steal my records

come pick me up (live) ~ ryan adams & the cardinals
come pick me up (album version, video) ~ ryan adams
come pick me up (live, letterman, video) ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

"i wish you would
come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal my records
screw all my friends behind my back
with a smile on your face
and then do it again

i wish you would."

and i think its gonna be a long long time

rocket man ~ elton john
rocket man (live) ~ ryan adams & leona naess
rocket man ~ my morning jacket
rocket man ~ david fonseca
rocket man (video) ~ kate bush

"mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids,
in fact it's cold as hell.
and there's no one there to raise them if you did."

elton john, well let me clarify that, early 70's elton john, always soothes me when i'm feeling blue. perhaps it is the remnants of childhood memories. the recall of family parties that continued late into the night. all of us kids would be holed up in one of the bedrooms watching old b&w late night television, or episodes of benny hill and love american style. i could hear the music steal in through the floorboards, and the space at the bottom of the door...streaming in with the flicker lights of candles...the sound of clinking glass and laughter.

it reminds me of friends, both real and imagined, who would be around me as a child. running through fields of flowers, swimming in my grandparents enormous to me at the time pool, running on the sand by the pacific ocean. i lived in book pages and vinyl albums, lying on my back with the sleeves in front of me, reading the liner notes and pretending i knew all the names like characters in a story. my turntable spinning, on and on again.

ah the night here it comes again

la cienega just smiled ~ ryan adams
la cienega just smiled (live) ~ ryan adams

"and i hold you close in the back of my mind,
feels so good,
but damn it makes me hurt.
and i'm too scared to know how i feel about you now,
how i feel about you now.
la cienega just smiles and says,
'i'll see you around'"

(those lines, right there, they mean so much to me)

last night my phone rang and on the other end i heard this song. this is my favorite ryan adams song for many reasons both deeply personal, and also because i love the feel to it, the story that is being told, and the familiarity with the subject matter. i've had many experiences in my own life, on or around la cienega, in los angeles.

so when the call came from two of my dearest friends, calling from a live show in wisconsin, it meant the so much to me. it is an incredible feeling to feel known by people you love.

but still i see monsters

i see monsters ~ ryan adams

"oh, people are screaming,
people are screaming,
my baby, she's dreaming.
oh, people are shouting,
people are freaking,
i'm just staring at the ceiling,
waiting for the feeling."

monster songs?
and also...do you have a favorite monster?

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

keep art alive; art by hedi slimane

"i don't believe that anybody,
feels the way i do,
about you now."

wonderwall (live) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live in atlanta, video) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live) ~ cat power
wonderwall (elements of noise remix) ~ cat power

this was meant to be saturday's song of the day, but glancing at the clock i see it is after midnight, sunday. though sundays are my favorite days, my little bit of magic in a week; and i feel full of magic tonight. this song, it resonates in me, on so many levels, and in so many spoken (and unspoken) ways.

i am not much for oasis, i never have been, but this song just slays me. i suppose it is the gifts of the covers of this song that made me fall for it - my favorites are up there - ryan (of course), who made me pause and realize that this song is fucking incredible. the video, caught live in atlanta, is amazing - even with the crowd singing along (perhaps that joining in makes it even more amazing).

and chan marshall (cat power) who has this way of taking any song, twisting it up and turning it around, and making it her own - lush and luscious, gorgeous. and the remix of it is quite keen, i must say.

but i'm just sayin' hi

answering bell (live on jay leno) ~ ryan adams & adam duritz

oh my stars, ryan and adam.

*heart flutters*

"did i slip?
I know i stumbled.
did i trip?
'cause i know i fell.
all's i know is i'll wake up here in my clothes tomorrow.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i run?
i thought i was walkin',
through your inexhaustible gale.
the names are changed but the constellations,
are still fallin'.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

let yoru tears fall and touch my skin.
then your thunderclouds could rage and wail.
i will collect them all for you in a butterfly jar.
and, oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
buut, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i sleep?
'cause i musta been dreamin'.
did i weep?
'cause i cried like hell.
all's i want is your fortress of tears to crumble.
and, oh girl, i'd tear 'em down myself.
and, oh girl, the stories i could tell.
but, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell."

i'm not the man you think i am, at all

rocket man (cover) ~ ryan adams

"she packed my bags last night pre-flight,

zero hour nine a.m.

and i'm gonna be high as a kite, by then.

i miss the earth so much,

i miss my wife;

it's lonely out in space.

on such a timeless flight."

one of my favorite songs covered by one of my favorite singers.

still i see monsters

the night started with a mixed up directions foible, not something all that uncommon when driving anywhere with me. this time, though, it was truly a mistake in directions as one necessary freeway was left out. we eventually solved the mishap and made it to the show. the campus of ucla is always a bit of a surprise to me, lush and beautiful, rather how i always picture universities are meant to look due to the depictions i have seen on the screen. the night was cool and crisp, but clear enough to see stars - orion's belt, to be precise, as pointed out by kate's young son, austin. fitting to the starry night, the first song we caught as we descended the stairs leading to our balcony seats, was when the stars go blue. the stage, lit up in glorious blue lights that shone on and around the shadowy silhouettes of cactus, set the tone and enveloped us into the music immediately.

i am not a fan of arriving late to shows, stumbling about in the dark to find a seat and not being there when the lights go down always leave me feeling a little disjointed, but not this time. the music would not let me, it pulled me right in and i was spinning around in it for the rest of the set.

despite the fact that i had been told time and again how incredible ryan is live, it still blew me away at what kind of performer he actually is. his talent is breathtaking, handling his guitars as if they were extensions of his own body, bending and pulling into each progression and strum. and later, sat in front of the piano, blowing me away once again with the music that just seeps out of his small frame. and then there was his voice, soaring and sultry, going everywhere from heartbreaking in songs like blue hotel (a recent favorite of mine), to playful and retro rock and roll on shakedown on 9th street (making me smile with the chorus of "lucy, lucy my gal").

covers of alice in chains' down in a hole and oasis' wonderwall were brilliant, ryan taking familiar songs and making them completely their own. wonderwall brought tears streaming down my cheeks, stark and vulnerable, and just beautiful.

i see monsters was my favorite of the night. the haunting lyrics, ryan's voice echoing throughout royce hall in some kind of soulful desperate plea to true love and sleepless nights. there was a bit of the ghost of jeff buckley in his voice, that crooning blues-heavy kind of number that makes your soul shake. i knew right then and there that this would be a show that would reverberate in my senses for a long time afterwards, and that this song would become one of those that live in my canon of musical devotion. the kind of song that asks for the repeat button to be hit, over and over, as i close my eyes and see a story slowly unfolding.

amidst all the beauty and awe there was the sheer wit and hilarity that is ryan's personality. his random rambles of conversation were the kind of thing that you have with friends you have known for years, sitting around a room and talking circles around everything and anything. he talked of an unrequited high school crush that led him to buy a white lion album, which strung its way to his created version of how the band got their name. another time it was about grocery shopping while high, and having a crisis in the frozen food aisle, or the unfortunate dismay of having to poop in someone else's house. it sounds silly, i suppose, and maybe it becomes a case of "you just had to have been there", but when ryan would go off on one of his seemingly non-sensical tangents the invisible fourth wall that separates the audience from the performer fell down, and it left you with the illusion that we were all just sitting around with a good friend who happens to be an incredible musician, in the true sense of the word.

there was more to rave about, much more, but my head is a bit fuzzy, and my nerves still jangly from the show - in the best way. all i can say, in closing, is if you get the chance to see ryan and the cardinals live, you should take it, i guarantee you will not be disappointed.

i hope young austin loved it as much as i did. for a first concert experience it was a pretty keen one. and again, a special and heartfelt thank you to kate for taking me. it meant more than i can express in words.

ryan adams and the cardinals, january 31, 2008 ~ royce hall, ucla, california.

makes me want to be a little stronger

ryan adams & the cardinals at royce hall ucla, california, january 31

keep art alive; art by nobodygrrl

"baby, i know you cannot hear me now,

'cause you're fast asleep,

but, i love you now.

colors inside your head go spinning around,

like a ferris wheel,

exploding and falling to the ground.

oh, people are screaming,

people are screaming,

my baby, she's dreaming.

oh, people are shouting,

people are freaking,

i'm just staring at the ceiling,

waiting for the feeling."

i have much more to say, and will sort out a more (i'd say "proper", but my reviews are nothing near "proper") detailed review later. all i want to say, right here and now, is ryan is amazing; pretty much fucking amazing. and, i see monsters blew me completely away. i am still completely unhinged by it.

just wow - i mean really - wow.

thank you, kate. i needed the music more than i have words to say.

i see monsters ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

it moves like a summer breeze

"my love for you is long,

across the oceans all the same,

my love for you is true."

pen pressed to paper as she writes the other side of what happened, the words not sung, but remembered. faded photographic images with criss-crossed marks at the sides. once upon a time they danced on rooftops, and once upon a time they still believed.

and, there is old poetry locked in strong boxes, hope chests some would call them; moth ball heavy and nearly forgotten. in the late afternoons she turns each page over in her well-worn hands, too far in the past to bring tears now, though she misses them. now she even misses the pain of loving him.

funny how time does that, turns things fuzzy and transparent, as numb as our fingers in the harsh winter cold. he always forgot his gloves, and she would blow into his hands to warm them up again. but now the weather is ever warm, and he is gone.

my love for you is real ~ ryan adams

they taught you how to feel

keep art alive; art by kelly haigh

i feel a bit rough around the edges. as if there are parts of me that have just been cut out. molded. shaped. but with scissors that are just a bit warped. a little bend to the left. and now i just hang a little crooked. nothing seems to fit around me. i am more comfortable naked and wrapped in a blanket. i feel that too much of me is opening up to the world. i'm not ready for all the scrutiny. but yet, i'm still running around with no clothes on.

i used to feel so alive with you. i used to feel so okay to be one of your conquests. i didn't count on caring this much. i didn't anicipate getting so cold. you are used to me now. i don't think i can hang you on my sleeve anymore. my heart is full of holes and you pour out of it a little bit each day. leaking out of me in tears and shouts. i don't want to sponge you off the ground and bathe in it any longer. i want to bleed until i'm dry. i want the desert inside of me. i want to feel sand cut my throat and burn my eyes. i need to feel nothing.

today i lined up fifty masks. i named them all. gave them days of the week. but sometimes the choices overwhelm me. i don't know how to fit inside of them anymore. i forget which one you prefer. what do i wear when i'm alone? which one allows me to wear the red dress and the fuck-me heels? is this the one for the big promotion? the two drink minimum? i feel lost. i feel faceless. raw. exposed.

i carry too many titles. i've had them in me for the all of my life. i was a mother before i could even conceive. a lover before i knew what love was. a child for only a breath of time. it is hard to balance being a woman and being me. i sit here. look in the mirror. shout out my names. make faces. i spit at the images. i laught until i cry. i'm singing now. rocking back and forth. angel. devil. innocent one. slut. liar. saint. mother. daughter. sister. friend. lover. hater. manipulator. truster. betrayer. employee. negotiator. loser. succeeder. geek. tormentor. woman. girl. bitch. educator. student. confused. conflicted. strong. weak. dead. alive.

i run up the stairs now. jumping two at a time. i can't wait to reach the top. i'm naked still. unabashedly so. running the water in the bath. diving in. drowning in my own juices. all that i am. drinking in the dirt and decay. wiping all the days mistakes off. i watch them spin down the drain. i feel new now. ready to face the day. maybe i will wear the happy mask. the one with the big, bright smile. the one meant for first days of school. for auditions. for parent-teacher conferences. first dates. anniversaries. for my mother. for you.
(written by me)

avalanche ~ ryan adams