Friday, February 29, 2008

music is my oxygen

sometimes i wonder to myself what my life would be like if i didn't love music in the way that i do. if songs were just something that played in the background, or was the source of mindless sound. what if i was not moved so deeply by a lyrical refrain, or a particular chord change. who would i be then? would i still consider myself a writer? would my emotions ebb and flow the same way? would i have the same friends? would i be a mother? a wife?

i try to think back to a time where music was not a part of my life and i come back completely blank. from my earliest memories there is music embedded in them. from the songs my mother sang in the kitchen, or in the car while she shuttled the kids in her carpool to and from school. the songs that i somehow attached to made up ideas of my father, put together as a soundtrack from albums that i would find in my mother's collection that i knew she never played, assuming they must have been his.

the contents of countless mixed tapes gave language to words i never could quite speak, especially when i was the shy girl who was far too filled with insecurities to tell people exactly how i felt, or what i dreamed of. the stories i made up in my head while driving in my first car, how the music helped bring them to life, becoming my muse, and my inspiration. even the pages of my adolescent journals, cringe-worthy and melodramatic prose about forgettable crushes, it was the music that would spin on my record player that became the soundtrack of those yellowing pages.

even now, i lose and find myself in shuffle on my music player. i fall for albums, lyrics, singers, songwriters and bands. some more than others, the ones that make a mark on my soul, and become part of a collection that i often believe i will carry with me always. those key songs that i would slip into a time capsule, or take along on that proverbial desert island mix. conversations on music are the ones i treasure, and are the core to connection that i share with the dearest of people i meet in this life. i have a hard time fathoming not feeling this way, and ever truly understanding a person who is unmoved by a song.

i don't really care what genre of music you choose to relate to. i've never been able to be one of those music snobs that turn my nose up at someone's love of music, even if it isn't something i find a connection to. and, i have never been satisfied with hearing only one kind of music. one of my most dreaded questions is when someone asks me "what kind of music do you like?" i'm ever tempted to answer with "how long do you have?" or with a frustrated shrug of my shoulders and a "how can i possibly answer that?"

there is always a new song to discover, and ever an album near forgotten to get re-acquainted with. a stumbled upon song that you find yourself singing along to, even though years and years have passed since you last heard it. or, every once in awhile, a song you already know, though you swear you've never heard it before. perhaps they are the tunes i heard when i was a wee child, or even those in-utero albums my mother (and yes, probably my father) played in that tiny house we first called home. it was on charlotte drive, around the corner from my grandfather's welding shop, the one that had the soda machine that sold glass bottles of coca-cola.

i wonder how my children will feel about music as they grow. i know max has rhythm in his blood, an uncanny knack for beats and timing. and veronica, she prefers music she can spin around to, ballerina music that julia finds for her on one of those stations on our cable television, the classical one. she also seems to love the music david plays in the car when they drive together. i remember one afternoon when we were off to somewhere, and i caught her sweet little girl voice singing along to sufjan stevens chicago. and julia, well she seems to have inherited my obsession with music, though much of her taste seems closer to david's.

maybe they will recall songs that were my favorites when they are all grown up. they will hear them and remember moments we shared, or places we've lived, or travelled to. i wonder what songs will remind them of being small, which ones will recall their first loves, first kisses, first heartbreak. and i wonder what songs will move me when i grow old, when i slow down, when i have grandchildren of my own, and boxes of memories.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

all you need is love

"there's nothing you can know that isn't known.
nothing you can see that isn't shown.
nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
it's easy."

music and love on rooftops, and they all sing together. happy endings, they still don't bore me.

all you need is love

song of the day

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

music to take on the road (or something)

well you may be a lover, but you ain't no dancer: a mix

toss me a cigarette

"i'm lost, i said, though i knew she was sleeping,
i'm empty and aching,
and i dont know why."

this is one of those songs that i remember vividly from my childhood, and yet, despite that memories it brings up i have carried it with me, and re-defined it over and again. the sign of an amazing song, at least to me, is a song that transcends time and place, or even what the songwriter meant it to be. a song that you can turn on at different points of your life and discover something new in it. today it feels heavy, and sad, and full of a longing i have deep inside. and it calls to an itch to not be inside walls, a call of the road, of the ocean and of movement. today this song is making me cry.

america ~ simon and garfunkel

song of the day

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot

"don't be a criminal in this police state,
you'd better shop, and eat, and procreate,
you've got vacation days, then you might escape,
to a condo on the coast.

i set my watch to the atomic clock,
i hear the crowd count down until the bomb gets dropped,
i always figured there'd be time enough,
i never let it get me down.

but, i can't help it now,
looking for faces in the clouds,
i've got some friends i barely see.

but, we're all planning to meet,
we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves,
all together for eternity."

i'm a basket case of emotion today. anyone talking to me has officially been warned. i think i need to lay in a bag of dead leaves and clear my head. yeah. thank you, conor.


easy/lucky/free ~ bright eyes

song of the day

Monday, February 25, 2008

does this town hold no more for me

"oh well you’ve been here before,
fell in love and carried her over the threshold,
thinking, she’s far too good looking to do the cooking."

this song gets into my head and just has no desire to leave. and the chorus, try singing it as loud as you can while driving on the freeway in early morning traffic. i mean really singing it, complete abandon car concert style. fucking brilliant, is what it is.

baddie's boogie ~ babyshambles

song of the day

Sunday, February 24, 2008

how still we stood

our story isn't a file of photographs
faces laughing under green leaves
or snowlit doorways, on the verge of driving
away, our story is not about women
victoriously perched on the one
sunny day of the conference,
nor lovers displaying love:

our story is of moments
where even slow motion moved too fast
for the shutter of the camera:
words that blew our lives apart, like so,
eyes that cut and caught each other
mime of the operating room
where gas and knives quote each other
moments before the telephone
starts ringing: our story is
how still we stood,
how fast.

for an album ~ adrienne rich

Saturday, February 23, 2008

still you don't regret a single day

i just finished watching across the universe, with julia. we loved it. suppose it is predictable that we do, the way the beatles have been such an integral part of my life, and hers. to be honest, i cannot remember a time in my life that the beatles were not a part of. my mom played their albums continually, singing their songs as lullabies and as the soundtrack to our rides to school, evening meals, and the weekend dinner parties she would host.

when i eventually moved out on my own i lifted a few of her beatles albums and took them with me. part of the reason was my love for the songs, especially off of rubber soul. but, part of it, looking back, was that it was a piece of my mother i could take with me. no matter how shaky and broken our relationship got, and even though i rarely felt secure in her ways of being a mother, she still was that to me...and in the lonely hours between far too late and way too early, when you lie awake and find that you can't sleep, sometimes it is the image and memory of our mother that we cling to.

then there was julia's dad. he loved the beatles in an almost rebellion of his upbringing. he dressed like them, learned to play guitar because of them, fancied the decisions he made to be inspired by them. our mutual love for the music was one of the rare things we had in common, and julia, pretty much the only other thing we shared, well naming her after john lennon's mother, and the song julia, just made sense.

the two of us would sit by her cradle and sing blackbird to her. she claims to remember it, though i'm not sure if it is an authentic memory, or one of those hazy images we create as part of our stories - or because we have heard the story told so much we start to see it when we close our eyes. when lucy sang the lines from it, sitting and facing the ocean, i stole a look at julia and caught the tears in her eyes. i love that music moves her like it does, that she feels it as deeply as i do. it is one of our shared loves, and i think it always will be.

time means nothing

"this door is always open,
this door is always open,
no one has the guts to shut us out.
but if we have to go now,
i guess there's always hope that,
some place will be serving after hours."

huzzah for stan and gary, stepping in and playing with the band. it's good to see you both, and damn, i'm digging this song quite a bit.

after hours (live) ~ we are scientists

song of the day

Friday, February 22, 2008


"when we say no to violence, we always imagine a knife, a bomb, a gun. however, to me, violence is caused by our attitude. for example, telling people that they are good for nothing, that they are lazy, and that they are this, and that they are that. i think this is a great violence."

the joy of loving ~ mother teresa

Thursday, February 21, 2008

and an english song

"if you're looking for a cheap sort,
set in false anticipation,
i'll be waiting in the photo booth
at the underground station.

so come away,
wont you come away."

recorded live in rome and quite the song. you lot are amazing, brings tears to my eyes, it really does. the music and the connection that you can see between all of you.

much love xxx.

albion (live) ~ babyshambles
(courtesy of 1waytikt2tickletown)

song of the day

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

smoke all my cigarettes again

"you are the last drink i never should have drunk.
you are the body hidden in the trunk.
you are the habit i can't seem to kick.
you are my secrets on the front page every week.

you are the car i never should have bought.
you are the train i never should have caught.
you are the cut that makes me hide my face.
you are the party that makes me feel my age.

like a car crash i can see but i just can't avoid.
like a plane i've been told i never should board.
like a film that's so bad but i've gotta stay til the end.
let me tell you now,
it's lucky for you that we're friends."

like a friend ~ pulp

song of the day

Monday, February 18, 2008

we create our own cast shadows

"...when a man's past outweighs his future,
then he's a man standing in his own shadow..."

enter a free man ~ tom stoppard

Sunday, February 17, 2008

and then smiles cover your heart

"i want to hold the hand inside you,
i want to take a breath thats true.
i look to you and i see nothing,
i look to you to see the truth.

you live your life,
you go in shadows,
youll come apart,
and youll go black.

some kind of night into your darkness,
colors your eyes with whats not there."

not much to say tonight except that this song is haunting me.

fade into you ~ mazzy star

song of the day

Saturday, February 16, 2008


keep art alive; art by kelly vivanco

an excerpt from tiffanie debartolo's blog:

"I said yes to the question, but I was mistaken.

What I once thought of as heartbreak was actually yearning—that deep-rooted feeling you get when all you want is a chance.

Heartbreak is a bigger equation.
It's yearning minus hope plus the future.

It's never and forever and nothing all wrapped up into one crushing sensation.
It's when you get your chance and then you blow it to smithereens.
Or worse
someone else blows it to smithereens for you."

her words, the way she writes, they resonate so deeply with me.

you were in my dream

"i think last night,
you were driving circles around me."

being sick turns my emotions delicate and breakable, my vulnerability lying carelessly on my feverish skin. tears come easy, as does anger.

but, your arms around me in the dark, no words exchanged, helped me sleep.
sometimes i think it is in our silence that it makes sense, that in the quiet i can breathe.

coffee on my lips now, and jangled feelings as the day goes on. i really do not feel well, not at all.

your ghost ~ kristin hersh & michael stipe
song of the day

Friday, February 15, 2008

stop playing with my heart

"just try to understand,
ive given all i can,
cause you got the best of me."

always loved the original, and love adam's take on it, too. and the lyrics? yeah.

borderline (live) ~ counting crows

song of the day

Thursday, February 14, 2008

i just took a trip on my love for him

"i hear him,
before i go to sleep
and focus on the day thats been.
i realise hes there,
when i turn the light off and turn over.

nobody knows about my man.
they think hes lost on some horizon.
and suddenly i find myself
listening to a man ive never known before,

telling me about the sea,
all his love, til eternity.

ooh, hes here again,
the man with the child in his eyes.
ooh, hes here again,
the man with the child in his eyes.

hes very understanding,
and hes so aware of all my situations.
and when i stay up late,
hes always waiting,
but i feel him hesitate.

oh, im so worried about my love.
they say, no, no, it wont last forever.
and here i am again, my girl,
wondering what on earth im doing here.
maybe he doesnt love me.
i just took a trip on my love for him.

ooh, hes here again,
the man with the child in his eyes.
ooh, hes here again,
the man with the child in his eyes."

the man with the child in his eyes ~ kate bush

song of the day


life's too short to be a fool

"when you are young the world is a ferris wheel,
i know we will grow old it is lovely, still.
make a plan to love me sometime soon.

will you make a plan to love me?
will you make a plan to love me?
will you make a plan to love me sometime soon?"

always love you, truly. but sometimes it feels good to be told, and asked.

happy valentine's day.

make a plan to love me ~ bright eyes

song of the day

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

she's been looking over a lot

"it's uncomfortable all night to sit,
get on the dancefloor, it's a direct hit."

art brut makes me want to dance, and be silly giddy happy, even though i feel feverish and sick.

direct hit ~ art brut

song of the day

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

book of longing

ah. that.
that's what i was so disturbed
about this morning:
my desire has come back, and i want you again.
i was doing fine,
i was above it all.
the boys and girls were beautiful
and i was an old man, loving everyone.
and now i want you again,
i want your absolute attention,
your underwear rolled down in a hurry
still hanging on one foot,
and nothing on my mind
but to be inside
the only place
that has
no inside,
and no outside.

book of longing ~ leonard cohen

Sunday, February 10, 2008

and as i dreamt i swear i felt you in my arms again

"you've come such a long way, with no one to comfort you,
or to tell you you're needed.

you and i come from the same place,
but if i were to call for you, what's there left to believe in?

what's there left to believe in?

what's there left to believe in?

no way, you're looking down,
took my heart and ripped my crown.

and i'm fallin' for ya,
and i'm fallin' for ya,
and i'm falling for you, ah, that's enough to believe in."

the demise of my hard drive cost me all my music. but, people who i love and who seem to get the addiction to music i possess are sending me songs, offering to burn me cd's, or singing to me across the airwaves.

thank you. music is my oxygen.


calliope ~ the veils

song of the day

Saturday, February 9, 2008

against the jutted stars

when i go away from you
the world beats dead
like a slackened drum.
i call out for you against the jutted stars
and shout into the ridges of the wind.
streets coming fast,
one after the other,
wedge you away from me,
and the lamps of the city prick my eyes
so that i can no longer see your face.
why should i leave you,
to wound myself upon the sharp edges of the night?

taxi ~ amy lowell

it's a mixed up muddled up shook up world

"well, we drank champagne and danced all night,
under electric candlelight.
she picked me up,
and sat me on her knee,
and said dear boy won't you come home with me."

jules and i were singing along with ray davies and the kinks this morning. jules looks over at me and giggles, and says "why does it not surprise me that you love this song, mom?"

what can i say, my daughter knows me well.

happy saturday.

lola ~ the kinks

song of the day

Friday, February 8, 2008

but you can't paint an elephant quite as good as she

"well i could throw it out,
and i could live without,
and i could do it all for you
i could be strong."

sometimes it is easier just to be alright with where your heart exists, and sometimes it is alright to say you need a hand to hold.

we are all stronger than we realize, and weaker than we seem, yeah? flawed and beautiful, and spectacularly fucked up, but in all of it we are still alive.

and i wish no one had hurt any of us, and that we had never hurt each other. the human condition breaks my heart sometimes.

but, i believe in healing, and to learning how to stand on our own, and to letting each other break and repair in whatever time it takes. to not let our pain define us, but to not avoid it either.

i don't know, it all feels clear internally but sometimes words do not translate from feelings clearly. seems we spend an awful lot of time trying to be perfect for each other, and in that race and rush to be this self-defined perfect we end up controlling, manipulating, hiding, and hurting each other.

there is so much strength when you can come to someone you love and say "i am hurting, i am messy, but i trust you enough to let you see this." we sometimes see this as weakness, but it is so far from being weak. holding on to our pain just helps to breed insecurity, and in that insecurity lies behavior that is born out of fear, and can do so much harm.

and, i have probably lost my train of thought.
and, i am not sure now how all this connects to the song i chose to share.
and, i really need sleep something fierce.

but, somewhere in my convoluted heart and head, this all makes sense.

this year, it is all about learning, at least for me.

elephant ~ damien rice

song of the day

Thursday, February 7, 2008

because she loves you

kill me with the adorable.

quite lovely, the lot of you.

i fill the bath and climb inside singing

"i draw a jackal-headed woman, in the sand.
sing of a lover's fate,
sealed by jealous hate,
then wash my hand in the sea.

with just three days more,
i’d have just about learned the entire score,
to aida.

holidays must end,
as you know.
all is memory,
taken home with me;
the opera,
the stolen tea,
the sand drawing,
the verging sea.
all years ago."

one of my forever favorite songs, that without exception brings tears. the images in this song, the emotions rendered, they are all so rich and beautiful - even in the heartache.

verdi cries ~ natalie merchant

song of the day

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

life is not a paragraph

keep art alive; art by tiffs

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. don't cry
-the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

and death i think is no parenthesis

i put my hands where your wings should be

"i've got this light hangs over me,
i've got this fear cuts into me,
and i can't see very far.
and when you said that you were dead,
i hung on.

something i feel,
you are an angel,
or maybe you could've been.
something out here,
you are an angel,
or maybe you could've been."

the end of a bad day and feeling very emotional, but also feeling very loved. so, in the end, life is good.

maybe an angel ~ heather nova

song of the day


"if heaven and hell decide,
that they both are satisfied,
illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs;

if there's no one beside you,
when your soul embarks,
then i'll follow you into the dark."

thank you for understanding me.
i love you.

i will follow you into the dark ~ death cab for cutie

it's just around the bend

"yours is the fire that gets in my head.
mine is desire,
so let it burn down your bed.

cause i heard about those stories, yeah,
i guess everyone has.
i heard them say sometimes you fall,
just on your own with no-one at all."

this song is stuck in my head for all kinds of reasons, and for no reason at all.

vice ~ razorlight

song of the day

just like starting over

"it's time to spread our wing's and fly,
don't let another day go by my love,
it'll be just like starting over."

at least that is the attitude i am choosing to take with this. my laptop is dead. the hard drive failed and i have literally lost everything i have saved on it (music, photos, writing). it is all replaceable, and i have been in this before - the state of losing things that mean something to me, and starting over - and i know how to get through it.

it still sucks, though.

so far, this year seems to be about loss and new beginnings; so be it, i suppose. i feel the shift in myself already, trying to remember to simplify, to breathe, to let things go, and to start over. and to remember to let myself make mistakes, breakdown, sort it out, and start again.

i may send a plea for music at some point. and, the story i am currently working on is in my drafts - so huzzah for that.

really, i have all that is important to me - my family and friends, and the people i love.

i'm lucky, truly i am.

i'll just brush self off & look ahead, best we can ever do really.

song of the day

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

i'm happy to be your fool

keep art alive; art by martin pulaski

"and i was busy finding answers while you just got on with real life,
always hoped you'd be my wife.
but i never found the time,
for the question to arrive;
i just disguised it in a song.

and songs,
are never quite the answer,
just a soundtrack to a life,
that is over all too soon."

a found photograph of a girl who shares my name, back in a time briefly before i was born. catch a glimpse and i start coloring in the gaps and lines, filling in the blanks of where she is off to, and who is running through her mind at the moment of snap and click. the photographer notes that she is on her way to work, but there is more below the surface.

there is always so much more below our surfaces.

but yesterday when i saw your eyes in a black haze you didn't even know my name

"but we're all happy cause the streets they're always there for us,
and it's quite scary when you wake up in the same old clubs.
it's getting darker,
and i know this time wasn't meant for us,
so won't you please please please come back to me."

a string of songs are holding hands together, and circling around me as i write. a soundtrack, though unintentional, is slowly building around the story i am creating and it makes me realize how connected art is, and how intrinsically linked i am to music.

no need to fight it, though, the music pushed along the first words on the page, and it keeps me going. my muse is a mix of songs, and no one is suprised.

please please please ~ the shout out louds

song of the day

consequences wall of sound

each contributing artist brought something to it, without knowing what came before, or what would follow. pretty damn keen, if you ask me - and a good cause, too.

be a part of it.

Monday, February 4, 2008

another time undone

keep art alive; art by allison torneros

"hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again,
down on my knees and my hands in the air again,
pushing my face in the memory of you again;
but, i never know if it's real,
never know how i wanted to feel."

when i write somewhere in my head a title looms; stark and distant, at times, but there all the same. i don't know how much it affects the words used, or the plots turns and eventual end, but it must. i would think it would have to dictate something. occasionally, though, words fly out of me as if someone has sliced open a vein and left me bleeding. and it is this, the sudden and determined outpouring, that i sometimes find myself labeling it 'untitled'. there is freedom there, mystery, and perhaps it lends itself to a delivery that is ripe for the reader's own interpretation.

with this song, i know i have felt it mean different things to me at different times. and maybe, in it's lack of a substantial title, it is left more pliable. i know i have molded it to fit, and change. even today, sitting here writing a bit of fiction on the side, i hear it and it layers over my words. a soundtrack happening without my knowing, or planning. untitled, yet fitting so well in a piece i have given a name to. and it is here, playing along, and fitting right in.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

i'm ready

Talk Show Host (Radiohead)
Video sent by -aMeLe-

"you want me?
well come on and break the door down.
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down."

talk show host ~ radiohead

song of the day

Saturday, February 2, 2008

why'd you sing with me at all

"we might live like never before
when there's nothing to give,
well how can we ask for more?

we might make love in some sacred place,
the look on your face is delicate.

so, why'd you fill my sorrow,
with the words you've borrowed,
from the only place that you've known?

and why'd you sing hallelujah,
if it means nothing to you?"

paperback letdown
by me

another page is ripped away from a book i clung to for far too long,
a fairytale story of a girl who had neverending quests to fulfill;
a string of dragons to slay for everyone who crossed her path,
and still the demands of being a princess beckoning;
to be fair, true, and vulnerable to love's twisting illusions,
with blood still dripping from her trying-to-hide hands.

but how can one be both savior and damsel in distress?
daisy-chains braided into my hair as a child were not the uniform of a lifetime,
even though i think i clung to the significance of those wispy, wild flowers,
enough to paint them into my skin around a name not truly my own.
perhaps they were my attempts to re-write the plot twists,
or at least give this girl a different kind of ending.

pour me a drink, and i'll tell you some lies

"first they say they want you,
how they really need you.
suddenly you find you're out there,
walking in a storm.

when they know they have you,
then they really have you.
nothing you can do or say,
you've got to leave,
just get away

we all know the song."

just, yeah.

love on the rocks ~ neil diamond

song of the day

Friday, February 1, 2008

still i see monsters

the night started with a mixed up directions foible, not something all that uncommon when driving anywhere with me. this time, though, it was truly a mistake in directions as one necessary freeway was left out. we eventually solved the mishap and made it to the show. the campus of ucla is always a bit of a surprise to me, lush and beautiful, rather how i always picture universities are meant to look due to the depictions i have seen on the screen. the night was cool and crisp, but clear enough to see stars - orion's belt, to be precise, as pointed out by kate's young son, austin. fitting to the starry night, the first song we caught as we descended the stairs leading to our balcony seats, was when the stars go blue. the stage, lit up in glorious blue lights that shone on and around the shadowy silhouettes of cactus, set the tone and enveloped us into the music immediately.

i am not a fan of arriving late to shows, stumbling about in the dark to find a seat and not being there when the lights go down always leave me feeling a little disjointed, but not this time. the music would not let me, it pulled me right in and i was spinning around in it for the rest of the set.

despite the fact that i had been told time and again how incredible ryan is live, it still blew me away at what kind of performer he actually is. his talent is breathtaking, handling his guitars as if they were extensions of his own body, bending and pulling into each progression and strum. and later, sat in front of the piano, blowing me away once again with the music that just seeps out of his small frame. and then there was his voice, soaring and sultry, going everywhere from heartbreaking in songs like blue hotel (a recent favorite of mine), to playful and retro rock and roll on shakedown on 9th street (making me smile with the chorus of "lucy, lucy my gal").

covers of alice in chains' down in a hole and oasis' wonderwall were brilliant, ryan taking familiar songs and making them completely their own. wonderwall brought tears streaming down my cheeks, stark and vulnerable, and just beautiful.

i see monsters was my favorite of the night. the haunting lyrics, ryan's voice echoing throughout royce hall in some kind of soulful desperate plea to true love and sleepless nights. there was a bit of the ghost of jeff buckley in his voice, that crooning blues-heavy kind of number that makes your soul shake. i knew right then and there that this would be a show that would reverberate in my senses for a long time afterwards, and that this song would become one of those that live in my canon of musical devotion. the kind of song that asks for the repeat button to be hit, over and over, as i close my eyes and see a story slowly unfolding.

amidst all the beauty and awe there was the sheer wit and hilarity that is ryan's personality. his random rambles of conversation were the kind of thing that you have with friends you have known for years, sitting around a room and talking circles around everything and anything. he talked of an unrequited high school crush that led him to buy a white lion album, which strung its way to his created version of how the band got their name. another time it was about grocery shopping while high, and having a crisis in the frozen food aisle, or the unfortunate dismay of having to poop in someone else's house. it sounds silly, i suppose, and maybe it becomes a case of "you just had to have been there", but when ryan would go off on one of his seemingly non-sensical tangents the invisible fourth wall that separates the audience from the performer fell down, and it left you with the illusion that we were all just sitting around with a good friend who happens to be an incredible musician, in the true sense of the word.

there was more to rave about, much more, but my head is a bit fuzzy, and my nerves still jangly from the show - in the best way. all i can say, in closing, is if you get the chance to see ryan and the cardinals live, you should take it, i guarantee you will not be disappointed.

i hope young austin loved it as much as i did. for a first concert experience it was a pretty keen one. and again, a special and heartfelt thank you to kate for taking me. it meant more than i can express in words.

ryan adams and the cardinals, january 31, 2008 ~ royce hall, ucla, california.

but she wont let you go

"but, when they played that song at the death disco,
it started fast,
but it ends so slow,
and all the time it just reminded me of you."

don't look back into the sun ~ the libertines

will stay with me forever

"well, i'll confess all of of my sins,
after several large gins;
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you."

music when the lights go out ~ peter doherty

when you gonna love you as much as i do

"i run off,
where the drifts get deeper,
sleeping beauty trips me with a frown.
i hear a voice,
'you must learn to stand up for yourself,
cause i can't always be around'.

he says,
when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?

cause things are gonna change so fast,
all the white horses are still in bed.
i tell you that i'll always want you near,
you say that things change, my dear."

a friend of mine from work recently lost her father. his memorial service was this afternoon, and i left there moved and full of thoughts.

karen is someone i have just recently gotten to know, but she is a kindered spirit in the way that you just know someone even before you really know them. we both feel music in this very similar way, and have this belief in people's hearts that often transcends what they show on their surfaces. we have quite a few shared life experiences, and have had some big similarities that sometimes is a big staggering to realize. i truly believe that we meet people when we are supposed to, and that we learn so much from each other - more than we even realize.

karen played this song in memory of her father, and in connection with the eulogy she wrote on his life. her story of this loving but flawed man was beyond moving to me. when i held her in an embrace later she told me "i knew you would get it, that out of anyone you would understand. thank you."

i left the garden, where we had toasted this man i had never met before, with this strong sense of life, love, and not giving up. i feel like the last few days have been filled with these impactful experiences, as if the universe is telling me things and helping me along, or perhaps it is just that i am finally learning to listen. whatever it is, i know i feel changed. i feel more alive, more aware, and more full of love than i have in my life. and even in sadness i feel this enormous sense of hope.

i should have said "thank you" right back. and thank you to the music last night, and the company of people i love. and thank you for all this learning.

winter ~ tori amos

makes me want to be a little stronger

ryan adams & the cardinals at royce hall ucla, california, january 31

keep art alive; art by nobodygrrl

"baby, i know you cannot hear me now,
'cause you're fast asleep,
but, i love you now.

colors inside your head go spinning around,
like a ferris wheel,
exploding and falling to the ground.

oh, people are screaming,
people are screaming,
my baby, she's dreaming.

oh, people are shouting,
people are freaking,
i'm just staring at the ceiling,
waiting for the feeling."

i have much more to say, and will sort out a more (i'd say "proper", but my reviews are nothing near "proper") detailed review later. all i want to say, right here and now, is ryan is amazing; pretty much fucking amazing. and, i see monsters blew me completely away. i am still completely unhinged by it.

just wow - i mean really - wow.

thank you, kate. i needed the music more than i have words to say.