looking away

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

“we grew still and stared at each other. it seemed incredibly dangerous to look into each other’s eyes, but we were doing it. for how long can you behold another person? before you have to think of yourself again, like dipping the brush back in for more ink. for a very long time; you didn’t need to get more ink, there was no reason to get anything else, because she was as good as me, she lived on earth like me, she suffered as i did. it was she who looked away and pulled the sheet to her chin.”

no one belongs here more than you ~ miranda july

special thanks to achtung baby for posting this amazing quote

keep art alive: vanilla swingers

the ten questions project: vanilla swingers

*1. what music (or other art form) inspires you when you create your art?

Miles - I'd say this album is informed by a mix of 80s pop (Pet Shop Boys, Talk Talk, The Smiths) and a few key records that make some kind of grand artistic or political statement, like Infected by The The or Don't Stand Me Down by Dexys. Plus there are some unusual song structures and time signatures, like you might find in the music of Blonde Redhead or Radiohead (1997 onwards). Another important influence was the English philosopher, John Gray, whose books I find simultaneously terrifying and empowering.

Anne - Brian Eno, The Fall, David Lynch, JMW Turner, Werner Herzog, Pina Bausch, Bill Viola, Robert Wilson, Seamus Heaney, Robert Wyatt

*2. long distance road trip: what three people do you invite along (fictional or non-fictional, dead or alive)?

Miles - Hope Sandoval, Mama Cass Elliott and my friend Dan, who's a lot of fun and I don't see enough of.

Anne - Brian Eno, Stephen Fry, David Lynch

*3. what is your favorite breakfast cereal?

Miles - Kellogg's Start, the athlete's choice (i.e. loaded with glucose)

Anne - Don’t eat cereal but like fruit and nuts with natural yogurt

*4. what is one thing that is hanging on your bedroom wall?

Miles - a small mirror with a silhouette of a bird on it

Anne - a cobweb

* 5. what smell/scent evokes strong memories for you?

Miles - Sure Pink, a type of deodorant. And tarmac, but best not at the same time.

Anne - Freshly cut grass, reminds me of summer coming, looking out the window in Our Lady’s Grammar School at 14, longing for freedom.

* 6. coffee or tea?

Miles - tea with soya milk

Anne - Depends on my mood, I like a nice coffee at my local Portuguese café but my Mum does the best cup of tea in the world.

* 7. what has been the most impactful compliment, or criticism, you have ever received?

Miles - Any supportive heartfelt comment from someone I don't know.

Anne - In a dance performance once I had a review that said I was 'sturdy', mmmm, went on a crash diet after that!

* 8. three words that describe you?

Miles - considerate, perfectionistic, blessed

Anne - warm, indecisive, capable

* 9. cartoon character crush: who is, or was, yours?

Miles - The comics I read as a kid were all about war - not much love interest there.

Anne - Superman

* 10. the world is ending in ten minutes and you get to listen to one, and only one, song: which song?

Miles - A song by Anne's old band, Florida, called Everything Will Be OK

Anne - It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue – Van Morrison version

***

vanilla swingers can be seen and heard at the following locations: myspace and vanilla swingers ~ time travel, communication, entertainment

i would like to thank vanilla swingers for re-awakening my vision of an alternate reality/time travel story i've been working on - but had been stuck in writer's block over. thank you for the inspiration, and for such lush and gorgeous music.

and, thank you for participating in keep art alive; the ten questions project

go now go and check out more of their music, catch them live if you can, recommend them to a friend, and buy something if you can. keep art alive and show your support.

on the stairs i smoke a cigarette alone

keep art alive; photograph by little jeans

fourth of july (demo) ~ x
fourth of july (album version) ~ x

"what ever happened,
i apologize.
so, dry your tears and baby walk outside,
it's the fourth of july."

my absolute favorite fourth of july song. this song is los angeles to me, it is summer and living on my own for the first time. the memory of climbing on the top of the roof, at that old apartment on truslow avenue, and watching the kids next door shoot off fireworks in the street.

i have written stories with this song playing in my ears. i have written a lyric from this into a poem i wrote. i think i have even imagined john and exene into characters i've created.

i'm not a fan of this day, for a variety of reasons, but i do love this song - and some of my fourth of july memories.

today's the fourth of july

fourth of july ~ aimee mann

"today's the fourth of july,
another june has gone by,
and when they light up our our town i just think,
what a waste of gun powder,
and sky.

i'm certain that i am alone,
in harbouring thoughts of our home;
it's one of my faults that i can't quell my past,
i ought to have gotten it gone.

oh baby, i wonder if when you are older,
someday,
you'll wake up and say,
my god,
i should have told her;
what would it take?

but now here i am and the world's gotten colder,
and she's got the river down which i sold her.

so that's today's memory lane,
with all the pathos and pain;
another chapter in a book where the chapters are endless,
and they're always the same;
a verse,
then a verse,
and refrain.

oh baby, i wonder if when you are older,
someday,
you'll wake up and say,
my god,
i should have told her;
what would it take?

but now here i am and the world's gotten colder,
and she's got the river down which i sold her."

somebody told him he's good for nothing

murray (live, with atlantic city cover) ~ pete yorn

"and we both know,
that people change,
when truth’s not part of their lives;
i’ve seen the love in their eyes,
don’t say goodbye,
goodbye."

the saddest thing i have ever seen is defeated eyes. the most tragic words i have ever heard are "what if". there is nothing left but regret when you give up a dream without ever giving it a chance. if nothing else, i hope i teach my children that. take a deep breath, hold your head high, swallow your fear, and try. and remember, that failing and falling on one's backside does not have to mean you have given up.

i am reminded of ally sheedy's quote from the breakfast club, when she says "when you grow up your heart dies." perhaps i just refuse to completely grow up, or maybe i just refuse to let my heart die. my dreams, they may be fuzzy and full of obstacles, and some days i wake up with so much disillusionment that i feel they will never be, but i try - fucking hell i try - to keep a hold of my heart, my dreams, my wishes, and all those pieces of who that makes me.

keep art alive; art by melanie moore

"i have a theory that every time you make an important choice, the part of you left behind continues the other life you could have had. some people's emanations are very strong, some people create themselves afresh outside of their own body. this is not fancy. if a potter has an idea, she makes it into a pot, and it exists beyond her, beyond its own separate life. she uses a physical substance to display her thoughts. if i use a metaphysical substance to display my thoughts, i might be anywhere at one time, influencing a number of different things, just as the potter and her pottery can exert influence in different places. there's a chance that i'm not here at all, that all the parts of me, running along all the choices i did and didn't make, for a moment brush against each other."

oranges are not the only fruit ~ jeanette winterson

and it bruised me with light

well whiskey ~ bright eyes

i get my whiskey from a well
except on holidays when it's the top shelf
but tonight i don't mind if i spend a little more
'cause you're a tolerant woman and the world is at war

i know you witnessed my decline
you used to push back the darkness like a flood light
but tonight that's a secret like the soul of a whore
but if you want to have fun you'll just have to ignore

now i let my troubles solve themselves
i used to get involved but i'm just no help
but tonight let's pretend that we're just like we were
let me stay 'til the morning i will sleep on the floor

and we can talk in circles no dollar figures
just what is owed or paid
and we can make predictions i know you see the future
and i agree
and we agree
tonight's not happening

when i got dry as a desert i got mean
i was as lonely and empty as a canteen
with no anesthetic you're bound to be sore
but tonight i am drinkin' all peaceful and warm

and just when i got fed up with that grey sky
the sun came out of no where like a bar fight
and it knocked out the wind and it bruised me with light
and i felt grateful for living just like i feel tonight

but i know you feel safer in a group
where you could be anyone or they could be you
but tonight we'll take risks that you can afford
you still have bars on your windows and a hole in your door

we can talk in circles around a dirty mirror
night trickles down our throats
and we can make the timeline to last our whole lives
we don't know
but no one knows
what's further up the road

just wait and see
just wait and see
all in time
all in time

but they smiled just the same

we spotted the ocean
at the head of the trail
where are we goin'
so far away

and somebody told me
that this is the place
where everything's better
and everything's safe

walk on the ocean
step on the stones
flesh becomes water
wood becomes bone

half an hour later
we packed up our things
we said we'd send letters
and all of those little things

and they knew we were lyin'
but they smiled just the same
it seemed they'd already
forgotten we came

walk on the ocean
step on the stones
flesh becomes water
wood becomes bone

walk on the ocean
step on the stones
flesh becomes water
wood becomes bone

back at the homestead
where the air makes you choke
and people don't know you
and trust is a joke

we don't even have pictures
just memories to hold
cause sweeten each season
we slowly grow old

sea-girls

"we have lingered in the chambers of the sea,
by sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown,
till human voices wake us,
and we drown."

the love song of j. alfred prufrock ~ t.s. eliot

oh sailor why'd you do it?

"i'm undecided about you again,
mightn't be right that you're not here;
it's double sided 'cause i ruined it all,
but also saved myself,
by never believing you dear."

today i woke up with an unfamiliar sense of peace falling around me. it felt as something akin to a aura-laced blanket wrapping around my shoulders, soothing my sad and recently weary heart. i took a deep breath and let the blanket fall, looked into the mirror and squinted to see a glimpse of hope that this month just may be what i need to shed this oppressive case of the blues.

i think i am deciding to let things go that are not working, and to re-embrace the things i love that i've let go of along the way (especially over the last month). i am done with limbo and waiting, as it seems to have been a somewhat self-inflicted state of mind that i've gotten myself into, time and time again. instead i want forward movement and more personal fulfillment, all that dreams/wishes realized kind of thing.

i am throwing my last held out hopes on things and people who only continue to hurt me into the sea. they can be sailors and pirates and captains of their own ships, but my ocean needs to be filled with other things for now. suppose it could be part of my personal breakdown, or part of the recovery (and shedding) of said breakdown; or this could be all part and parcel to just wanting to start over.

i know i want to be happy, and i know that we make choices everyday that define what happy is for ourselves. so, happy july 1st, i am reclaiming this as the start of my summer of turning this damn mood around.