intrigue.

i felt like my beret was ordinary, that it was trying too hard. but still i wore it. i was ever trying to project some kind of difference. but still i felt invisible.

i remember as a young girl, reading 'deenie' in my bed at night with a flashlight, far and away past bedtime. i remember deenie had scoliosis. she had to wear this hideous back brace that stuck out everywhere, but still she remained invisible to everyone else. i could so relate. i always felt like i got lost in the walls and cement sidewalks of every place.

and sometimes i still feel like that, too big and awkward, and yet still fading into nothing, nothing beyond forgotten. and, when that rush of insecurity flames through me, i try too hard.

yes, much too hard. i can hear it in my voice, and the way even breathing catches taffy stuck sticky in the back of my throat. i laugh a bit too loud, i tell too many stories. i find myself talking in these jangly circles that hold no real meaning.

inside i am screaming.

can't you see me?
can't you see i'm trying?
trying.
dying.
trying too hard (again).

those are the days that i feel as much of an outcast as a plastic spork in some faux fancy restaurant with no marked prices on the menus (if you have to ask...); you know the kind with eight forks for one meal. not that i'd know how to distinguish any of them from one another.

i'm really more of a diner girl at heart. milk shakes, jukeboxes on each table, lots of good, not strained, conversations. friends who know me for who i am, big head and loud laugh. gullible me, with or without a beret, and all of those contrived trappings of just trying to be. all of it, and none of it.

all i need ~ air & beth hirsch
all i need (video) ~ air & beth hirsch

& i can't do it again

2008-09-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

new romantic ~ laura marling

"so we stayed up late one night to try and get our problems right,
but i couldn't get into his head just what was going through my mind,
and i think he knew where i was going.

he put ryan adams on,
i think he thinks it makes me weak,
it only ever makes me strong."

answering bell (cover of ryan adams) ~ laura marling

"let your tears fall and touch my skin,
then your thunderclouds could rage and wail.
i will collect them all for you in butterfly jars."

i stumbled upon laura marling this weekend and fell for her song new romantic, and then later, the same sunday morning, i discovered her cover of ryan adams' answering bell. thank you, chelle, for finding the new romantic for me, and for getting music the way you do. i love the connections loving music forms, and the way it enriches the bonds between souls. and, i love finding new music to love.

screaming from the window

2008-09-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

unbilotitled ~ peter doherty (stookie + jim bumfest demo)
unbilotitled ~ babyshambles (album version)
unbilotitled (live at the boogaloo, video) ~ babyshambles

"the more that you follow me,
the more i get lost.
you think that you know me,
you're pissing me off.
yeah you say that you love me,
why don't you fuck off?"

i've posted this song a few times here, different versions and for various reasons, but still the same song at the core. i don't know what it is about this song, but i know that i've loved it since the first time i heard it back when it was a demo and i was just discovering the libertines (post break-up of the band, but they were new to me at the time).

i tend to prefer the stripped down versions, like the stookie + jim bumfest demo, more than the actual full band rendition. that said, there is something about the way it sounds played live. the video is taken a this weekend, live in paris, and though the angles are off to the side, it is still a very keen recording.

listening to the song for the gazillion-eth time today i try to ascertain what it is about it that means so much to me. perhaps it is the layer of strength in it, cradled in a feeling of vulnerability that comes through not so much in the lyrics, but in the way it is sung. something about that collision of emotion i relate to, and it sticks to me, affixing itself so completely that whenever i hear it i want to stop everything i'm doing just to listen.

i could be another fool

2008-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

say yes ~ elliott smith

"crooked spin can't come to rest,
i'm damaged bad at best,
she'll decide what she wants.

i'll probably be the last to know,
no-one says until it shows,
and you see how it is.

they want you,
or they don't.
say yes."

andrea posted elliott smith this morning, which set me in the mood to play him all morning myself. there are so many things i could write about his music and what it has meant to me. how is tragic sonnets and lyrical refrains have intertwined with dreams and moments, written plots and felt emotions, sing-a-longs and jagged tears. i wish i'd seen him play live, just once at least. and, more than that, i wish he was still alive, that he was still among us.

i have many favorites. angeles, which andrea posted earlier, is definitely one of many that i love. say yes i discovered when i bought the album xo. i remember playing it on my computer, back when we lived in the upstairs apartment in fullerton, not long after we returned back to california, from michigan. it was the first song to stand out to me, to make me want to push replay and listen again, that first initial song-crush that one gets on the first spin of a new album.

i love the upside down duality in the lyrics. how this song at first feels like a love song full of hope and wistfulness. the morning after meeting someone you have a connection to, or the day following that first time you sleep with someone (or don't sleep with someone). on a second listen though the sadness comes through, the realization that this is more of an afterthought, a musing over, and missing of, a relationship that is recently lost. a relationship that has changed who we are, even when we did not realize the change was occuring when we were in it.

is there still a chance? is this poetry sung that will help in letting go, or will is it sung to win something back? a last ditch plea for the other person to turn around and say yes, again.

& its high speed

2008-09-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

7/4 shoreline ~ broken social scene

"while you're walking away,
i will try to get through,but you've gotta know the lies,
from the lies they told you.
if you try to do it all,
it all will leave you,
if you try to steal the beat,
the beat will steal you."

movement, this song has such a feeling of movement to it. i turn it up often when i'm driving, the song builds on itself, becoming stronger, almost becoming a surge. then the chorus seeps in, breathy vocals, on the cusp of building back up again. it reminds me of desire, of passion, and of the spun out feeling you get when there is energy and electricity between two people.

it also reminds me of drives up the coast, the windows rolled down all the way, the smell of the ocean and the waves wisping through my hair, through the interior of the car, and through my thoughts. i miss when i used to do that, just get in the car and drive beside the water. it used to be such a part of my existance, the source of release and relief of just about anything. a part of me will always be very in love with being near the shore.

for my best friend, kate

2008-09-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

born to run (bruce springsteen cover) ~ adam green

born to run (video) ~ adam green

"someday girl
i dont know when were gonna get to that place,
where we really want to go,
and well walk in the sun.

but till then...
tramps like us,
baby we were born to run."

obsession and other love alternatives

2008-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

"what is the difference between love and obsession? didn't both make you stay up all night, wandering the streets, a victim of your own imagination, your own heartbeat? didn't you fall into both, headfirst into quicksand? wasn't every man in love a fool and every woman a slave?

love was like rain; it turned to ice, or it disappeared. now you saw it, now you couldn't find it no matter how hard you might search. love evaporated; obsession was realer; it hurt, like a pin in your bottom, a stone in your shoe.

it didn't go away in the blink of an eye. a morning phone call filled with regret. a letter that said 'dear you, good-bye from me.'

obsession tasted like something familiar. something you'd known your whole life. it settled and lurked; it stayed with you."

~ alice hoffman, the ice queen

you can't fly away, electric bird

2008-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

story re-writes
(mine)

beneath the surface of love
interlocking webs lie
tangled and varied in direction
latching on and letting go

sometimes the synapse fires
inducing benevolence
belief
at other ends the water leaks in
laced in doubt
as we begin to sink

miles pass between us
even while sitting side by side
and the soul is seen waving
mailing a postcard home

wish we weren't still here

then we struggle upstream
break the mold while wet
unformed
and we carve our initials
into the glued up cracks
repairs from the fall

the fog will return again
our feet slipping off stones
and on better days
the parachute opens

no one ever said it would be easy
slips
because some cliches
write themselves
indelible

so we memorize and fluctuate our tones
remind each other we are electricity
that we begin to connect
only when we let each other
disengage

electric bird (live, video) ~ sia
electric bird ~ sia

the stars smiled down on me

2008-09-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

dream ~ priscilla ahn

"i was a little girl alone in my little world,
who dreamed of a little home for me.
i played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

i had a dream,
that i could fly from the highest swing.
i had a dream."

when i do not feel well, when my bones ache and my head feels full of cobwebs and butterfly wings, i long for those moments when you can rely on another's strength, and arms, and care. it awakens some naive wishes that were borne of a little girl who still saw the world as wide and expansive, and still looked to my mother's eyes as something all-knowning and compassionate. i want to curl into a ball under a blanket, not necessarily to stay warm, but for that kind of safety and comfort. i long to lose myself in an inconsequential novel that i do not mind nodding off to sleep to, or a movie that i've seen many times over and again, that would easily give passage to dreams, just as easy as it would entertain.

looking back, though, it really never was that; not when i was sick, or young, or well. and all this is, right now, just my soul feeling worn out and my body feeling tired and ill. it makes me nostalgic (even if it is for things that never were), and it tends to turn my wants into dreams into longings into i wish that i could be a little less strong, just for a day.

i'd do the stars with you anytime

2008-09-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

romeo & juliet (live, abbey road) ~ the killers

"i can't do the talk, like the talk on the tv,
and i can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be.
i can't do everything, but i'd do anything for you;
i can't do anything except be in love with you.

and all i do is miss you, and the way we used to be,
all i do is keep the beat, and the bad company.
and all i do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme;
juliet, i'd do the stars with you any time."

i'm sure i've posted about this song before, probably more than once, but i'm having another one of those days when i cannot get enough of the killers' cover of romeo and juliet.

i was talking to jules recently about shakespeare, and i related something a professor had once told me; she said, you cannot go through a single day without encountering a shakespeare reference - most often, one to romeo and juliet. they come in the form of romance, marketing, wine, music and other cultural (pop, and otherwise) references.

oh my stars, i love this song - and this version - so much.

who do you believe?

2008-09-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

life is sweet ~ natalie merchant

"they told you life is hard,
it's misery from the start;
it's dull and slow and painful.

i tell you life is sweet,
in spite of the misery,
there's so much more;
be grateful."

i wander through the day and most of what i hear is the din and echoes of misfortune, misery and negativity. people seem so unhappy, so downtrodden, and often so ugly in their reactions to each other (especially when it comes to cruelty and gossip). it seems to be so much easier to be unhappy, to answer with a scowl, and to have the perspective that life sucks, and that is just the way it goes.

there are days, of course there are, where we wake up feeling less than ourselves. when we are hurting or sad, ill, or just in a blue funk. but there are good days, too; days when we wake up with that ethereal glow about us, when we have a bit of a music in our movements, and a backbeat to our steps. this happens, it does, i have seen it in everyone i know.

i don't know, i suppose i just long for a little bit of happiness sometimes. there is a lot to be grateful for, in all of our lives, if we just look close enough.

and when i see you i really see you upside down

2008-09-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

a lack of color ~ death cab for cutie

m, in color

(mine)

she was grey
scorched
languid
lacking
wrapped like a pretzel in the corner
swayingand i tried not to count the bones beneath her skin
tried not to see all the death surrounding her
i looked into her eyes instead
saw the swirl and the colors

her family placed her here
with revolt
and manipulation
they were still trying to make her a black and white character
something small to fit inside of their sitcom lives
but she had the bleeding tones
the bright hues
pouring out of her veins screaming for release

and she starved them
bled them
tore them
tried to kill the color of her soul
fit herself out of herself
for them

we worked in her garden
tried to feed the landgive to the ground something we couldn't give ourselves
i saw her slipping
fading
but i wanted her to just hold on
and i kept looking in the mirror in my room
trying to see myself as the sane one

there were always so many worse than me
like m

some nights the dreams would come
slamming doors in my head
in my thoughts
making me dizzy
weak
and i would just swallow
try to breathe
navigate the disarray of my subconscious

but, i was failing
tripping over my own stack of denial
just wanting to help m walk down the path
to the painting room
hold the can as she dripped her brush
at the ends

there were memories locked into those cement walls
tears
and we were all just passer-bys
biding our time
trying to smile and look "okay"

and, some of us made it to the other end
i did
once i grasped hold of the monster
in the back of my cloudy mind
and agreed to face off with the dragons
of being dismantled

i passed on through
but, m didn't

she painted her rainbows on pots and pans
on the ceiling
in the backyard shade
and then left us

sometimes in the color scheme of my night vision
i see her
not in a black and white re-runs
but riding the beast of sickness
conquering it finally
laying it to rest
in technicolor

* found writing of mine in an old composition book, written for a friend i knew, and lost, a long time ago.

can the child within my heart rise above?

2008-09-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

i don't need to sell my soul: a cover mix

Redondo Beach (Live) ~ Morrissey
Crazy ~ Violent Femmes
Gone Daddy Gone ~ Gnarls Barkley
Landslide ~ Smashing Pumpkins
Creep (Live) ~ Damien Rice
What A Waster ~ Adam Green
Panic Attack ~ Dirty Pretty Things
Sexual Healing ~ Hot Chip
Wonderwall (Elements of Noise Remix) ~ Cat Power
I Wanna Be Adored ~ Monsters Are Waiting
Mad World ~ Alex Parks
I'm On Fire ~ Bats For Lashes
Real Love ~ Regina Spektor
Because ~ Elliott Smith
Teardrop ~ Elbow
Just Like Heaven ~ The Watson Twins
Drive ~ The Veils
I'm Not In Love ~ Tori Amos
I Want You To Want Me ~ Chris Isaak

Cover Mix Zipped

color of my dream

2008-09-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

i'll be your lover, too ~ van morrison
i'll be your lover, too (live, video) ~ robert pattinson
i'll be your lover, too (live) ~ robert pattinson

"you'll be my queen,
i'll be you king,
and i'll be your lover, too."

jules has reminded me of how much i love van morrison's voice, and songs, especially this one. It had been years since i'd heard i'll be your lover, too, and i think i'd forgotten what the song sounded like, and meant to me. it reminds me of good spots of my childhood, of wild daisies, late june summer evenings that felt as if they would stretch out forever, and bursts of laughter.

years later this song this strummed out on a beat up acoustic guitar, and how i immediately felt like that little girl again. how it brought those memories rushing back to me, flushing my skin and catching my breath, the way music has always done to me. there are few things i remember, and smile at, from my childhood - and this song is attached to some of those rare moments.

the only video of the original i could find was a fan-video for charlie/claire, from lost. it works, though, as i always did love the friendship grown into love relationship they developed, and shared.

i've included robert pattinson's cover of the song because despite the fact that it is a bit rough it has that depth of emotion that the original has, yet takes it somewhere else - it feels a bit darker, more emotional, vulnerable.

i live to make you free

2008-09-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

boats & birds ~ gregory & the hawk

"if you be my star, i'll be your sky,
you can hide underneath me and come out at night.
when i turn jet black and you show off your light,
i live to let you shine,
i live to let you shine.

but you can skyrocket away from me,
and never come back if you find another galaxy,
far from here with more room to fly,
just leave me your stardust to remember you by."

this song came around and snuck up on me during the summer, around the same time i fell for the twilight series, and the two became instantly intertwined to me. lately the song has taken on a different shade and tint to me, as i have played it while i've written pieces of a longer story, and it has become part of it - and part of me.

sometimes a pretty love song is just what you need.

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

2008-09-07T00:23:00.000-07:00

keep art alive; art by hedi slimane

"i don't believe that anybody,
feels the way i do,
about you now."

wonderwall (live) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live in atlanta, video) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live) ~ cat power
wonderwall (elements of noise remix) ~ cat power

this was meant to be saturday's song of the day, but glancing at the clock i see it is after midnight, sunday. though sundays are my favorite days, my little bit of magic in a week; and i feel full of magic tonight. this song, it resonates in me, on so many levels, and in so many spoken (and unspoken) ways.

i am not much for oasis, i never have been, but this song just slays me. i suppose it is the gifts of the covers of this song that made me fall for it - my favorites are up there - ryan (of course), who made me pause and realize that this song is fucking incredible. the video, caught live in atlanta, is amazing - even with the crowd singing along (perhaps that joining in makes it even more amazing).

and chan marshall (cat power) who has this way of taking any song, twisting it up and turning it around, and making it her own - lush and luscious, gorgeous. and the remix of it is quite keen, i must say.

the way they fall

2008-09-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

strength through music ~ amanda palmer

"he picked a soundtrack,
and packed his bag.
he hung his walkman,
around his neck.
tick tick tick tick tick."

it took a few listens for this song to completely sink in, for it to seap below my surfaces and course enough through my veins to bring chills to my skin. there is something to soothing in amanda palmer's voice that initially i was too distracted by the sound to realize the content, and perhaps that is part of it, part of the inner lining of this song.

to build a soundtrack to fill your ears while you do something so hugely impactful and life-changing as taking lives, a background sound to cover the reality of sound, that in itself is so deeply chilling. such an escape, and such a release, all at once.

how often do we do this ourselves? not a mass taking of lives (i'd hope), but a barrier of something that shields us from the full impact of reality. perhaps it is the web of music wrapping around us, or maybe it is some kind of physical need satisfied (thirst, hunger, addiction), it could even be the illusion of words and language themselves; i know i've hidden parts of my self in the masquerade of storytelling.

the song is disturbing when you peel back the layers and look deeper, as i suppose we all can be. but it makes me think, analyze, dig up the dirt with my bare hands - finger nails dirty just under the edge - and wonder at things. in everything that happens, be it the beautiful or horrific, we are affected.

he took one look at my face and said i can fix that hole in you

2008-09-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

jennylewis.com

jenny lewis is streaming tracks from her upcoming album, acid tongue (which comes out september 23), on her website. i've been listening to the first song posted, and it is so damn good. i love jenny.

the site also shows some of her u.s. & european tour dates, some of which she is sharing stage with conor oberst, which makes me unspeakably happy.

"and by the rolling river,
is exactly where i was.
there was no snake oil cure for unlucky in love.

to be lonely is a habit,
like smoking or taking drugs,
and i've quit them both,
but man was it rough."

nice to be nervous

2008-09-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

getting led ~ adam green

"a man fills his quotient,
it changed his notions,
now you see of glimpse of liberty.

but fame could be garish,
it ends his marriage,
to all that you could want for him to be.

we leave tomorrow,
just human cargo;
getting led,
getting led,
getting led."

adam green has been singing to me all morning, even when my music wasn't playing. you ever have that happen? wake up with a singer in the back of your mind, singing songs to you that will invariably get stuck in your thoughts and insert themselves into conversations, and the words you choose to express yourself?

i am remembering kate and i seeing him play at the troubador. how unassuming and shy he seemed when we spoke to him, and how different he was on-stage - energetic, goofy, powerful. there is so much soul in his voice, a depth that hints at an age far beyond his numbers. plus, the silliness, the absurd, the random - i have such a weakness for that.

so, i suppose he isn't too bad to have in a back of my head gig for the day.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

2008-09-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

hands down (live) ~ dashboard confessional & michael stipe

thanks to chelle for originally introducing me to this song, and the live version of it, with michael stipe. i almost wish i could hear a version with just michael singing it, his voice has a different level of passion and depth when he sings his parts of the song, which gift the song with stronger feelings, at least to me. it bypasses the adolescent sentiment about new love, and secret passions, and takes it a step further.

i'd say this is a guilty pleasure song, but i try not to feel guilty for things i enjoy. it's just a fucking good song (especially the cover, download it, truly).

i may be great tomorrow, but hopeless yesterday

2008-09-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

don't get me wrong ~ the pretenders
don't get me wrong ~ lily allen (cover)

"don't get me wrong,
if i'm looking kind of dazzled;
i see neon lights,
whenever you walk by."

"do i dazzle you?" ~ e. cullen
"frequently." ~ b. swan

i love synchronicity. those moments when you are experiencing something so strongly, or taking something in deeply, and suddenly you are surrounded by reminders, coincidences, and mirrored reflections of your inner make-up.

i love cover songs. the new dip into something familiar, and how you can hear the unique something that is added when a new voice adds something to an existing piece of art. in a way it is similar to writing with a certain song, or collection of songs, playing in the background. you take from it, you sew it into the lines and phrases, and you create a new representation.

all of it, is it not just shared experiences? the collective unconscious taking a turn in the playground of energy, lyrical refrain, and magic - who could not fall for that?