Tuesday, April 29, 2008

my resistance is low

come closer ~ dirty pretty things
& the video

"hails to the chancers,
as boredom kills like cancer,
we need dreams
for the romancers,
and i'm looking to you

well, the life's so lonely
i need my one and only
if you know love
come on and show me
now i'm looking to you

so come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer
my resistance is low
come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer
i'm not letting you go

had love and i set it free
but it never came back to me,
now the skies have gone ugly
from bolton to rugby
as i'm looking for you

now come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer
my resistance is low
don't pay mind to them
you're most beautiful when you don't bother
so just let it go

ohhh ohhh ohhh it's hard to sacrifice
so let me out, let me out
ohhhhhhh well it's hard to sacrifice
so let me out
i'm gonna find it all,
i'm gonna find it all

ohhhh come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer
my the resistance is low
don't pay mind to them
you're most beautiful when you don't bother
so just let it go."

Monday, April 28, 2008

what a life on mars

thanks to michelle for recording this...

"why should i wait until tomorrow?
i've already been,
i've already seen
all the sorrow that's in store.

but if i beg steal or borrow,
just to hold on tighter,
to all the sorrow,
tries to chaw.

if I change my tune,
maybe well i won't be bound to doom."

it's weird now to think that i was almost there for the LMHR, that i came just this close to buying a ticket to london, for the end of april. of course, i meant to be there for the RAH show, but i had plans to be at the carnival, too. huzzah to drew for his convictions in standing up for causes that matter to him. i know this one in particular is a big one for him, and for peter. it would have been keen to see babyshambles play there. it really would have been. i'm sure they wish they had played, too.

maybe next year...

Sunday, April 27, 2008

when you float like a cannon

"there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear,
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear,
you step a little closer to me,
so close that i can´t see what´s going on."

so sick right now that i just want to sleep and disappear, and not be struggling to breathe. the fires in the hills behind us are not helping my cause, but i think i'd be suffering with or without the blaze. i've coughed so much that my head is pounding, my ribs ache, and my throat feels as if i've been swallowing glass.

i want to sink into the ocean, sleep at the bottom, with no need to breathe. or just somehow find my way to better.

a frightening magic i cling to

you're all i have ~ snow patrol

"you're cinematic razor sharp,
a welcome arrow through the heart,
under your skin feels like home,
electric shocks on aching bones.

give me a chance to hold on,
give me a chance to hold on,
give me a chance to hold on,
just give me something to hold onto."

dreams of crooked tooth smiles and music blaring through car stereo speakers. a borrowed car, a dusty blue station wagon like we had when i was a child. we are speeding through the desert, wind kicking up smoke spirals and waves of heat around us. you tell me that you've never seen such beauty, and i laugh because this landscape always seemed so desolate to me. i prefer the presence of water and shade, green everywhere and the feel of rain on my skin. but, for a moment i see it the way you do, and take your hand into mine, threading our fingers together. the best you can ask for is connection, is for someone who can teach you to see things from different angles, and for someone to not mind so much when you play the music, feel the music, live the music, and sing along.

give me a chance to hold on.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

she sings a song

summertime rolls ~ jane's addiction
& the video (live)

"me and my girlfriend,
don't wear no shoes,
her nose is painted pepper,

she loves me,
i mean it's serious,
as serious can be..."

friday night, sitting cross-legged on the floor smoking too many cigarettes and talking about the early nineties in los angeles. she used to run a magazine, and we flipped through the pages, remembering the band names, clubs, venues. i recalled a sunday night, back when it was stardust ballroom, i was sitting on a back couch talking to a boy with a camera. he was friends with the band, hell, weren't we all friends with a band then (and now)?

and the other boy, the one who would pop cassettes into my car stereo and ask me to drive. he would lay his head in my lap and sing to me. my free hand would wander, fingertips tugging in his tangled hair. he smelled of cigarettes and perfume oils, and something else, something undescribable, but uniquely his. we watched the sun come up, parked beside twisted paths and shadowy headstones. we traded rings and whispered words, as our bodies pressed against each other. neither of us knowing that it would be years until we'd see each other again, and that it would never be love again.

Friday, April 25, 2008

all the songs that say life's worth the worry and the pain

dilly boys ~ the libertines
dilly boys ~ peter doherty
dilly boys (live at the rhythm factory) ~ peter doherty

"she's my moral guide,
but she does nothing at all;
smokes all of my bones and stares at the wall,

maybe she'll pace the room,
howl at the moon."

i've lost my voice, and lost too much sleep this week. i used to not mind my battles with insomnia, often looked at it as opportunity to put more into a day, or at least as a quiet time to write. but lately, it is taking its toll on me. sleep is necessary, and i sometimes miss the dreams i have (had) that help fuel my writing. worry and stress, and moments of self-doubt, are not the best bedtime companions, are they?

so, my wish for today? howls at the moon to sing a fine goodnight, and then long and lazy sleep.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

please try to be patient and know that i'm still learning

the hill ~ marketa irglova

"where are you, my angel now?
don't you see me crying?
and i know that you can't do it all,
but you can't say your not trying.
i'm on my knees in front of him,
but he doesn't seem to see me.
but all his troubles on his mind,
is looking right through me.
and i'm letting myself down,
deciding is falling you.
and i wish that you could see,
i have my troubles too."

there's a pull to the flow

"peek in...
into the peer in;
i'm not really like this...

i'm probably plightless,
i cup the window.
i'm crippled and slow,
for the agony
i'd rather know.

'cause blinded,
i am blindsided.

would you really rush out for me now?"

wearing pigtails and a pinned on grasp at hope. somedays i feel as if the puzzle pieces of life are fitting into place, as if i could squint my eyes and lean a little in one direction (or the other) and suss out where the paths lead. but then i end up in that spin of self-doubt, second guessing is a dire thing sometimes, and tends to upend any "following your bliss". my eyes are half-blindfolded, and half stuck in a dream - perhaps sleeping, for once, would help clear up the haze. or maybe, just maybe, this is really what seeing myself feels like.

today's scrawled wish: to sit by the water, not particular to the location (though i have a few in mind), and learn to be comfortale in shared silence.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

love is a doing word

teardrop ~ massive attack

"most faithful my love,
feathers on my breath,
teardrop on the fire
feathers on my breath,
stumbling a little."

sometimes it is the simple action of writing out a wish that breathes life into it, and takes it that one closer step to coming true. to dance to this song, someday, falling into an embrace. perhaps in that precarious time that borders late at night and early morning. no words passing between, just the exchange of breathing, music floating throughout the room, and wrapping around us close.

one more day has passed, and i hit repeat, listening to the song again.

i don't want to be lost

"mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?
mr. postman, do you have a letter for me?
a letter for me,
from my own true love,
lost at sea.
lost at sea."

and this song reached out and held hands with the words i just read from a story that a friend (and amazing writer) is weaving. perhaps the two meet int he middle, and it all works, the lost are found, and neither feels the tug to lose themselves anymore. is that not what true connection is? what we all are searching for, secretly or openly?

"i don’t want to be lost. i want to be found."
(from 'three steps to heaven' by tania mcintosh)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

for the later parade

"once i wanted to be the greatest,
no wind or waterfall could stall me,
and then came the rush of the flood,
the stars at night turned deep to dust.

melt me down,
into big black armour;
leave no trace,
of grace,
just in your honor."

and it came fast, a sudden shock, as if a winter cold had passed deep within my bones. and i knew before a phone rang, or anything was spoken, or explained. all of it, every moment, was the scariest and yet the most impactful of feelings. words do not suffice, and i will never be the same. thank you.

row row row

the good old days ~ the libertines
"daisy chains and school yard games,
& a list of things we said we'd do tomorrow,
a list of things we said we'd do tomorrow.

the arcadian dream has all fallen through,
but the albion sails on course,
so lets man the decks and hoist the rigging,
because the pig mans found the source,
& theres twelve rude boys on the oars."

but you are another mystery i am missing

"before the truth goes back into hiding,
i want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding,
to work on finding something more than this fear."

i've probably posted this song before, in fact i'm almost certain i have. i know this song has meant varying things to me at different times in my life, and that there are times when my heart takes in messages from everything i hear, speak, experience, and breathe in. suppose that is the core reason for my obsession with music, with art, and with the mystery of expression. i am forever moved by the human condition. we all tuck so many truths into the things we feel, write, sing, and dream.

i've had a moment with this song this morning, and it means enough for me to tack it up and say yes, thank you, i think i'm starting to understand me a little bit more.

Monday, April 21, 2008

fall asleep next to me

black and blue (live, video) ~ counting crows

"fading everything to black and blue,
you look a lot like you,
shatter in the blink of an eye,
you keep sailing right on through.

every time you say you're learning,
you just look a lot like me,
pale under the blistering sky,
white and red,
black and blue.

you've been waiting a long time,
you've been waiting a long time,
to fall down,
on your knees;
cut your hands,
cut yourself until you bleed,
and fall asleep next to me.

wait for everyone to go away,
and in a dimly lit,
room where you've got nothing to hide,
say your goodbyes.

tell yourself we'll read,
a note that says,
i'm sorry everyone,
i'm tired of feeling nothing,

wash your face,
and dry your eyes.

cause you've been waiting a long time,
you've been waiting a long, long time.
to fall down,
on your knees,
cut your hands,
cut yourself until you bleed,
but fall asleep next to me.

have a dream i'm falling down,
on my face,
scrape my knees,
scrape my hands until they bleed,
cause you're fast asleep next to me,
next to me,
next to me,
next to me."

Sunday, April 20, 2008

everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds

"you seem the type to follow the line,
went from cheery vagabondage to cold blooded luxury in four years.
no lick spittle or pickthack from sycophant claw back flunky.

oh, i want to lay by your side,
oh, i will lay down and die if i can’t lay by your side.

weaker vessel or better half?
that woman’s tears could be the death of me...oh dear
you know when she’s had a few she’ll be onto you there’s no letting up.

but, i want to lay by your side,
oh, i will lay down and die if i can’t lay by your side.

it may hap that these these are they - the golden years,
so don’t despair don’t dismay dry your tears.
everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

i had a blast off with the cast of a play on the radio,
they were more liberal times;
destined to drone in monotone on your radio,
it’s a little dream of mine.

oh but comments were less than complimentary,
and the deft left hand it followed the right.

i think about my happiest times and one of them,
was sat in bed watching a documentary on murderers,
a bearcat, a memosa and a view of arcady.

oh, i want to lay by your side.
oh, i will lay down and die if I can’t lay by your side.
oh, i want to lay by your side.
oh, i’ll surely lay down and die,
if i can’t lay by your side.
oh, i want to lay by your side,
oh, i’ll surely lay down and die by your side,
oh, i want to lay by your side."

woke from dreams and a book leaned up against my pillow, again. dreams of parallel universes slipped and fallen into one, and a show playing on the telly, a little girl who talked to bears and meercats, with pony-tailed braids chasing after a long-legged boy. so, i wipe my eyes clear and i carry bits of it around with me, as we always do. dreams weaving tunes and declarations, we are changed souls from our subconscious reveries, and from the distorted reflections we see ourselves in.

one more day closer to more golden times.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

if you never try, you'll never know

"i believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales. but i hear it came from my mother and father. once upon a time, they fell in love." ~ august

this is one of the most beautiful films i've ever seen, and one of the most personal. i cried through the entire film, not a moment where i was not so emotionally moved that i did not feel as if my soul was opening up. and it left me changed, hopeful, more alive. i am not sure how to explain it without it seeming ridiculous. it just mattered to me, in ways that i have no words.

Friday, April 18, 2008


"the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

allan k. chalmers

and i am trying not to break

"just a voice inside your head,
whispering all the hope is dead;
all the time you had to prove,
that no one really loves you.

i found you in a reflection,
you didn't want me to see;
i will give you all i have,
just look up, break down,
and believe.

this is a glass parade,
a fragile state,
and i am trying,
not to break.

and the stars are shining,
the moon is right,
and i would kill to be with you,

wish you told me all the truth,
so afraid to face an absolute.
all the fights you had to lose,
all the fear was put upon you.

i found you when you were broken,
too many cracks of deceit,
i will give you all i have,
just look up, break down,
and believe.

this is the feeling, falling,
so much i want to say;
show me the same emotion,
show me what's at stake.

how much can you take,
when you realize your fate?
hold me now as the car lights fade,
and we are dancing in the glass parade."

don't look back no more

"you smoke your cigarettes down to the bone
and since you vowed to back it and you're too proud to sack it
you have to carry on, on your own
you think you had it under control
best foot forward, don't look back no more
break your heart and torment your soul

they sold my name after they stole my shame
sold my name ah yeah
tumbled my game, tumbled their game
tablet sized brains

you smoke your cigarettes down to the bone
best not to mention you're craving attention
love from fame like blood from a stone
too busy to notice that you'd throne
turn to dust, there's no one left to trust
last chance and your mind will go

suppose my name, suppose it came
and they sold my shame yeah...
suppose it came and i tumbled their game
tabloid spy brain

but is it really such a sin though?
it's one and the same "

this song has been mentioned to me about six times in the past week, and somehow i thought it was a familiar one to me. somehow it had passed me by, though i know i've heard it play on shotter's nation. i suppose it was one of those songs that i did not hear until i listened. sometimes i forget to admire the music, to take it in and be blown over by it. suppose sometimes i find myself to close to it, or too intimate with the songs. every so often i step back and listen, like now, and here i am - blown away.

p.s. one more day...

stronger than the walls

"screaming from the window,
screaming bloody murder."

this song is haunting me right now.
no suprise, luce, it really is no surprise.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

to shine a fire upon everyone and no one

"he's stronger than the walls
that you tried to build around him
to dumb
and dumbfound him."

another day closer.
stay strong.

baby come dance with me

"you are lost,
and i'm at home,
and nobody wants to be here alone,
baby, come dance with me."

i had a dream that we were dancing, you and i. but it was years ago, back in the day kind of years ago. you were in a suit, and i was wearing a red dress, the one i used to love so much. somedays i wish we'd known each other then.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

and cannons at dawn

"if you're looking for a cheap sort
set in false anticipation
i'll be waiting in the photo booth
at the underground station
so come away, won't you come away
we can go to
deptford, catford, walford, digbeth, mansfield
anywhere in albion"

stay strong and take care.

and since then i've been so good at vanishing

"first with your hands, then with your mouth
a downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
i was a fool, you were my friend
we made it happen

you took off your clothes, left on the light
you stood there so brave, you used to be shy
each feature improved, each movement refined
and eyes like a showroom

now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
oh that weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
but it's clear and blue as far as i can see

left by the lamp, right next to the bed
on a cartoon cat pad she scratched with a pen
"everything is as it's always been,
this never happened"

"don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
it's just once something dies, you can't make it live
you're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
but i am a woman"

so i laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheet
and i must have looked like a ghost 'cause something frightened me
and since then i've been so good at vanishing

now i do as i please,
and i lie through my teeth
someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
i should probably feel cheap, but i just feel free
and a little bit empty

no it isn't so hard to get close to me
there will be no arguments, we'll always agree
and i'll try and be kind when i ask you to leave
we'll both take it easy

but if you stay too long inside my memory
i will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I'll keep you there so you can't bother me"

thing is, i suppose, i do not want to vanish. because no matter how far you run, or how fast, your heart is still there waiting for you.

Monday, April 14, 2008

no one could ever forget

"it shouldn't hurt me to be free,
it's what i really need,
to pull myself together.
but if it's so good being free,
would you mind telling me,
why i don't know what to do with myself."

Friday, April 11, 2008

the words are just rules and regulations to me

"i'm not afraid of anything,
'cept fear itself."

what the fuck was i thinking

"love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
i'm developing my sense of humor,
till i can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till i can laugh at my face beneath your feet."

fuck it, i'm tired of this black and bleak mood i've been in. i need to reunite with my sense of humor. i need to remember all the things that i love, and how they all remind me why i need to carry on.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

detours and fences

"and if i seem to be confused,
i didn't mean to be with you,
and when you said i scared you,
well, i guess you scared me, too."

feeling unspeakably sad today. so much pain seems to be touching people i care about this year. so much. too much. and the mood i am in today, well this song doesn't really say it, but in some ways it does. tell someone you love them, that you forgive them, that they matter to you because if this year has taught me anything it is that life is too short to not say what you feel. another death today in someone i love's life. enough now. 2008, stop it or you can just fuck right off.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

i don't know how to see the same things different now

"diving through the dark,
while the night turns blue.
are you aware of your intentions?
because i wear my intentions so clear.

if you see me wading through water,
come drown in the river right in front of the world.
you can wash your face and hands in the stream of my anger.
it's as bright as white paper
and as dark as a girl.

i don't want to feel so different,
but i don't want to be insignificant,
and i don't know how to see the same things different now."

Monday, April 7, 2008

a common trope

because i do not only quote "famous" words, and because this rang true to me today:

"I simply don’t know if I believe in the idea that if you come across the right person, and then all of the bullshit melts away and there is complete honesty and no games and this pure, untouched sense that you are meant to be together. This seems like something people say to justify laziness when it comes to others and to connections in general. They say, I’ve had to work, she’s not right…or he frustrates me, must not be worth it. But isn’t this an incredibly narrow way to look at people as possibilities? Like anything else worth its salt, some amount of energy must be involved if we are to get involved in the first place. Again, a common trope, but one worth stating. I think that no matter how slight it is, there is always a period of nightwatching, evaluation, overcoming. I can’t blame anyone for slipping into something comfortable. It’s stopping to catch your breath, like fitting pegs into their correct holes. Seamless sounds nice. I just don’t expect it to be that easy for me. I expect to have to make sacrifices, and work around schedules, and make choices. Taking independent thought and moving towards a double-consciousness is probably never seamless."

Sunday, April 6, 2008

this dizzy life

"i got a pair of wings for my birthday, baby,
and i will fall down through the sun to see you mine.
this dizzy life of mine,
keeps hanging me up all the time;
this dizzy life is just a hanging tree."

i think today i'd rather be spun around in circles, hands thrown wildly in the air, then spend all this time indoors crunching numbers. i feel like being five today.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

hey moon, please forget to fall down

"if all our life is but a dream,
fantastic posing greed,
then we should feed our jewelry to the sea;
for diamonds do appear to be,
just like broken glass to me.

and then she said she can't believe,
genius only comes along,
in storms of fabled foreign tongues;
tripping eyes,
and flooded lungs.
northern downpour sends its love.

hey moon, please forget to fall down;
hey moon, don't you go down.

sugarcane in the easy mornin',
my one and lonely.

the ink is running toward the page,
it's chasin' off the days;
look back at boat feet,
and that winding knee.
i missed your skin when you were east,
you clicked your heels,
and wished for me.

through playful lips made of yearn,
that fragile capricorn,
unraveled words like moths upon old scarves;
i know the world's a broken bone,
but melt your headaches,
call it home.

hey moon, please forget to fall down,
hey moon, don't you go down."

reading david copperfield with coffee in my hand, and you tell me that i shouldn't drink so late. i remind you that it's early, that it is nearly morning, and turn the page. but the moon is still hanging, dangling, keeping the night company.

just one more page then i'll let my eyes close.

(damn it darling, when did my taste in music let in a few emo notes?
but the lyrics, isn't it always the lyrics with me?)

Friday, April 4, 2008

i love you madly

"baby, i love you, and all i want, you to do
is just, hold me, please
hold me, squeeze
hold me, hold me
you really got a hold on
you really got a hold on
you really got a hold on
you really got a hold on me."

i love zooey and m. ward, the way their voices blend and layer over each other, how torch song fifities vintage they sound. it just makes me sigh. and this song, a favorite of mine for forever, is covered so beautifully. oh yes.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

i'd walk through hell for you

"and i'd stand there,
like a soldier,
with my foot upon his chest,
with my grin spread,
and my arms out,
in my bloodstained sunday's best,
and you'd hold me;
i'd remind you who you are."

far more emo then my taste usually veers, but something about this song just hit me this morning. this used to be a favorite of julia's, though i think her taste has turned a corner away from this style. perhaps it is the way i've always loved re-told fairy tales. the old gothic notions of romance and valor, taken and turned about until it is something relatable to now.

or, maybe i'm just having an emo-day. excuse me while i cut my fringe, long enough to fall into my eyes, tilt my hip, cross my arms around my chest like a hug, and long for you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

don't know where, don't know when

"but i know we'll meet again,
some sunny day."

hearing an album i've heard near a million times on the radio in its entirety probably should not make me so emotional, but then again it was up the bracket, and then this song at the end.

i am not sure what my life would be if i'd never heard it, not sure i want to know.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

calling all writers, artists, et al

keep art alive; art by rich007

For Immediate Release
April 1, 2008

Vagabondage: Traveling about without any clear destination.

Vagabondage Press is pleased to announce that our new online literary magazine, The Battered Suitcase, is now open for submissions.

Vagabondage Press has been established to promote the publication of intelligent, imaginative and experimental fiction. Our goal is to offer an open forum for writers and artists that allows them the freedom to take risks, to offer unusual viewpoints and unique perspectives.

The Battered Suitcase is the flagship publication of Vagabondage Press and is an online literary magazine aimed at new directions in the exploration of art and literature. It is published online on the first calendar day of the month.

We would like to invite you to grab your own suitcase, take to your own road leading off to any and all unnamed destinations, and to capture it. We are interested in the best of your stories and artwork, and are searching for writers and artists who defy expectations and take risks. You're invited to share your stories from the Journey.

Come take a look at what we are all about and feel free to contact us with questions.

Vagabondage Press


you'd surface face first and we'd share thought bubbles

keep art alive; art by kukula

"and true affection floats
true affection sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone
I was out of your league....
and you were twenty thousand underneath the sea
waving affections
You were out of my league
at a distance
that I didn't want to see
wanted you nearer"

early mornings are where my clearest thoughts reside. there is something about the silences, the grace of a sunrisen sky, the lingering kiss of dreams on my skin. in the spirit of that i've been trying to capture some of the clarity, harness some of the creativity, and let myself breathe. this song came on as i passed my favorite bridge, the sun hitting it just so, the cool morning air blowing in through the half-opened window. if i could take a picture that caught the way a moment looks when bliss is hit, if only temporarily, that second would be one of them. so, instead i try to write it out; i replay the song; and i paint it the only way i know how.