oh sailor why'd you do it?

"i'm undecided about you again,
mightn't be right that you're not here;
it's double sided 'cause i ruined it all,
but also saved myself,
by never believing you dear."

today i woke up with an unfamiliar sense of peace falling around me. it felt as something akin to a aura-laced blanket wrapping around my shoulders, soothing my sad and recently weary heart. i took a deep breath and let the blanket fall, looked into the mirror and squinted to see a glimpse of hope that this month just may be what i need to shed this oppressive case of the blues.

i think i am deciding to let things go that are not working, and to re-embrace the things i love that i've let go of along the way (especially over the last month). i am done with limbo and waiting, as it seems to have been a somewhat self-inflicted state of mind that i've gotten myself into, time and time again. instead i want forward movement and more personal fulfillment, all that dreams/wishes realized kind of thing.

i am throwing my last held out hopes on things and people who only continue to hurt me into the sea. they can be sailors and pirates and captains of their own ships, but my ocean needs to be filled with other things for now. suppose it could be part of my personal breakdown, or part of the recovery (and shedding) of said breakdown; or this could be all part and parcel to just wanting to start over.

i know i want to be happy, and i know that we make choices everyday that define what happy is for ourselves. so, happy july 1st, i am reclaiming this as the start of my summer of turning this damn mood around.

i don't know what to believe in

never is a promise ~ fiona apple

"you'll never see the courage i know,
it's colors richness won't appear within your view.
i'll never glow - the way that you glow,
your presence dominates the judgements made on you.

but, as the scenery grows, i see in different lights,
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
my feelings swell and stretch; i see from greater heights,
i understand what i am still too proud to mention - to you.

you'll say you understand, but you don't understand,
you'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye,
but never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.

you'll never touch - these things that i hold,
the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own.
you'll never feel the heat of this soul,
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown - to you.

you'll say, don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems.
you'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high.
but, never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.

you'll never live the life that i live,
i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night.
you'll never hear the message i give,
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight.

but, as the scenery grows, i see in different lights,
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
my feelings swell and stretch, i see from greater heights,
i realize what i am now too smart to mention - to you.

you'll say you understand, you'll never understand,
i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why.
i don't know what to believe in, you don't know who i am,
you'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry.

but, never is a promise,
and i'll never need a lie."