you're gonna give it all a try

does anyone actually say a penny for your thoughts anymore? do we stop and take the time to ask how each other are thinking, do we ask much of anything anymore? sometimes i think the advances in technology and communication has actually made us less communicative, at least to each other. sure, we all have spaces to call our own, and to share ourselves in, but have we lost a sense of connection and community in the process?

not that i'm any better at this then anyone else, and it is rather ironic for me to be posting in my personal blog about whether or not we are too caught up in our personal things to truly communicate, but it was something that has been on my mind lately.

if you asked me for my thoughts today i would say that i'm ready for some change. not the big changes i've been known to take in the past. i am not packing up my car and moving across the country, i am not uprooting myself in any way actually, nor am i leaving or starting a relationship. a matter of fact, i really want to hold my family and relationship closer in the days to come. i think the kind of change i am considering is more local, more personal, more connection focused.

i would like to get to know the world better. i would like to know my friends and family better. i would like to know the artists, musicians, filmmakers, authors - the people who fill my world with color and beauty and awe and inspiration - better. i am thinking that as i connect more to the life i live, the people i love and admire, and to the things i find so keen, i will get to know myself better in all of it; or, at least that is my hope. i think sometimes if we open our arms, minds and hearts to the world we live in we get more of ourselves back.

so, there will be some changes around here, some projects i've been formulating, and hopefully some things that inspire others to respond, share, write, connect.

and, of course, there will be a whole lot of music.

change ~ the lightning seeds

i sway in your waves, i sing in your sleep

i realize now you're not to be blamed my love
you didn't choose your name my love
you never crossed the seven seas
i realize now you're not to be blamed my love
you didn't choose your name my love
you never crossed the seven seas."

silently ~ blonde redhead

she said she knew what my books did not

we have all had them in our lives, those people who have a light to them, a spark. these are the people who push us a little farther, who challenge us, who make us open up parts of us that we did not even know existed. and sometimes they stay for a lifetime, sometimes they come and go in a flash; sometimes they are friends, lovers, strangers we share a seat on the train with, or a child who asks a question that has us reeling and thinking for days after. they are part of our story, the pages that are loaded with the stuff of whispers and i will always remembers.

i don't believe i went too far
i said i was willing
she said she knew what my books did not
i thought she knew what's up

past the mission
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
past the mission
they're closing every hour
past the mission
i smell the roses

she said they all think they know him
well she knew him better
everyone wanted something from him
i did too but i shut my mouth
he just gave me a smile

past the mission
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
past the mission
they're closing every hour
past the mission
i smell the roses
past the mission
and i smell the roses

hey they found a body
not sure it was his but they're using his name
and she gave him shelter
and somewhere i know she knows
somethings only she knows

past the mission
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
past the mission
they're closing every hour
past the mission
i smell the roses

past the mission
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
past the mission
they're closing every hour
past the mission
i smell the roses

past the mission
and i smell the roses
past the mission
and i smell the roses

past the mission ~ tori amos

we escape

late night turnstiles and the echoes of midnight: a very random mix

back on the chain gang ~ the pretenders
impossible things #2 ~ looper
the good that won't come out ~ rilo kiley
john's star ~ the national

exit music (for a film) ~ radiohead
the waitress ~ tori amos
dark star ~ beck
last of days ~ a fine frenzy
julia ~ low millions
ordinary life ~ kristin barry

leaving on a jet plane ~ hang ups

arabian knights ~ siouxsie & the banshees

if ~ islands
good woman ~ cat power
evaporated ~ ben folds five
no more ~ matt pond pa
merry happy ~ kate nash
overdue ~ the get up kids
beautiful ~ moby
high times ~ elliott smith

and in many different ways she's a lot smarter than me

"there were three more lovers,
but they all got cold feet,
and i know that there were others,
but she's so discreet.

but a wave of his hand's enough
to get her back again."

something so wild ~ bettie serveert

just before the heart breaks

"he was playing a character i had invented, which is somewhat telling. in desperate love, it's always like this, isn't it? in desperate love, we always invent the characters of our own partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

eat, pray, love ~ elizabeth gilbert

let’s go chasing dragons through the snow

i tend to hold most of musical nostalgia for the 80’s, which i suppose is typical. i think we all veer toward the music of our adolescence when looking back and reflecting in a musical way. so much of that angst and emotion in being a teenager is so fulfilled, comforted and elevated in music.

but, today i am remembering how much the music of the 90’s means to me. a different chapter in my life, and sometimes i think it was heavier in emotion, angst, mistakes and growing. we do a lot of falling, literally and figuratively, in our twenties. at least i know i skinned more than my knees, and unraveled more than just sweaters.

“and i don’t know who you are
but i know what i would like you to be
a one-night stand under stoned persuasion
but a joy that i can’t hide
gently take my skull for a ride.”

skull ~ sebadoh

shame

sometimes i notice things in another person that i tuck away, and try to ignore. i prefer to think the best of people, to see their shiny bits, and close my eyes to some of the rougher edges. this does not mean i have issues with flaws, on the contrary, i happen to love the flaws that make us all human. what i mean more is the pieces of people that are hurtful, deceitful, or cruel. we all have those things, i suppose, but most of us contain them, control them, or work hard to overcome them. hoping for that is part of what makes me go blind to it, and part of it is denial. that said, it is always there, no matter how carefully i hide the feelings, if i have felt it i still do somewhere.

then one day it hits me, a lie surfaces, a behavior rears it's self to the light and i realize that i should have kept my eyes open with this. and, somehow in the process of it all, i end up stuck in it. a foot, or a finger, or sometimes my heart stained by it. i used to fall into defense when something like that would happen, an act to most likely justify the fact that deep down i knew it all along. but, i think i'm learning a lot lately about who i am, and what i want to be. and, sitting around doing something that isn't right, and then getting angry at someone else for doing the very same thing; i suppose it is like taking a spotlight and putting all of it under there for closer investigation.

the truth is, i did know it all along, and i am not the girl for this. it is a shame, though, i really believed in you.

"a long time you waited
you thought it had abated
shame of it all
the harm that it causes
pours down like a faucet
shame of it all."

shame ~ low

oh baby fly away

"how are you so burnt when you're barely on fire?"

malibu ~ hole

the pictures changing every moment

keep art alive; art by kelly vivanco

as a young girl i used to see my future as this vibrant, colorful, ever-changing gypsy-adventure. i did not expect to stay in one place for very long. i knew there would be music, dreams, my best friend at my side (or somewhat close by), and i would be writing something. back then i thought it to be plays or movies, ones that we would act in together, all my friends and pets and boys i had crushes on. this was before my dreams of being in a girl group, or my older goals of teaching and writing novels. i saw tomorrow made of the stuff of possibilities, of the unknown, and of a sky full of stars that would sometimes rain down and turn into the sea. maybe we would catch them, those falling sparkly things, and we would leave our wishes on them. we would use their glow to paint with, to write with, to sing with; and we would leave behind a legacy of lyrics and magic.

sometimes, when i squint my eyes just right, i realize that i was not so off with my visions. sometimes i realize most of my life is all of that, and more.

avalon ~ roxy music