they taught you how to feel

keep art alive; art by kelly haigh

i feel a bit rough around the edges. as if there are parts of me that have just been cut out. molded. shaped. but with scissors that are just a bit warped. a little bend to the left. and now i just hang a little crooked. nothing seems to fit around me. i am more comfortable naked and wrapped in a blanket. i feel that too much of me is opening up to the world. i'm not ready for all the scrutiny. but yet, i'm still running around with no clothes on.

i used to feel so alive with you. i used to feel so okay to be one of your conquests. i didn't count on caring this much. i didn't anicipate getting so cold. you are used to me now. i don't think i can hang you on my sleeve anymore. my heart is full of holes and you pour out of it a little bit each day. leaking out of me in tears and shouts. i don't want to sponge you off the ground and bathe in it any longer. i want to bleed until i'm dry. i want the desert inside of me. i want to feel sand cut my throat and burn my eyes. i need to feel nothing.

today i lined up fifty masks. i named them all. gave them days of the week. but sometimes the choices overwhelm me. i don't know how to fit inside of them anymore. i forget which one you prefer. what do i wear when i'm alone? which one allows me to wear the red dress and the fuck-me heels? is this the one for the big promotion? the two drink minimum? i feel lost. i feel faceless. raw. exposed.

i carry too many titles. i've had them in me for the all of my life. i was a mother before i could even conceive. a lover before i knew what love was. a child for only a breath of time. it is hard to balance being a woman and being me. i sit here. look in the mirror. shout out my names. make faces. i spit at the images. i laught until i cry. i'm singing now. rocking back and forth. angel. devil. innocent one. slut. liar. saint. mother. daughter. sister. friend. lover. hater. manipulator. truster. betrayer. employee. negotiator. loser. succeeder. geek. tormentor. woman. girl. bitch. educator. student. confused. conflicted. strong. weak. dead. alive.

i run up the stairs now. jumping two at a time. i can't wait to reach the top. i'm naked still. unabashedly so. running the water in the bath. diving in. drowning in my own juices. all that i am. drinking in the dirt and decay. wiping all the days mistakes off. i watch them spin down the drain. i feel new now. ready to face the day. maybe i will wear the happy mask. the one with the big, bright smile. the one meant for first days of school. for auditions. for parent-teacher conferences. first dates. anniversaries. for my mother. for you.
(written by me)

avalanche ~ ryan adams