consequences wall of sound

each contributing artist brought something to it, without knowing what came before, or what would follow. pretty damn keen, if you ask me - and a good cause, too.

be a part of it.

another time undone

keep art alive; art by allison torneros

"hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again,

down on my knees and my hands in the air again,

pushing my face in the memory of you again;

but, i never know if it's real,

never know how i wanted to feel."

when i write somewhere in my head a title looms; stark and distant, at times, but there all the same. i don't know how much it affects the words used, or the plots turns and eventual end, but it must. i would think it would have to dictate something. occasionally, though, words fly out of me as if someone has sliced open a vein and left me bleeding. and it is this, the sudden and determined outpouring, that i sometimes find myself labeling it 'untitled'. there is freedom there, mystery, and perhaps it lends itself to a delivery that is ripe for the reader's own interpretation.

with this song, i know i have felt it mean different things to me at different times. and maybe, in it's lack of a substantial title, it is left more pliable. i know i have molded it to fit, and change. even today, sitting here writing a bit of fiction on the side, i hear it and it layers over my words. a soundtrack happening without my knowing, or planning. untitled, yet fitting so well in a piece i have given a name to. and it is here, playing along, and fitting right in.

untitled ~ the cure

i'm ready

Talk Show Host (Radiohead)
Video sent by -aMeLe-

"you want me?
well come on and break the door down.
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down."

talk show host ~ radiohead

song of the day

why'd you sing with me at all

"we might live like never before

when there's nothing to give,

well how can we ask for more?

we might make love in some sacred place,

the look on your face is delicate.

so, why'd you fill my sorrow,

with the words you've borrowed,

from the only place that you've known?

and why'd you sing hallelujah,

if it means nothing to you?"

paperback letdown

by me

another page is ripped away from a book i clung to for far too long,

a fairytale story of a girl who had neverending quests to fulfill;

a string of dragons to slay for everyone who crossed her path,

and still the demands of being a princess beckoning;

to be fair, true, and vulnerable to love's twisting illusions,

with blood still dripping from her trying-to-hide hands.

but how can one be both savior and damsel in distress?

daisy-chains braided into my hair as a child were not the uniform of a lifetime,

even though i think i clung to the significance of those wispy, wild flowers,

enough to paint them into my skin around a name not truly my own.

perhaps they were my attempts to re-write the plot twists,

or at least give this girl a different kind of ending.

delicate (live on kcrw) ~ damien rice

pour me a drink, and i'll tell you some lies

"first they say they want you,
how they really need you.
suddenly you find you're out there,
walking in a storm.

when they know they have you,
then they really have you.
nothing you can do or say,
you've got to leave,
just get away

we all know the song."

just, yeah.

love on the rocks ~ neil diamond

song of the day

still i see monsters

the night started with a mixed up directions foible, not something all that uncommon when driving anywhere with me. this time, though, it was truly a mistake in directions as one necessary freeway was left out. we eventually solved the mishap and made it to the show. the campus of ucla is always a bit of a surprise to me, lush and beautiful, rather how i always picture universities are meant to look due to the depictions i have seen on the screen. the night was cool and crisp, but clear enough to see stars - orion's belt, to be precise, as pointed out by kate's young son, austin. fitting to the starry night, the first song we caught as we descended the stairs leading to our balcony seats, was when the stars go blue. the stage, lit up in glorious blue lights that shone on and around the shadowy silhouettes of cactus, set the tone and enveloped us into the music immediately.

i am not a fan of arriving late to shows, stumbling about in the dark to find a seat and not being there when the lights go down always leave me feeling a little disjointed, but not this time. the music would not let me, it pulled me right in and i was spinning around in it for the rest of the set.

despite the fact that i had been told time and again how incredible ryan is live, it still blew me away at what kind of performer he actually is. his talent is breathtaking, handling his guitars as if they were extensions of his own body, bending and pulling into each progression and strum. and later, sat in front of the piano, blowing me away once again with the music that just seeps out of his small frame. and then there was his voice, soaring and sultry, going everywhere from heartbreaking in songs like blue hotel (a recent favorite of mine), to playful and retro rock and roll on shakedown on 9th street (making me smile with the chorus of "lucy, lucy my gal").

covers of alice in chains' down in a hole and oasis' wonderwall were brilliant, ryan taking familiar songs and making them completely their own. wonderwall brought tears streaming down my cheeks, stark and vulnerable, and just beautiful.

i see monsters was my favorite of the night. the haunting lyrics, ryan's voice echoing throughout royce hall in some kind of soulful desperate plea to true love and sleepless nights. there was a bit of the ghost of jeff buckley in his voice, that crooning blues-heavy kind of number that makes your soul shake. i knew right then and there that this would be a show that would reverberate in my senses for a long time afterwards, and that this song would become one of those that live in my canon of musical devotion. the kind of song that asks for the repeat button to be hit, over and over, as i close my eyes and see a story slowly unfolding.

amidst all the beauty and awe there was the sheer wit and hilarity that is ryan's personality. his random rambles of conversation were the kind of thing that you have with friends you have known for years, sitting around a room and talking circles around everything and anything. he talked of an unrequited high school crush that led him to buy a white lion album, which strung its way to his created version of how the band got their name. another time it was about grocery shopping while high, and having a crisis in the frozen food aisle, or the unfortunate dismay of having to poop in someone else's house. it sounds silly, i suppose, and maybe it becomes a case of "you just had to have been there", but when ryan would go off on one of his seemingly non-sensical tangents the invisible fourth wall that separates the audience from the performer fell down, and it left you with the illusion that we were all just sitting around with a good friend who happens to be an incredible musician, in the true sense of the word.

there was more to rave about, much more, but my head is a bit fuzzy, and my nerves still jangly from the show - in the best way. all i can say, in closing, is if you get the chance to see ryan and the cardinals live, you should take it, i guarantee you will not be disappointed.

i hope young austin loved it as much as i did. for a first concert experience it was a pretty keen one. and again, a special and heartfelt thank you to kate for taking me. it meant more than i can express in words.

ryan adams and the cardinals, january 31, 2008 ~ royce hall, ucla, california.

but she wont let you go

"but, when they played that song at the death disco,

it started fast,

but it ends so slow,

and all the time it just reminded me of you."

don't look back into the sun ~ the libertines

will stay with me forever

"well, i'll confess all of of my sins,
after several large gins;
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you."

music when the lights go out ~ peter doherty

when you gonna love you as much as i do

"i run off,
where the drifts get deeper,
sleeping beauty trips me with a frown.
i hear a voice,
'you must learn to stand up for yourself,
cause i can't always be around'.

he says,
when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?

cause things are gonna change so fast,
all the white horses are still in bed.
i tell you that i'll always want you near,
you say that things change, my dear."

a friend of mine from work recently lost her father. his memorial service was this afternoon, and i left there moved and full of thoughts.

karen is someone i have just recently gotten to know, but she is a kindered spirit in the way that you just know someone even before you really know them. we both feel music in this very similar way, and have this belief in people's hearts that often transcends what they show on their surfaces. we have quite a few shared life experiences, and have had some big similarities that sometimes is a big staggering to realize. i truly believe that we meet people when we are supposed to, and that we learn so much from each other - more than we even realize.

karen played this song in memory of her father, and in connection with the eulogy she wrote on his life. her story of this loving but flawed man was beyond moving to me. when i held her in an embrace later she told me "i knew you would get it, that out of anyone you would understand. thank you."

i left the garden, where we had toasted this man i had never met before, with this strong sense of life, love, and not giving up. i feel like the last few days have been filled with these impactful experiences, as if the universe is telling me things and helping me along, or perhaps it is just that i am finally learning to listen. whatever it is, i know i feel changed. i feel more alive, more aware, and more full of love than i have in my life. and even in sadness i feel this enormous sense of hope.

i should have said "thank you" right back. and thank you to the music last night, and the company of people i love. and thank you for all this learning.

winter ~ tori amos

makes me want to be a little stronger

ryan adams & the cardinals at royce hall ucla, california, january 31

keep art alive; art by nobodygrrl

"baby, i know you cannot hear me now,

'cause you're fast asleep,

but, i love you now.

colors inside your head go spinning around,

like a ferris wheel,

exploding and falling to the ground.

oh, people are screaming,

people are screaming,

my baby, she's dreaming.

oh, people are shouting,

people are freaking,

i'm just staring at the ceiling,

waiting for the feeling."

i have much more to say, and will sort out a more (i'd say "proper", but my reviews are nothing near "proper") detailed review later. all i want to say, right here and now, is ryan is amazing; pretty much fucking amazing. and, i see monsters blew me completely away. i am still completely unhinged by it.

just wow - i mean really - wow.

thank you, kate. i needed the music more than i have words to say.

i see monsters ~ ryan adams & the cardinals