singing eyes and fingers

song of the siren ~ this mortal coil

"on the floating, shapeless oceans,
i did all my best to smile,
'til your singing eyes and fingers,
drew me loving into your eyes.

and you sang 'sail to me, sail to me;
let me enfold you.'

here i am,
here i am waiting to hold you.
did i dream you dreamed about me?
were you here when i was full sail?

now my foolish boat is leaning,
broken love lost on your rocks.

for you sang,

'touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow.'

oh my heart,
oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
i'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
i'm as riddled as the tide.

should i stand amid the breakers?
or shall i lie with death my bride?

hear me sing: 'swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you.'
'here i am.
here i am,
waiting to hold you.'"

pick a star on the dark horizon

"let your memories grow stronger and stronger,
'til they're before your eyes;
you'll come back,
when it's over,
no need to say good bye."

stumbled onto this song quite by accident and was overwhelmed with emotion. regina is a favorite of mine, and this song, from the film prince caspian, is just amazing.

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings, or keep this tarnished halo shined

"i search all the time on the ground
for our shadows
cast side by side
just to remind me that i haven't gone crazy
that you exist
and are mine
and i know that your skin is as warm
and as real
as that smile in your eyes
but i have to keep touching
and smelling
and tasting
for fear it's all lies

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but i'll never betray your trust
angel mine."

to hear you breathe by my side

all you want ~ dido

"oh, if you'd come home ,
i'll let you know that all you want,
is right here in this room.
all you want,
and all you need,
is sitting here with you .
all you want."

this song just came on randomly, and i had yet another of those moments where i am reminded of an artist that i love, but often forget about. dido has one of those voices that sneaks up on you, sticks under the skin, and lingers for days. her songs, often disguised as love songs, are typically deeper than that. lyrically, the more you listen, and the deeper you dig, there are undercurrents of bitterness, betrayal, lost hope, regret, and loss. yet, interspersed - or perhaps the connection between it all - is love. loving regardless, loving despite disappointment, loving even though you have had to let go, and loving in some kind of realm of obsession.

suppose much of it is a glimpse into the darker shadows of our hearts. something that is often deeply relatable, even if we are tempted to shade our eyes from that level of self-examination. i've been trudging around in that kind of muck lately, though, as part of my so-called self-analysis (i.e. trying to sort out what has me so blue). some of what i'm finding reveals an often imbalanced expectation for hope and happiness, and the realization of the day-to-day, and of my own mistakes and mis-steps in love. as a child, i tended to expect the worst, to look at things with disappointed eyes. i know that has a lot to do with the life i led, with my examples of love, with the way i perceived things to be.

and yet, somehow i found myself in my thirties with this almost childish optimism. somehow hope found its meandering way to my door, at the least opportune time, when i really should be basking in the dark shadows of bitterness and disappointment. instead i found myself driven to realizing some ideal of bliss that i had constructed in my head. something to aspire to, as we all should try for the most happy we can wrap our arms around, but at the same time it has limited my enjoyment of right here, right now. it is all still cloudy, and full of mud, as i work my way through it, but something in it brings to light (so to speak) that we need to learn to play about in the shadows, in order to find what we have, what we want, and the precarious bridge that sways in-between.

and somehow this song illustrates a little part of that, or if nothing else, has set me out on a train-of-thought ramble. typical me, finding something in each and every lyrical refrain.

oh how fast those moments flee

"once we watched a lazy world go by,
now the days seem to fly.
life is brief,
but when it's gone;
love goes on and on."

my preferred robin and marian.

welcome june

breck road lover ~ the libertines

"we walk the streets where she gets her name."

* max turned four this weekend and today we celebrated it at the park. i played in the sand with toys kate brought as part of his gift, and was later gifted myself with flower necklaces and crowns she made that brought back a lovely memory. unfortunately, my pale skin did not take to all that sitting in the sun too well and i am badly burned, and a bit sick feeling from it. but, max had a blast. watching him with multi-colors of frosting on his face, laughing so hard that he nearly fell over, playing with his new trains, and running around with a real sense of glee on his face made me immeasurably happy. my best friend, family and all of our children, so much bliss that brings to me. all in all, it was a beautiful afternoon.

* it is after ten at night and i want a cup of coffee desperately. yeah. sunday night and a desire like that? we all have our self-destructive tendencies, i suppose. tonight i will not partake in it, though, as i have enough struggles lately sleeping at all.

* i hate when i realize that even though i'm almost 40 years old, and have a pretty decent amount of accomplishments i'm proud of, i still end up feeling not good enough so much of the time. i wish i knew a way to believe in myself more, and to hang on to the good things said instead of internalizing so much of the criticisms and negative words. suppose this goes back to something i was musing on a few days ago, at why it is so hard to just be nice, to say kind words, to not cut each other (and ourselves) down so much. is it because we all are walking around this world feeling less than, too? so, we lash out at each other, or at ourselves, just to either feel better, or not so alone in that level of insecurity? i don't know. maybe this comes from spending a significant part of my day with my mother who seems to have mastered the art of criticism, so much so that my brother and i have learned to be self-deprecating and mocking to such a degree we have a hard time speaking aloud genuinely good feelings. or perhaps it is just that i allow myself to take that kind of thing, over and over again. either way, i would honestly rather be nice, and treated that way, too. love how you want to be loved.

* i was listening to one of the alphabet mixes i used to make this morning while cleaning the kitchen. i miss making those, as well as recently missing the music theme posts i used to write. who knows, maybe one of these days they will make a comeback.

* a trip to the temporary library took place yesterday (our main one is being rebuilt). max is starting to take an interest in books, inspired by his starting school, i believe. he is the first child i've ever had who did not embrace reading from the start, so it was especially happy-making for me to see him getting excited about books. he chose three thomas the train books, his current obsession, and even had the children's librarian helping him locate them. reading them with him last night, and learning morea about the thomas plot and back stories, i am realizing that the island of sodor is quite the land of drama. seriously, those trains just look harmless with their google-eyes and smiles, they are really a intricate web of intrigue, rivalry, and struggles. who knew.

* tomorrow is monday, i am so not ready for that reality yet. maybe that is why i want the coffee.

you-ward

summons (or this won't hurt you a bit, and it'll cheer me up) ~ mary karr

for an instant i looked away, and an ocean
blossomed between us, 3000 miles
of wild silk rippling. on the other side

your unreachable body. listen,

the globe's meridians bore me,

and i deplore time zones and the lone heart's

metronome without your broad chest

thumping close counterpoint. no breath i draw

will properly fill my lungs till your fine spirit

again issues into me. no eyes will level pierce

this heart's core till your gaze again

sends the deep arrows flying. darling,

remember: our faces in proximity make

a pure small space -- a vessel or goblet

that could hold the whole atlantic. always

i stare you-ward: come spill yourself in me.

it's easy

"there's nothing you can make that can't be made.
no one you can save that can't be saved.
nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time.
it's easy.

all you need is love."

the same old fears

"so, so you think you can tell,
heaven from hell?
blue skies from pain?
can you tell a green field,
from a cold steel rail?
a smile from a veil?
do you think you can tell?

and, did they get you to trade
your heroes for ghosts?
hot ashes for trees?
hot air for a cool breeze?
cold comfort for change?
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

how i wish,
how i wish you were here.
we're just two lost souls,
swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year.
running over the same ground,
what have we found?
the same old fears.

wish you were here."

wring my heart & break it, as i'd rather be alive

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

c.s. lewis

the way i love you

to love somebody ~ ray lamontagne and damien rice (live)

"in my brain,

i see your face again,

i know my frame of mind,

you aint got to be so blind.

and i'm blind, so very blind;

i'm a man, cant you see,

what i am.

i live and breathe for you.

but what good does it do,

if i aint got you,

if i ain't got you?"

love is a doing word

teardrop ~ massive attack

"most faithful my love,
feathers on my breath,
teardrop on the fire
feathers on my breath,
stumbling a little."

sometimes it is the simple action of writing out a wish that breathes life into it, and takes it that one closer step to coming true. to dance to this song, someday, falling into an embrace. perhaps in that precarious time that borders late at night and early morning. no words passing between, just the exchange of breathing, music floating throughout the room, and wrapping around us close.

one more day has passed, and i hit repeat, listening to the song again.

i don't want to be lost

from my own true love (lost at sea) ~ the decemberists

"mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?

mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?

a letter for me,

from my own true love,

lost at sea.

lost at sea."

and this song reached out and held hands with the words i just read from a story that a friend (and amazing writer) is weaving. perhaps the two meet int he middle, and it all works, the lost are found, and neither feels the tug to lose themselves anymore. is that not what true connection is? what we all are searching for, secretly or openly?

"i don’t want to be lost. i want to be found."

(from 'three steps to heaven' by tania mcintosh)

for the later parade

"once i wanted to be the greatest,
no wind or waterfall could stall me,
and then came the rush of the flood,
the stars at night turned deep to dust.

melt me down,
into big black armour;
leave no trace,
of grace,
just in your honor."

and it came fast, a sudden shock, as if a winter cold had passed deep within my bones. and i knew before a phone rang, or anything was spoken, or explained. all of it, every moment, was the scariest and yet the most impactful of feelings. words do not suffice, and i will never be the same. thank you.

row row row

the good old days ~ the libertines

the good old days (live, video) ~ babyshambles

"daisy chains and school yard games,

& a list of things we said we'd do tomorrow,

a list of things we said we'd do tomorrow.

the arcadian dream has all fallen through,

but the albion sails on course,

so lets man the decks and hoist the rigging,

because the pig mans found the source,

& theres twelve rude boys on the oars."

if you never try, you'll never know

"i believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales. but i hear it came from my mother and father. once upon a time, they fell in love." ~ august

this is one of the most beautiful films i've ever seen, and one of the most personal. i cried through the entire film, not a moment where i was not so emotionally moved that i did not feel as if my soul was opening up. and it left me changed, hopeful, more alive. i am not sure how to explain it without it seeming ridiculous. it just mattered to me, in ways that i have no words.

and lovin a music man ain't always what its supposed to be

faithfully ~ journey

the video

"they say that the road aint no place to start a family,

right down the line its been you and me;

and lovin a music man,

aint always what its supposed to be.

oh girl, you stand by me.

im forever yours,

faithfully."

this morning i was in the grocery store, standing in the dairy aisle looking for sugar-free creamer. the delivery man who was there re-stocking the milk was singing along to this. i was, too, without even realizing it. for a moment we caught each other and exchanged smiles.

"gotta love journey." he said, laughing a bit.

"yeah." i agreed.

"and being apart aint easy on this love affair,

two strangers learn to fall in love again;

i get the joy of rediscovering you.

oh girl, you stand by me,

i'm forever yours,

faithfully."

let me see the daylight

half life ~ duncan sheik

"before the truth goes back into hiding,
i want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding,
to work on finding something more than this fear .

it takes so much out of me to pretend,
tell me now, tell me how to make amends.

maybe, i need to see the daylight,
to leave behind this half-life,
don't you see i'm breaking down.

lately, something here don't feel right,
this is just a half-life,
is there really no escape?
no escape from time,
of any kind.

i keep trying to understand,
this thing and that thing, my fellow man,
i guess i'll let you know,
when i figure it out.

but i don't mind a few mysteries,
they can stay that way it's fine by me,
and you are another mystery i am missing.

it takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, i need to see the daylight,
to leave behind this half-life,
don't you see i'm breaking down.

lately, something here don't feel right,
this is just a half-life.
is there really no escape?
no escape from time,
of any kind.

come on lets fall in love."

a daily reminder of what is important, something i seem to need more lately, a gentle (and often not so gentle) nudge. this song reminds me of what i do not want. i do not want to exist with unlived life in my veins, nor do i want to participate in any kind of a half-life. the spin cycle of drama and emotion always seems to loom at my door, but i'm learning to not always let it in. i can choose to be happy. i can choose to love. i can choose to say no i do not want to hurt any longer.

suppose it may sound like a practiced line of words, and words are only scratches on paper, or tap-tapping on keys, that stand next to each other trying to look pretty, or angry, or passionate, or something. and, words can be empty if they are not followed by action of some kind. the only action i can take, though, is my own. in that, and in my every breathing moment, i refuse to live in a state of waiting to be happy. i want to be happy now.

these words, they are not pointing at anyone, just at me. this is me nudging myself to remember to not put off being happy.

all weather and noise

american girls ~ counting crows (video)

"i waited for an hour last friday night,

she never came around,

she took almost everything from me.

i'm going through my closets,

trying on her clothes, almost everyday.

i could have been anyone you see,

i wish it was anyone but me,

nothing but pills and ashes under my skin.

american girls are weather and noise,

playing the changes for all of the boys,

holding a candle right up to my hand,

making me feel so incredible.

if i make you cry,

you tell me why

i'll try again,

if you'll let me try."

ever since the new songs were singing in my ears i've been on quite the counting crows kick. this song, everytime i hear it i love it more. i think, first time around, it was one of my less favorites from hard candy - but now, now i cannot seem to get enough of it. it is impossible not to sing-a-long with, in that roll down the windows and blast the radio, and scream-sing kind of way. sometimes there is nothing quite like it - nothing quite like that kind of release. better than sex, i tell you. well, mostly.

if you wanted to be free

you can't count on me ~ counting crows (live, video)

the new album is out next tuesday, and though i have listened to a leaked version, i will not post songs here. i plan on buying it as soon as it is available, as i have a great deal of love and respect for this band, and i encourage you all to do the same. it is an incredible album, well worth the wait.

it is a bit of a concept/theme album, entitled saturday nights and sunday mornings, meant to set the mood for both moods. the first half of the album is the equivalent of getting out into the city, the sparkle and shine, and the hard edges, that we take out into the night; hard, rough, raw, with lyrics such as the following, from the opening song, 1492:

"past railway cars and tranny-whores,

and mornings spreading out across the feathered thighs of angels,

oh where did we disappear to?"

the second half of the album is the morning-after sunday. hungover, with those inescapable regrets and the harsh light of the mirror. i know from adam duritz' blog that he has been doing a lot of soul searching and personal recovery lately, and it shows - if nothing else, then in the brutally honest lyrics on songs like the one featured in the attached video (and the band's first single), you can't count on me:

"coming along real good,

but i still can't do most of the things i should;

i watch the sky coming down to bury me,

and i can't stop this crawling out of my skin.

i know that you see yourself flying in,

out of the sky,

coming down to carry me,
but i won't come out.

so, if you think you need to go,

if you wanted to be free,

there's one thing you need to know,

and that's that you can't count on me.

no, you can't count on me."