Monday, June 30, 2008

before we forgot the songs

keep art alive; art by amy sol

"underneath this city, there is another city, one more modern, more recent in its origin. here, in these dark tunnels where pomegranates fall, all these thoughts fly around like moths, lured by light, by sweet smell of decay, trapping themselves by their own free choice in the confined space of their making: it can’t already be june, it can’t already be monday, that’s what they say, that’s what people keep muttering to themselves this morning as they cradle the last of the sleep in their coffee cups, for the precious moments in which they huddle in themselves before they must sign off their lives to something they don’t believe in, to something they think they cannot escape from. as they rock in the rhythm of the train, someone thinks, a moth in spider’s nest, though she does not see the intricate weaving of the thin threads, ready to untangle between our fingers, snapping the threads. but it’s like this: it’s already june, i’m already 28 and i haven’t done anything, many are talking, comforting us in these minutes of our lives when we descend down to darkness, to darkness so dark that we are helpless, our bodies swaying left to right, left to right as if we’re rocking in prayer, but we are not praying. we’re boxed in the freight, we’re boxed in a subway car, this is the death train, but unlike them, forced away from their homes because of blood, we chose this train, we chose to be on it, we are boxed in, we’re as helpless, we tell ourselves, positioning ourselves to the gravity, the pull of the train. our highest dreams thrown out like our last night’s dinner, a woman’s dream flies past, landing silently on the subway floor like the last note of an aria, i wish someone loved me, i wish he loved me, a thought so light it floats quietly down, hovers an inch or two above the floor, then lands, landing as someone steps on it. i wish somebody loved me, but i'm not pretty enough, i’m not smart enough, she closes her thoughts from us, she looks down to the book on her lap, the thick one, heavy like her sadness, but she doesn’t stop her reading, the thick book stays where it is, the woman, though, reads so little, doesn’t really read, just daydreams, her hopes going where we are going, she stays where she is, on the seat across. we are all going somewhere we have to each day, pulled by the invisible strings, and we say, i can go no other place, this is where i belong. no, we go to places only if we must, but must is a habit, after all, we can go anywhere as long as we let ourselves, anywhere we want to, only if we want to, she can stretch her arms as if in flight, and leave, leave this train, this city…only if she wants to. we think there’s no way out, our lives guided by some invisible lines only fate has right to hold, right to control. but we are closer to grace, we are closer to where we were before we were born, before we forgot the songs, before we forgot the promises, we are closer to grace in the darkness of our own making, we are not of time—only if we let it, only if we let the watch unshackle us, but we forget, as we have forgotten, as soon as we open our eyes. many are called and many do not hear."

many are called ~ mariko nagai

Sunday, June 29, 2008

we got california drowning out the window side

"got no place to go,
but there's a girl waiting for me down in mexico.
she's got a bottle of tequila,
a bottle of gin,
and if i bring a little music i can fit right in."

there are wishes, and there are dreams, and there are songs that make things seem possible even when deep down you know they are probably never going to come to be. there are beaches and laughter, discarded straw hats and bare feet, and music; always music. it is a celebration, someone has just gotten married, and we have wandered off down the beach where there are less crowds, less camera flashes, less family that we do not even remember inviting. a circle of friends, so to speak, but we are more of a family then any we've been born into. the sun goes down and the music keeps playing.

i have had the same dream, with slight variations, for so many years that it has become as a bedtime story to my subconscious.

my pins are none too strong

peter doherty, live at glastonbury, 2008

most probably the main reason i wished i'd been there. well, the second most reason. leonard cohen definitely was the first.

let's make some music make some money find some models for wives

"we were fated to pretend."

mgmt, live at glastonbury, 2008

one of my favorite recently discovered bands of the year, and one of many reasons that i so wish i had been there at glasto. one of these years i swear i will be there, it just has to happen someday.

i keep trying to remember not to forget this

"the more you know who you are,
and what you want,
the less you let things upset you."

bob harris ~ lost in translation

Saturday, June 28, 2008


the girl with the artist's touch, the strong sense of self, emotional and so beautiful, my veronica turned six today. she shares her birthday with my best friend of 27 years, and is the only one of my children born outside of california. she is so different from me, from how i was at her age, and for that i am so grateful. she teaches me so many things. she shows me a way of seeing the world that i do not always see, keeps me in-touch with the way nature plays a part in the human condition, and is ever challenging me with her questions and queries on how the world works, and why.

these last few weeks i have noticed the changes that are transpiring in her, the leaps of maturity, the molding of self and personality that are forming. her love of classical and hip-hop music, her imagination, her creative expression, her sense of humor, and her interest in asian culture and memory/logic solving games. she is so bright and amazing to know, and i am quite lucky to know her.

happy sixth year in your life, princess froggy v-rock veronica. i love you.

they call me 'quiet girl', but i'm a riot

that's not my name ~ the ting ting's

"are you calling me darling?
are you calling me bird?
are you calling me darling?
are you calling me bird?"

jules played this song for me a few times over the last two days, and i have to say it is completely addictive. we have both been singing it all day long.

new music review: vanilla swingers

take a listen to the vanilla swingers

"if you fall for this,
you'll fall for anything."

danger in the past
& a live video

"souvenirs that you can feel,
won't give up what they reveal;
they never will."

the town

"the town was where we met,
but it could all have been so different."

remiscent of a wandering the city streets in the rain, a bit lost, three streets down from where you are meant to be. the pulse of your slightly nervous heart flows and pours out into the vibrations of each passing car, the rain drops drip dripping a back-up beat; everything is music. lost, yet not alone, as the accompanying voice chimes in, takes your hand, lets you share their battered yellow umbrella.

i am not good with comparisons when talking on music. i tend to take anything new in as just that - new. i am not keen on categorization and labels. but, if i had to choose the similar bucket to stream these songs - and their fantastic album vs into - it would be with bands such as belle and sebastian, azure ray, and stephen merritt's magnetic fields.

the album is said to be a story of love and alternate lives. described as a concept affair about two people who meet, run away together, go back in time, lose each other, and meet again in 2015.

as it feels, it is an album of songs to be lost and found within.

hear more here.

polka dots fill my eyes

"what you gonna do katie?
you're a sweet, sweet girl,
but it's a cruel, cruel world,
a cruel, cruel world."

happy birthday, kate. and a very happy first day in the next new year of your life. paint brushes and magic wands, pixie dust and healing potions, and all the hope in the universe i wish to you. i hope this is your best year yet. you can make this year anything you want it to be. i believe in you, always always always.

i love you always.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

she looked in his eyes to lose herself

"what do you feel
when you're with me?
i look in your eyes and see myself."

early this morning i was sitting at my desk at work with coffee in hand and my itunes loading up to start my day's random soundtrack. the office manager walked by and had this look on her face that i've seen so often lately on so many people i know: defeated and sad. i see this in the mirror when i look at myself, too. we spoke on this year, the hurt that seems to be everywhere we turn, and the overall mood it seems to paint on everything, and how we see ourselves in each other, and how we reflect back what we see. where does it start, and how do you change a feeling that has grown so heavy and hope-deficient that it feels as if we are all sinking into the depths of some dark sea.

is it love? is it hope? is it change? is it allowing someone else to actually see us, flaws and all, and trust that they will not let go? and how do we not lose ourselves in any of that? in the sorrow, and in the love?

just something i've been contemplating, and some lush (who i have re-fallen in love with this week), to go along with it.

i sent a bottle of whiskey

"and i was waiting over here for life to begin,
i was looking for the new thing,
and you were the sunshine heading my front line;
i was alone,
you were just around the corner from me."

i had one of those moments this morning, one of my favorite kinds of moments, where the music flowed and connected so perfectly with everything around me. i am quite keen on playing music loudly while driving, singing along, and taking in the scenery with the musical accompaniment going along with me - a car concert, a friend once called it. i've been struggling so much with my mood and the whole state of my emotions that sometimes, just a small moment when music and morning meet, helps me breathe a little better.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


"but one kiss levitates above all the others. the intersection of function and desire. the i do kiss. the i'll love you through a brick wall kiss. even when i'm dead, i'll swim through the earth, like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones."

the archipelago of kisses ~ jeffrey mcdaniel

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

the records that we used to share

"i've got your memory,
or has it got me?
i really don't know,
but i know it won't let me be."

Monday, June 23, 2008

pick a star on the dark horizon

"let your memories grow stronger and stronger,
'til they're before your eyes;
you'll come back,
when it's over,
no need to say good bye."

stumbled onto this song quite by accident and was overwhelmed with emotion. regina is a favorite of mine, and this song, from the film prince caspian, is just amazing.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

watch out for those foreign girls

all you need is love: the final a mix

anything but love ~ the libertines

"watch out for those foreign girls,
mistake my plastic beads for pearls."

answering bell (live)
~ ryan adams and adam duritz

"all's i want is your fortress of tears to crumble,
and oh girl, i'd tear 'em down myself,
and oh girl, the story's they could tell,

but i'm just sayin' hi to your answering bell."

acting like a fool
~ matt costa

"you know i try,
and still i play the fool."

the air near my fingers
~ the white stripes

"don't you remember you told me in december that a boy is not a man until he makes a stand,
well i'm not a genius but maybe you'll remember this:
i never said i wanted to be a man."

~ css

"ah la la, ah la la,
gimme three wishes."

"close your eyes and see,
when there ain't no light,
all you'll ever be.
come and save the night,
coz i don't leave,
when the morning comes it doesn't,
seem to say an awful lot to me...
all alone."

advisory committee (shok remix) ~ mirah

"the mist came down the ground was wet,
i talked with you inside my head,
the way i have forgotten back,
quickly prepare it's an attack."

anarchy in the u.k. ~ the sex pistols

"how many ways to get what you want?"

all in my mind ~ love and rockets

"if you give me an hour,i'll show you how you feel."

age of consent ~ new order

"won't you please let me go?
these words lie inside they hurt me so."

ashes to ashes ~ david bowie

"i'm happy, hope youre happy, too."

~ sisters of mercy

"to promise her a definition,
tell her where the rain will fall,
tell her where the sun shines bright,
and tell her she can have it all."

"you can make a plan,
carve it into stone,
like a feather falling,
it is still unknown;
until the clock speaks up,
says it's time to go,
you could choose the high,
or the lower road.
you might clench your fist,
you might fork your tongue,
as you curse or praise,
all the things you've done.
and the faders move,
and the music dies,
as we pass over,
on the arc of time."

"half of the ring lies here with me,
but the other half’s at the bottom of the sea."

absolutely nothing
~ lily allen

"my heart is aching and i've never felt this bad,
i pinch myself to check that all of this is real.
keep thinking i'm not letting on, i feel this sad,
and then you've got the cheek to ask me how i feel."

airport taxi reception
~ sondre lerche

"i called you because i love you so."

all i want ~ the lightning seeds

"it makes me want to give you everything,
pick you up and take you home again,
hold you tight and think that now is then,
all i want to do,
all i want to do,
is make you listen from now on."

across the universe
~ the beatles

"words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass across the universe."

"it's easy,
all you need is love."

the night could last forever

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

atomic nights and lucid dreaming: an a mix

atomic ~ blondie

make it magnificent."

all night long ~ empires

"they just howl,
all night long."

all at sea ~ the libertines

"where can i go,
just to hear the songs i need?"

alone, together ~ the strokes

"things they have changed in such a permanent way."

"if you close the door,
the night could last forever,
leave the sunshine out,
and say hello to never."

all i have to do is dream ~ everly brothers

"when i want you in my arms,
when i want you and all your charms,
whenever i want you,
all i have to do is dream."

as tall as cliffs ~ margot and the nuclear so and so's

"but i can't bear to hear the things about last year,
i've been up all night, up all night."

afraid, not scared ~ ryan adams

"put the guns in the water,
they're turning to vodka,
triggering nothing,
we're sinking the sea takes the ship."

ache for you
~ ben lee

"there's no rhyme and there's no reason,
you're the secret in the back of my skull,
there's no logic, so please believe me,
our love's confusing, but it never gets dull"

already dead ~ beck

"love looks away,
in the harsh light of the day,
on the edge of nothing more."

accidental babies ~ damien rice

"well i know i make you cry,
and i know sometimes you wanna die,
but do you really feel alive without me?"

"and some fight you gave when i pushed you away from me.
and in the morning when you're turning, i'll be far to sea.
you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last you see."

always the last to know (acoustic) ~ del amitri

"when your winter comes,
i’ll be the last to know."

against all odds ~ the postal service

"you're the only one who really knew me at all."

all you want ~ dido

"i'd like to watch you sleep at night,
to hear you breathe by my side;
and although sleep leaves me behind,
there's nowhere i'd rather be."

avalon ~ roxy music

"would you have me dancing,
out of nowhere."

altogether ~ slowdive

"and now seems just a dream,
it broke my heart,
but then i guess you didn't know."

atmosphere ~ joy division

"my illusion,
worn like a mask of self-hate."

asleep ~ the smiths

"sing me to sleep."

lingering in another girl's paradise

another day without wings: an a mix

at the bottom of everything ~ bright eyes

"we must hang up in the belfry where the bats in moonlight laugh,
we must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past,
and into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love,
we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge."

antichrist television blues ~ arcade fire

"now I'm overcome,
by the light of day,
my lips are near,
but my heart is far away."

anyway i can ~ the ting tings

"i've been good,
i've been bad,
i've been happy,
i've been sad,
i've been greedy,
i've been seedy,
i've been had."

almost sorry ~ scissor sisters

"a rainbow still looks pretty when it bleeds."

"and they're jealous cause you know so much,
they can't quite get a grip;
you're everything they wish they were."

and your bird can sing ~ the beatles

"you tell me that you've got everything you want,
and your bird can sing,
but you don't get me,
you don't get me."

the angels hung around ~ rilo kiley

"i been clubbed and i been snubbed,
by the dogs of l.a.,
and i been burned and i been learned,
in the same city."

the angel’s share ~ ted leo & the pharmacists

"because on and on, the tides are surely come,
as sure enough, they'll leave again as one,
as you and i, we will or won't be here."

advice for young mother’s to be ~ the veils

"so here it is your heart is out in the cold."

ask ~ the smiths

"shyness is nice and,
shyness can stop you,
from doing all the things in life,
you'd like to."

all at once ~ pete yorn

"and when the darkness comes, i lie awake,
playing lost and found."

angeles ~ elliott smith

"i could make you satisfied in everything you do,
all your 'secret wishes' could right now be coming true,
and be forever,
with my poison arms around you."

all the way to new york city ~ rosie thomas

"you could write for picture shows,
and i could get a job waiting tables,
at a restaurant where famous people like to go;
we could buy old overcoats and walk through the snow,
all the way around central park,
our cheeks as pink as wild roses."

all my days ~ alexi murdoch

"and i’ve been trying to find,
what’s been in my mind,
as the days keep turning into night."

another girl’s paradise ~ tori amos

"when it all is said,
said and done,
who can love you,
and still be standing"

amy hit the atmosphere ~ counting crows

"we've waited so long,
for someone to take us back home."

all i need
~ mat kearney

"and if all we've got,
is what no one can break,
i know i love you,
if that's all we can take."

angel mine
~ cowboy junkies

"i search all the time on the ground,
for our shadows cast side by side;
just to remind me that i haven't gone crazy,
that you exist and are mine."

albion ~ peter doherty

"down in albion,
they're black and blue,
but we don't talk about that."
"i'm empty,
and aching,
and i don't know why."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

most of the time

"most of the time,
i'm clear focused all around,
most of the time,
i can keep both feet on the ground,
i can follow the path,
i can read the signs,
stay right with it,
when the road unwinds,
i can handle whatever i stumble upon,
i don't even notice she's gone,
most of the time.

most of the time,
it's well understood,
most of the time,
i wouldn't change it if i could,
i can't make it all match up,
i can hold my own,
i can deal with the situation right down to the bone,
i can survive,
i can endure,
and i don't even think about her,
most of the time.

most of the time,
my head is on straight,
most of the time,
i'm strong enough not to hate.
i don't build up illusion,
'till it makes me sick,
i ain't afraid of confusion,
no matter how thick,
i can smile in the face of mankind.
don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine,
most of the time.

most of the time,
she ain't even in my mind,
i wouldn't know her if i saw her,
she's that far behind.
most of the time,
i can't even be sure,
if she was ever with me,
or if I was with her.

most of the time,
i'm halfway content,
most of the time,
i know exactly where i went,
i don't cheat on myself,
i don't run and hide,
hide from the feelings,
that are buried inside,
i don't compromise,
and i don't pretend,
i don't even care if i ever see her again,
most of the time."

do you always watch sunsets with your eyes shut?

one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, even though i have issues with some of the storyline. i miss janeane garofalo, seems like she has been in nothing lately. the scene, through the canals and to the eyes-shut sunset, i always loved it. much to do today, as it is veronica's first "friends from school" party (and yes, i did find a pump to make balloon animals with), but this movie and a cherry coke zero (we are out of coffee, oh the humanity), are helping me wake up.

Friday, June 20, 2008

when i hear beautiful music its always from another time

"everything gets smaller now the further that i go,
towards the mouth,
and the reunion of the known and the unknown.
consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home,
you can move mountains with your misery if you don't,
if you don't."

there are memories too vulnerable to write. as if they are brittle and yellowing photographs, the ones shoved in the back of a box, or folded carefully in the pages of a near forgotten book. it was once your favorite, the pages worn and finger-printed. flower petals are stuck in the early chapters, the ones where you were just getting to know all of it - the plot, the characters, the hopes. the end comes eventually, and that bittersweet feeling that follows. never minded if it was a happily ever, or a tearful goodbye, just knew i'd miss all that i'd just loved.

you close the book, put it up on the shelf, and long for someone to talk with about it. but, you find no one. for the best, in reality, as no one takes a story, or a song, into them in the same way. just like memories - our varied perceptions shade and color in the blurs and the greys. we all remember everything differently, even love, and especially loss. and sometimes it is a song that rips the ticker-tape off the skin, stirs the heart, makes it all hurt again. and sometimes it is just the pages spilling open, without provocation, or permission. the daisy petals dissolve in my hand, and i take a sad gasp of breath.

sometimes sadness is all you have left to remember these things by. but, it is feeling, isn't it?


"people who have only good experiences aren't very interesting. they may be content, and happy after a fashion, but they aren't very deep. it may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but well--it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. not that happiness is necessarily simple. but i don't think you're going to have a life like that, and i think you'll be the better for it. the difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed by the bad patches. you must not let them defeat you. you must see them as a gift--a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."

someday this pain will be useful to you by peter cameron

and i'm tired of so much wanting

ache for you ~ ben lee

"there's no rhyme and there's no reason,
you're the secret in the back of my skull.
there's no logic, so please believe me.
our love's confusing,
but it never gets dull."

a week ago i was standing in the studio store at the WB, waiting for a friend to go and grab coffee from starbucks. on the right, as you first walk in, is a gilmore girls display. i often keep walking right by as i often get a big case of the "i wants" when i stand too close. they have this gigantic coffee cup that says "luke please please please" on it that i have wanted ever since i first spied it. a quote from the very first moments, of the very first episode - the first time you witness the chemistry between luke and lorelei.

over the years of watching, and loving, the show i went back and forth on my feelings for the pair. i always held a soft spot for christopher, and what they had from their youth that still seemed to carry so strongly into their implied present. but, there is something about the two of them, of luke and lorelei, that pulls at my fictional loving heartstrings.

and this song. well, i've always had quite the love for ben lee's songs, haven't i?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

but i'm just sayin' hi

answering bell (live on jay leno) ~ ryan adams & adam duritz

oh my stars, ryan and adam.

*heart flutters*

"did i slip?
I know i stumbled.
did i trip?
'cause i know i fell.
all's i know is i'll wake up here in my clothes tomorrow.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i run?
i thought i was walkin',
through your inexhaustible gale.
the names are changed but the constellations,
are still fallin'.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

let yoru tears fall and touch my skin.
then your thunderclouds could rage and wail.
i will collect them all for you in a butterfly jar.
and, oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
buut, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i sleep?
'cause i musta been dreamin'.
did i weep?
'cause i cried like hell.
all's i want is your fortress of tears to crumble.
and, oh girl, i'd tear 'em down myself.
and, oh girl, the stories i could tell.
but, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell."

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings, or keep this tarnished halo shined

"i search all the time on the ground
for our shadows
cast side by side
just to remind me that i haven't gone crazy
that you exist
and are mine
and i know that your skin is as warm
and as real
as that smile in your eyes
but i have to keep touching
and smelling
and tasting
for fear it's all lies

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but i'll never betray your trust
angel mine."

don't let it take the fight outta you

"they'll look you in the eyes and stone you,
then turn and disown you
don't let it take the fight outta you
they'll walk all over your name
till they find someone else to blame
don't let it take the fight outta you
secrets hide their lies inside hidden alibis
don't let it take the fight outta you

they put the world on a hook
it's worse every time i look
i would rather take the punch
than not give you a shot
i'd rather find out who you are
than who you're not
shoulda known better
than to mistake business for love
shoulda known better
than to mistake a fist for a glove

it will be in your honor
til you're not needed any longer
don't let it take the fight outta you
don't believe the headlines
check it for yourself sometimes
don't let it take the fight outta you
the lies you live become you
the love you lose it numbs you
don't let it take the fight outta you
they say that you've arrived
that's just a high class bribe
don't let it take the fight outta you

i would rather take your punch
than not give you a shot
i'd rather find out who you are
than who you're not
shoulda known better
than to mistake business for love
shouda known better
than to mistake a fist for a glove
there’s always someone younger
someone with more hunger
they’ll say you’re one and only
then straight up leave you lonely
like a transplant patient waiting for a donor
like a half empty balloon after a party in the corner

don't let it take the fight outta you"

thank you, bree. for this song and for charlotte and wilbur. they say that hard times are what teach you the most about life, and about the people in it. i know i've been terribly self-absorbed as of late, struggling with myself and who i am, how i feel, and what i need to do to feel better. but, whether i've said it or not, it is the people who check in, who ask how i am, who send a few words, or a song, or a life update (because i do want to know how you are doing) - it just matters more than i have words to express.

thanks especially to kate, bree, jenn, amber, fawn, tania, and irene for checking in, for keeping connected, and for being my friend through this period of whatever the hell this is that i'm going thru.

i am a better fighter because of my friends, and my kids. thank you.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

to hear you breathe by my side

all you want ~ dido

"oh, if you'd come home ,
i'll let you know that all you want,
is right here in this room.
all you want,
and all you need,
is sitting here with you .
all you want."

this song just came on randomly, and i had yet another of those moments where i am reminded of an artist that i love, but often forget about. dido has one of those voices that sneaks up on you, sticks under the skin, and lingers for days. her songs, often disguised as love songs, are typically deeper than that. lyrically, the more you listen, and the deeper you dig, there are undercurrents of bitterness, betrayal, lost hope, regret, and loss. yet, interspersed - or perhaps the connection between it all - is love. loving regardless, loving despite disappointment, loving even though you have had to let go, and loving in some kind of realm of obsession.

suppose much of it is a glimpse into the darker shadows of our hearts. something that is often deeply relatable, even if we are tempted to shade our eyes from that level of self-examination. i've been trudging around in that kind of muck lately, though, as part of my so-called self-analysis (i.e. trying to sort out what has me so blue). some of what i'm finding reveals an often imbalanced expectation for hope and happiness, and the realization of the day-to-day, and of my own mistakes and mis-steps in love. as a child, i tended to expect the worst, to look at things with disappointed eyes. i know that has a lot to do with the life i led, with my examples of love, with the way i perceived things to be.

and yet, somehow i found myself in my thirties with this almost childish optimism. somehow hope found its meandering way to my door, at the least opportune time, when i really should be basking in the dark shadows of bitterness and disappointment. instead i found myself driven to realizing some ideal of bliss that i had constructed in my head. something to aspire to, as we all should try for the most happy we can wrap our arms around, but at the same time it has limited my enjoyment of right here, right now. it is all still cloudy, and full of mud, as i work my way through it, but something in it brings to light (so to speak) that we need to learn to play about in the shadows, in order to find what we have, what we want, and the precarious bridge that sways in-between.

and somehow this song illustrates a little part of that, or if nothing else, has set me out on a train-of-thought ramble. typical me, finding something in each and every lyrical refrain.

a year and a day

time for heroes (acostic) ~ carlos barât

"did you see the stylish kids in the riot,
we were shovelled up like muck,
then set the night on fire.
wombles bleed truncheons and shields,
you know i cherish you, my love
yeah i cherish you my love."

quick healing and a fast recovery, carl.

talk over gin and teacups

albion (live at brixton mass, june 17, 2008) ~ peter doherty

"there's a five-mile queue,
outside the disused power station.
now come away,
wont you come away."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

as we pass over on the arc of time

arc of time (time code) ~ bright eyes

"so you nurse your love,
like a wounded dove,
in the covered cage of night.
every star is crossed,
by frenetic thoughts,
that separate and then collide.
and they twist like sheets,
till you fall asleep,
and they finally unwind.
it's a black balloon,
it's a dream you'll soon deny."

trying for some hope tonight, in things, in life, in my own beliefs and desires. it is hard not to feel an overwhelming sense of one step forward and sixteen steps back lately, especially when you are struggling with a lingering depression that nothing seems to shake. so, part of me disappears, and part of me recoils. i try not to build up the predictable walls i've always been so good at constructing. instead, i seek solace in music, and in silence (unusual for me), and in giving myself the time i need to sort my soul out.

i was remembering this afternoon a friend i once was close with, and this technique she used when dealing with dark times and her own struggles. she would try to list at least five things she was thankful for, or things that made her happy. i borrowed it, well more than "borrowed", i shaped it into something i've used on occasion - and into something i've suggested to others to try. to list the things that you are thankful for, things that make you happy, or help you breathe, and also to make a bit of a wish list of things you want to do. looking too far forward can bring on the overwhelm, but sometimes having a few twinkling plans is a good thing.

strange that this song brings out this in me, though conor has always connected to me, lyrically speaking. sometimes hope comes in oddly shaped packages, or in the twist and turn of an unexpected song. so, i sit here and write a small list, and struggle over some of it, while other bits and bobs come pouring out.

five thankfuls:
* my children
* music that makes me feel
* lasting friendship
* bathtubs
* coffee

five wishes:
* vacation (someday)
* healing (for others and my own)
* that i can find the balloon pump for veronica's birthday for balloon animals (hey, wishes do not have to be enormous)
* that my writer's block will end
* the ocean (soon)

i'm aware of what the rules are

"these tears i've cried,
i've cried 1,000 oceans.
and if it seems,
i'm floating in the darkness,
well, i can't believe that i would keep,
keep you from flying.

and i would cry 1,000 more,
if that's what it takes,
to sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home.

i'm aware what the rules are,
but you know that i will run,
you konw that i will follow you.
over silbury hill,
through the solar field,
you know that i will follow you.

and if i find you,
will you still remember,
playing at trains?
or does this little blue ball,
just fade away?

over silbury hill
through the solar field,
you know that i will follow you.
i'm aware what the rules are,
but you know that i will run,
you know that i will follow you.

these tears i've cried,
i've cried 1,000 oceans,
and if it seems,
i'm floating in the darkness,
well i can't believe that i would keep,
keep you from flying.

so, i will cry 1,000 more,
if that's what it takes,
to sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home."

cheers darlin'

all dressed up ~ damien rice

"prepare myself for a war
and i don't know what i'm doing this for
trying to let it all go
but how can i when you still don't know?

i could wait for you
like that hole in your boot
waiting to be fixed

i could wait for you
what good would that do
but to leave me bruised?"

this is one of those soaring, soul-swelling, tears go pouring out of you kind of songs. heavy on the dramatic, weighted in emotion, and the kind of thing that feels like the sweetest kind of knife in your gut.

i cannot stop listening to it, i just cannot stop.

julia and i talked on this sort of thing recently. playing each other some of our favorites, the kind of songs that give you chills everywhere. she has a love for the dramatic lift and swell in a song, and i the lover of lyrical refrain, the kind that feel so personal, even if you know nothing of the person singing, or the story within.

despite the connection, the songs connects, and becomes a part of you. this is today's, for me.

Monday, June 16, 2008

pile up everything you never wanted

all at sea (demo) ~ the libertines

"i know i don't know you,
but don't think i don't know you
i saw you going under
i saved one for me
cause i'm all at sea lad

don't know if i'm coming or going
there's no thorn, north star, can't not poison talk
it belongs to me

i only wanna
oh i just wanna
oh i don't want anything
means to the world to me

well i'm all at sea
i don't know if i'm coming or going
there's no hope, no fear,
there's no rent or rears
leave it all to me

if you take it all away
pile up everything you never wanted
ain't it just too bad
never wanted it so bad

now where can i go?
to hear the songs i need
i used to go to your room
and open up a move making me

ah tell me where can i go?
to hear the songs i need
oh you find me in your room
listen to open up

now where can i go?
just to hear the songs i need
you find me in your room
open up for me."

do not make a sound

"and when the darkness comes,
i lie awake,
playing lost and found.
all at once,
i break the silence,
all at once."

pete yorn, one of those musicians that i sometimes forget about, and then a song comes on and i remember how much i love their music. i was living in michigan when i first heard him. i devoured his first album, falling for each and every song. i remember playing online pool with victoria, jamie and chelle, and talking about pete yorn. chelle and i kept listing the same favorite songs. after that he became one of our favorites, one of those shared connections you have with friends. music is a cord, winding and invisible, connecting the people i love, and have loved, in my life. and, i cherish the memories that songs stir up in me, and the way i see/feel/hear people in songs.

Friday, June 13, 2008

yearns for a sleep that will never come

lover you should've come over (live) ~ jeff buckley

"looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
and maybe i'm too young
to keep good love from going wrong
but tonight you're on my mind so
(you'll never know)

i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
where are you tonight? child, you know how much i need it.
too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

sometimes a man gets carried away,
when he feels like he should be having his fun
and much too blind to see the damage he's done
sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
he has no-one...

so i'll wait for you...
and i'll burn oh
will i ever see your sweet return,
oh, will i ever learn
lover, you should've come over
'cause it's not too late.

lonely is the room the bed is made
the open window lets the rain in
burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
my body turns
and yearns for a sleep that will never come

it's never over,
my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her...
it's never over,
all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over,
she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

maybe I'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong
oh... lover you should've come over...
'cause it's not too late...

i feel too young to hold on
i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind
to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
oh, love i waited for you
lover, you should've come over
'cause it's not too late"

it was eleven years ago this month that the world lost jeff buckley. it seems near unbelievable, the ever-turning and spinning passage of time. i remember the first time i heard grace, and this song in particular. i was working at tower, surrounded by music every moment of every day (not that that has changed much), alongside of people who became a temporary family-of-sorts to me. shelley and alan were talking about the album, both raving about it in their own unique ways, and bantering on about which song they loved, and how much jeff just bled emotion into every moment of the entire album. i had never heard these two agree on anything, least of all a musician.

this i had to hear.

the album, and this song, would come to mean different things to me at various turns and times of my life. it reminds me of those days stocking cd shelves and talking intensely about music, while earning barely above minimum wage. i lived back home then, me and jules, who was just starting pre-school. i was younger in those days, younger than i was ever before, or again.

it brings to mind the weeks i spent in las vegas. one night in particular, up all night with a conversation that veered and swayed, and went so deep that you'd have sworn we'd known each other since childhood, or before. it was the first time i had ever been scared as fuck when faced with the possibility of love, of soul-connecting, of something real. it still taps me on the shoulder and asks "tell me again why you ran like hell from it?"

a more recent memory, reading a 33 1/3 book on the album while riding on the red line train, in chicago. the city and the neighborhoods swooshing by just outside the window. i thought i'd still be there, carving out a new life, and yet running still. the cold air, the itchy feel of a scarf wound too tight, and too close to my skin, and the feeling of being so lost that i wanted someone else to find me, for me.

and tonight, with my ears stuffed with tiny speakers, the music turned on a bit too loud (always), and hitting repeat. it reminds me of tiffanie's grace and trixie, of the ocean, of lost hope, and of the sense of innocence i once had. it also brings to light the way i feel music, the way i take it in, and how grateful i am that it gifts me feeling. within that sense of feeling, and within the music, perhaps i see the bliss in life, the good things i have, and the hope in that. i hang on to it in times like these, as i struggle with sadness - to remember, to feel, to sing, and to hope.

thank you for the music, jeff.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

this is our decision

"i'm feelin' rough, i'm feelin' raw, i'm in the prime of my life
let's make some music make some money find some models for wives
i'll move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars
you man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

this is our decision to live fast and die young
we've got the vision, now let's have some fun
yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

forget about our mothers and our friends
we were fated to pretend

i'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
i'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
i'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
yeah i'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

but there is really nothing, nothing we can do
love must be forgotten. life can always start up anew
the models will have children, we'll get a divorce
we'll find some more models, everything must run its course

we'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
we were fated to pretend
yeah yeah yeah"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

oh how fast those moments flee

"once we watched a lazy world go by,
now the days seem to fly.
life is brief,
but when it's gone;
love goes on and on."

my preferred robin and marian.

there's no simple explanation

"watch the band
through a bunch of dancers
quickly, follow the unknown
with something
more familiar
something familiar

my word,
didn't come, it doesn't matter

so fast asleep in a motel
has the lay of home
and piss on
all of your background
and piss on
all your surroundings

my word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
your word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
oh courage
my word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
it couldn't come at a worse time

so, there's no simple explanation
for anything important
any of us do

and yeah
the human tragedy
consists in
the necessity of living with
the consequences
under pressure
under pressure

my word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
your word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
oh courage
my word
didn't come, it doesn't matter
it couldn't come at a worse time"

random video landed in my inbox and brought tears. suppose i never thought of what the future would lead to for a robin and a marian. a favorite story of mine as a child, quite possibly my most favorite (that and hans christian anderson's the little matchgirl).

it is interesting how as a child you do not question beyond happy ever after's and true love. you expet the heroes to win, even if they are anti-heroes as robin hood is/was. you find yourself believing even when you carry the insecurity/self-deprecating spirit that this society seems to encourage.

i think i need to let go of some of my childhood, even though i thought i'd thrown off and gotten over so damn much of it. and, i think i need to sort out how to be my own hero/anti-hero(ine). with loss there are new doors to discover. when i can pull myself up and out of this sadness i hope to throw them all open.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

i'm one of the million pieces fallen on the ground

come around ~ counting crows

"have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?
little pieces blowing gently on the wind.
they have flown down california,
they have landed in l.a.
little pieces slowly settling on the waves.

i'm one of a million pieces fallen on the ground,
it's one of the reasons when we say goodbye,
we'll still come around,
we will come around.

i have waited for tomorrow from december 'til today,
and i have started loving sorrow along the way.
i am calling from some city,
and i won't be there too long.
i could wait,
and i could waste away,
but what comes back is i hear you say we're gone.

for all the times that i go spinning up and down,
when all of the things have died between us,
well, we'll still come around,
we will come around.

after i've been missing for a while,
and you hear that summer's song.
haven't all the fading lines lingered on?

what i know is: she's going.
when you know it, it's alright.
so you put yourself between you and your pride.

if you wait for what's coming,
and you listen to her lies,
then she'll say the things you need to hear,
and the only one who'll disappear,
is you.

and one of the million lies she said,
is "all of the things you love are dead".
but i've seen what she thinks is love,
and it leaves me laughing.

so, we'll still come around."

but i'm a million different people from one day to the next

bittersweet symphony ~ the verve (the black sessions)

"well i never pray,
but tonight i'm on my knees yeah.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now.
but the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now."

for most of the day i laughed at my mishaps, and there were moments where i felt a bit of better. mochas and walking in the sun, conversations with my best friend, lying on the floor with max talking about trains, and compiling a collection of summer songs. yet somehow, as the night creeps in all still and heavy, the sadness sneaks back in.

Monday, June 9, 2008

and so it is

"and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time

and so it is
the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her skies

i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes...

and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the timeAnd so it is

the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial

i can't take my eyes off you

i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes...

did i say that i loathe you?
did i say that i want to
leave it all behind?

i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you...
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind...

my mind...
my mind..."

one of my most favorite ever authors recently wrote this amazing post that just floored me. if you get a chance, give it a whirl: limmerance (a poem in three acts)

and this album, i picked it up last week at amoeba and cannot seem to get enough of it, especially this song.

and then i weave my way around to another of my most favorite authors and find this: goodbye sweet prince

then my mind went dark

"you write such pretty words,
but life's no storybook.
love's an excuse to get hurt.
and to hurt.
do you like to hurt?
i do, i do.
then hurt me,
then hurt me,
then hurt me..."

feeling rather prickly tonight, emotions still too raw for normal reactions to take place. i keep trying to re-trace my steps from when i felt this low, and what paths i took to get myself back up. its been years and years, and i remember that it was a lot of false starts and stops before i ever could stand steady and feel alright. i wish it was all something a few pretty words could fix, but it just isn't.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

but you don't understand me, you don't understand me, and i want to be understood

"if we all leap before we crawl,
we might fall,
and it's not always candy spun from head to heart,
and it's not always meant to be,
and it's not always up to me."

thanks, bree, for posting lyrics from this song today which brought back this album to my music-addicted heart. this has always been a favorite song of hers, of mine. "follow your wishing heart" is quite similar to my favorite "follow your bliss" that my grandmother used to tell me. sometimes i wake up and realize how much i've lost my way in following bliss.

but, it is never too late to change, to start your own life over, to re-define who you are, to surprise people, to surprise yourself, and to do something for your wishing heart. i hope to find that moment someday soon, not that i'm sure of how it will look or feel, but hopefully i will know when i find my roads again.

we see things they never see: a sunday evening in june mix

we see things they never see: a sunday evening in june mix

beauty in the breakdown

the thing is...
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
when grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, how can a body withstand this?
then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, i will take you
i will love you, again.

by ellen bass

life and i have been having an arguement lately, the kind that have no sense or reason to them, fights that become their own entity and take over. i found myself in tears again this morning, the messy kind, with breathing compromised, things leaking out of nose and eyes, shaking and the familiar and unwelcome feeling of anxiety pounding inside my chest. but, breakdowns are messy, they are, and i know full well that this is what i am going through. i have no illusions that it is anything else. my emotions are overwhelming, as is this feeling of wanting to disappear. i feel misunderstood, even to myself, my own choice of words seem to betray what i want to say.

and yet, i can see outside the window right now at a beautiful day; warm sun, cool breeze. yesterday afternoon walking through one of my favorite spots in hollywood, right by capital records, and the music box, memories that all the connecting streets are full of. my mom let go of some of her angst and bitterness for a bit of time, and we laughed at what some of the buildings meant to us. julia piped in and said something about loving the way that los angeles was a mix of beauty and decay, and i thought how much of that is how i love life, as well - when i can remember that i do love it.

life and i have some making up to do, though i do not know how long it will take. i know that i am hurting, and that i am trying not to go numb. i need to feel all of this, and not worry that i am disappointing everyone by falling, and i need to remember that it is the beauty and the decay, the lovely and the ugly, that i have always loved in this life, and in the people i hold dear - and somehow let myself into that, too. i just wish i felt stronger, and not so alone.