throw a circle round a man with broken bones

i never wanted to love you, but that's okay
i always knew that you'd leave me anyway
but darling when i see you, you see me

i asked the boys if they'd let me go out and play
they always said that you'd hurt me anyway
but darling when i see you, i see me

and it's alright
i never thought i'd fall in love again
it's alright
i look to you as my only friend
it's alright
i never thought that i could feel there's something
rising, rising in my veins
looks like it's happened again

i never thought that you wanted for me to stay
so i left you with the girls that came your way
and darling when i see you i see me

i often thought that you'd be better off left alone
well throw a circle round a man with broken bones
but darling when i see you, i see me

it's alright
i never thought i'd fall in love again
it's alright
i look to you as my only friend
it's alright
i never thought that i could feel there's something
rising, rising in my veins
looks like it's happened again

you always looked like you had something else on your mind
when i try to tell you, you tell me "nevermind"
but darling when i see you, you see me

i wanna tell you that i never loved anyone else
you wanna tell me that you're better off by yourself
but darling when i see you, you see me

oooh, oo-oo-oooh...
this is not what i'm like, this is not what i do
this is not what i'm like, i think i'm falling for you

this is not what i'm like, this is not what I do
this is not what i'm like, i think i'm falling for you

i never thought
this is not what i'm like, this is not what i do
i never thought
this is not what i'm like, i think i'm falling for you

i never thought that i could feel there's something
rising, rising in my veins
and it looks like i feel there's something
rising, rising in my veins
looks like it's happened again

sometimes change is everything

"and sometimes...oh sometimes change is good."

this just made my sunday morning.

and you wanted to dance, so i asked you to dance

you saw me standing by the wall, corner of a main street
and the lights are flashing on your window sill
all alone aint much fun so youre looking for the thrill
and you know just what it takes and where to go.

dont save a prayer for me now.
save it til the morning after
no dont say a prayer for me now.
save it til the morning after

feel the breeze deep on the inside look down into the well
if you can youll see the world in all his fire
take a chance (like all dreamers cant find another way.)
you dont have to dream it all, just live a day.

save it til the morning after
save it til the morning after
save it til the morning after....

pretty looking road i try to hold the rising floods that fill my skin
dont ask me why i'll keep my promise i'll melt the ice
and you wanted to dance, so i asked you to dance
but fear is in your soul,
some people call it a one night stand, but we can call it paradise

save it til the morning after
save it til the morning after
save it til the morning after
save it til the morning after
do do do do do, do do do do do do do do

save a prayer til the morning after...
save a prayer til the morning after...
save a prayer til the morning after,
save a prayer til the morning after...

it takes an awful lot to make me like something by a gallagher, so consider yourself an exception

slide away, and give it all you've got
my today, fell in from the top
i dream of you, and all the things you say
i wonder where you are now?

hold me down, all the world's asleep
i need you now, you knock me off my feet,
i dream of you, and the thought of growing old
but you said please don't...

slide in baby, together we'll fly
i've tried praying, but i don't know what you're saying to me

now that you're mine
we'll find a way
of chasing the sun
let me be the one, that shines with you
cos in the morning, i don't know what to do
we're two of a kind
we'll find a way
to do what we've done
let me be the one, that shines with you
and we can slide away, slide away, slide away, away...

slide away, and give it all you've got
my today, fell in from the top
i dream of you, and all the things you say
i wonder where you are now?

slide in baby, together we'll fly
i've tried praying, and i know just what you're saying to me

now that you're mine
we'll find a way
of chasing the sun
let me be the one that shines with you
in the morning when you don't know what to do
two of a kind
we'll find a way
to do what we've done
oh, let me be the one
that shines with you, and we can slide away...

slide away, slide away, slide away, slide away
(and i wanna try now, i wanna make you mine now)

I don't know, I don't care, all I know is you can take me there x 5
(Slide away...)
Take me there

i'm willing to be wrong

keep art alive; art by sanithna phansavanh

"now your giving up the ghost

to the one who meant the most

and one day when she least expects she’ll know

and the words you never spoke

and the tune you never wrote

won’t write itself or wait for evermore

i’m moving off,
i’m packing up
i’m willing to be wrong…"

i suppose that it is due to once that i am discovering the frames, although i think it goes far beyond the film in the way that i am falling for this band. i love when you discover something new and you hear a song for the first time; a song that just blows you out of the water, and steals your breath right from you. it is like those first months of falling in love with someone, and all that heightened passion and heart-patter urgency.

love and music, they are what make it all worth it. i love my breath stolen, my heart pounding, and being full-on intoxicated with song.

locusts ~ the frames

if i had to do the same again, i would my friend

there was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, fernando.

thanks for the song, E.

maybe i'm learning

i could feel at the time
there was no way of knowing
fallen leaves in the night
who can say where they´re blowing
as free as the wind
and hopefully learning
why the sea on the tide
has no way of turning

more than this - there is nothing
more than this - tell me one thing
more than this - there is nothing

it was fun for a while
there was no way of knowing
like dream in the night
who can say where we´re going
no care in the world
maybe i´m learning
why the sea on the tide
has no way of turning

more than this - there is nothing
more than this - tell me one thing
more than this - there is nothing

i'm in love with illusion so saw me in half

this is no great illusion
when i'm with you i'm looking for a ghost
or invisible reasons
to fall out of love and run screaming from our home

because we live in a house of mirrors
we see our fears and everything
our songs, faces, and second hand clothes
but more and more we're suffering
not nobody, not a thousand beers
will keep us from feeling so all alone

but you are what you love
and not what loves you back
that's why i'm here on your doorstep
pleading for you to take me back

the phone is a fine invention
it allows me to talk endlessly to you
about nothing disguising my intentions
which i'm afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue

it's a sleight of hand, a white soul band
the heart attacks i'm convinced i have
every morning upon waking
to you i'm a symbol or a monument
your rite of passage to fufillment
but i'm not yours for the taking

but you are what you love
and not what loves you back
so i guess that's why you keep calling me back

i'm fraudulent, a thief at best
a coward who paints a bullshit canvas
things that will never happen to me
but at arms length, it's tim who said
i'm good at it, i've mastered it
avoiding, avoiding everything

but you are what you love, tim
and not what loves you back
and i'm in love with illusions
so saw me in half
i'm in love with tricks
so pull another rabbit out of your hat

keep writing

"the more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

bob harris, lost in translation

so if you have something to say

scratching at the surface now
and i'm trying hard to work it out
and so much has gone misunderstood
this mystery only leads to doubt
and i'm looking for a sign
in this dark uneasy time

so if you have something to say
say it to me now

and i'm not trying to pass the buck
i'm just trying to get a better look
and i'm wondering how it feels for you
now that the shoe is on the other foot
and i didn't understand
when you reached down to take my hand

and if you have something to say
you'd better say it now

cause this is what you've waited for
a chance to even up the score
and as these shadows fall on me now
i will somehow

cause i'm clearing up this wreckage lord
and there's more than you've ever seen before

so if you have something to say
say it to me now

suppose i should learn to wise up

it’s not
what you thought
when you first began it
you got
what you want
now you can hardly stand it though,
by now you know
it’s not going to stop
it’s not going to stop
it’s not going to stop
‘til you wise up

just one of those nights when you remember how it feels to really hurt again.

yeah, just one of those nights.

you don't really love that guy you make it with, now do you?

from the start i possessed dual superpowers: invisibility and storytelling. you think a child cannot be born into this world with such nonesense as powers? perhaps. maybe this is the way i viewed things through my own complex kaleidoscope lens; or perhaps my very own version of survival. but, these were the things that screamed just underneath my skin. it gave me an internal instinct, though, and a strength that i could not see anyone around me possess. it made me heartbroken, as well.

but, if you read the stories carefully, and pay close attention, aren't all superheroes tragic figures?

open 'til midnight

empire records soundtrack

love is all we need

king for a day ~ thompson twins

"diamond rings

and all those things

they never sparkle like your smile

and as for fame

it’s just a name

that only satisfies you for a while."

this is cooling faster than i can

so then love walked up to like
and said i know that you dont like me much
let's go for a ride

this ocean is wrapped around that pineapple tree
and is your place in heaven
worth giving up these kisses
these, these kisses

cooling, tori amos

'cause i'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes

i was talking, not two days ago
to a certain bartender i'm lucky to know
and i asked Henry, my bartending friend
if i should bother dating unfamous men

and henry said,
"you're lucky to even know me,
you're lucky to be alive.
you're lucky to be drinking here for free,
'cause i'm a sucker for your lucky, pretty eyes."

and then he said,
"do you wanna be a polyester bride?
or do you want to hang your head and die?
do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?"

and i was sitting, not two days ago
feeling lonely, 'cause i'm just feeling low
and i asked henry, my bartending friend
why it is that there are those kind of men

and henry said,
"you're lucky to even know me,
you're lucky to be alive.
you're lucky to be drinking here for free,
'cause i'm a sucker for your lucky, pretty eyes."

and then he said,
"do you wanna be a polyester bride?
or do you want to hang your head and die?
do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?"

"princess, do you really want to flap your wings and fly?
because you've got time."
he keeps telling me, "you've got time."
but i don't believe him
"you've got time."

i keep on pushing harder
i keep on pushing farther away
but he keeps telling me, "baby",
he says, "baby, yeah

do you want to be a polyester bride?
or do you want to hang your head and die?
do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?"

"do you want to be a polyester bride?"
(away from here)
"do you want to be a polyester bride?"
(away from here)
"do you want to be a polyester bride?"
"princess, do you really want to flap your wings and fly away from here?"

my sweetest downfall

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
i have to go, i have to go
your hair was long when we first met

samson went back to bed
not much hair left on his head
he ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
and history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
and the bible didn't mention us, not even once

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
but they're just old light, they're just old light
your hair was long when we first met

samson came to my bed
told me that my hair was red
told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
oh i cut his hair myself one night
a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
and he told me that i'd done alright
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
and he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

samson went back to bed
not much hair left on his head
ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
and history books forgot about us
and the bible didn't mention us, not even once

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first

will you take me as i am?

(lyrics)
sitting in a park in paris, france
reading the news and it sure looks bad
they won't give peace a chance
that was just a dream some of us had
still a lot of lands to see
but i wouldn't want to stay here
it's too old and cold and settled in its ways here
oh, but california
california i'm coming home
i'm going to see the folks i dig
i'll even kiss a sunset pig
california i'm coming home

i met a redneck on a grecian isle
who did the goat dance very well
he gave me back my smile
but he kept my camera to sell
oh the rogue, the red red rogue
he cooked good omelettes and stews
and i might have stayed on with him there
but my heart cried out for you, california
oh california i'm coming home
oh make me feel good rock'n roll band
i'm your biggest fan
california, i'm coming home

oh it gets so lonely
when you're walking
and the streets are full of strangers
all the news of home you read
just gives you the blues
just gives you the blues

so i bought me a ticket
i caught a plane to spain
went to a party down a red dirt road
there were lots of pretty people there
reading rolling stone, reading vogue
they said, "how long can you hang around?"
i said "a week, maybe two,
just until my skin turns brown
then i'm going home to california"
california i'm coming home
oh will you take me as i am
strung out on another man
california i'm coming home

oh it gets so lonely
when you're walking
and the streets are full of strangers
all the news of home you read
more about the war
and the bloody changes
oh will you take me as i am?
will you take me as i am?
will you?

***

but somedays we were still silent, bitter, drifting through rooms like shadows. ghosts. i was always wanting to scream out and say something, tell someone. instead i just sat and took it all in, the good and the band, and all that damn indifference. in my alone times i could mimic all of them. take on their voices, their sounds. they never knew how well i memorized their features, and took all the implied thoughts to heart. i discovered the world of magazines, of false pretenses, of fragility; glossy pictures that seemed so unreal, so perfect. i wanted to achieve that, somehow. i would sit, cross-legged, in the back of my closet. a light green flashlight in hand to help cast all those california-ized impressions. all i had to do was pretent.

my name is lucille and i know how you feel

pavlov's daughter ~ regina spektor

"i live downstairs

i hear you taking out your garbage

i hear you loving your girlfriend

i hear you loving yourself too

i hear you turning your thoughts off

i turn mine off too

the only thing i hear is you."

someone should write a fuckin' book, that's for sure.

saturday night we watched the film zodiac which i thought was fantastic. i'd heard mixed reviews on it, and remember my brother being disappointed after seeing it on opening night.

i loved it, though.

perhaps it is my interest in the serial killer psyche, or in long process criminal investigations. or perhaps it is the mystery, the puzzles, and the unknown.

this film is about obsession, which is also something of interest to me, and about how something can consume a person's life completely.

i think, more than anything, it is about human behavior and reaction, something that the director david fincher (se7en, fight club, panic room) is quite an expert at portraying.

jules and i both really loved it, and ended up talking for quite some time about serial killers and criminal investigations; both of us agreeing that it would be near impossible to deal with a case such as the zodiac killer and maintain any normal life. how could you? would you not just lie awake in bed going over the details and possibilities, over and over again?

this film has such a stellar cast, with so many cameos that after awhile i felt like if i blinked i might miss another keen actor's amazing performance.

also, it always makes me happy to see robert downey, jr. acting, growing as an actor, and just being alive and among us still. it does my heart good and keeps my belief going that anyone can overcome addiction if they want it bad enough. i was always rooting for him to recover, and not be lost like so many other talented artists.

i just read an article that likened the zodiac case to an american jack the ripper, and how there are calls almost daily with people's theories on the murders. i think i would like to read the book now, as well.

zodiac

bilo said to blue eyes...

suppose i should not already have the album, but i will buy it when it comes out. and, i know most people might dismiss my view on it because of who i am, so be it. that said, the album is fucking incredible. good on you, peter.

lucy loves it.

unbilotitled ~ babyshambles

he is stronger than the walls

that you tried to build around him

to dumb or dumbfound him

for 2000 years i waited for your call

screaming from the window

screaming bloody murder

the more that you follow me

the more I get lost

you think that you know me

you're pissing me off

yeah, you said that you love me

oh, why don't you fuck off?

you think that you own me

you're ripping me off

i messed my head, i messed my head

how happy would I be

just to shine fire upon,

oh everyone and no one

messed my head

and I messed my head

how happy would I be

to shine a fire upon, oh everyone and no one

wolfman and bilo, on the run

wolfman said to bilo, "i'm calling it on"

bilo said to blue eyes "put your trousers back on"

he is stronger than the walls

that you tried to build around him

to dumb and dumbfound him

for 2000 years i waited for your call

screaming from the windows

screaming bloody murder

i only hope that i won't disappoint you

(lyrics)
it doesn’t mean much
it doesn’t mean anything at all
the life i’ve left behind me
is a cold room
i’ve crossed the last line
from where i can’t return
where every step i took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that i have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am i already that gone
i only hope
that i won’t disappoint you
when i’m down here
on my knees

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that i have to give
sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that i have to give

and i don’t understand
by the touch of your hand
i would be the one to fall
i miss the little things
i miss everything (about you)

it doesn’t mean much
it doesn’t mean anything at all
the life i left behind me
is a cold room

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that i have to give

like sisters

(lyrics)
and through the life force and there goes her friend
on her nishiki
it's out of time
and through the portal they can make amends

hey would you say whatever
we're blanket friends
can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way

and through the walls they made their mudpies
I've got your mind i said
she said i've your voice
i said you don't need my voice, girl
you have your own
but you never thought it was enough of

so they went years and years
like sisters blanket girls
always there through that and this
there's nothing we cannot ever fix, i said

can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way

bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls
brothers and lovers she and i were
now she seems to be sand under his shoes
there's nothing i can do

can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way

and now i speak to you
are you in there
you have her face and her eyes
but you are not her
and we go at each other like blank ettes
who can't find their thread and their bare

can't stop loving
can't stop what is on its way
and I see it coming
and it's on its way

***

she came next, or not too long after. it tooks months to break-through to me. i was ice. solid. fierce. frozen. she told me once they thought i was ill. always hidden away in the house. pale. ghostly. she brought colour with her. stringy hair. skinned knees. fearless. i wanted to circle around her. breathe her in. take some of that strength into me. i did. we weaved our worlds together. slowly. naturally. these were the roots of the longest bond. so many things to come. life. death. shards of innocence thrown into the sky. our hands always reaching in.

i miss her. how can i not? she was part of the history of me. and i, to her. childhood bonds that lasted through so many somethings. and we drifted together. in and out of disrepair. we've seen each other at our best, our worst. and their are secrets she holds of mine, deep beneath her skin. i left them with her, even as a child. and no one knows the real life we led before, except us. silences we shared, without having to explain. i know she has let me down. left me when i felt i was changing. and she is changing. and here we are mothers. and nearly sisters, and yet everything has been severed. we always said we'd keep connected. i'm not even sure what broke the chain, all i know is this kind of pain is different than any i have felt before.

almost lovers always do

your fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind
images

you sang me spanish lullabies
the sweetest sadness in your eyes
clever trick

well, i never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?

so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

we walked along a crowded street
you took my hand and danced with me
images

and when you left, you kissed my lips
you told me you would never, ever forget
these images

well, i'd never want to see you unhappy
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?

so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should've known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do

i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot drive the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind

so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i bet you are just fine

did i make it that
easy to walk right in and out
of my life?

goodbye, my almost lover
goodbye, my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?

so long, my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should've known you'd bring me heartache

almost lovers always do

turning into dust

still falling
breathless and on again
inside today
beside me today
around broken in two
‘till you eyes shed
into dust
like two strangers
turning into dust
‘till my hand shook with the way I fear

i could possibly be fading
or have something more to gain
i could feel myself growing colder
i could feel myself under your fate
under your fate

it was you breathless and tall
i could feel my eyes turning into dust
and two strangers turning into dust
turning into dust

as i stepped forth into the world of winding hallways, locker combinations and places to fit – and not fit, i tried to break from my existance.
step forward.
change.
i had all these images of what adolescence should feel like.
taped together from television shows, magazines, books.
i wanted to leave behind my cloak and dagger silences.
throw out my superhero ears and eyes. be something worth being.
but you cannot escape yourself so easily.
skin holds tightly onto your wavering body.
your image.
that cracked mirror that sits in the corner of your soul. breaking up the girl.
smash.

no one really saw through my stapled shut mouth.
i stumbled over words.
clothing.
style.
always trying just too hard.
contrived.
the jangled up strewns of who i really was showing through the cracks.

only the other shadows took me in. other missing pieces in the puzzle of high school.

so i dove into my escapes.
music took front row center.
i memorized lyrics obsessively.
finding my reckoning in the repeating lines.

and i wrote.
mismatched and candy-coated goo like romances.
things i wanted to be living. breathing.
sick little twists of mind.
mine.

lost myself even deeper still.
beyond.

sound of their breath fades with the light

(lyrics)
sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
sound of their breath fades with the light
i think about the loveless fascination
under the milky way tonight

lower the curtain down on memphis
lower the curtain down all right
i got no time for private consultation
under the milky way tonight

wish i knew what you were looking for
might have known what you would find
wish i knew what you were looking for
might have known what you would find

and it's something quite peculiar
something shimmering and white
leads you here despite your destination
under the milky way tonight

wish i knew what you were looking for
might have known what you would find
wish i knew what you were looking for
might have known what you would find

under the milky way tonight..
under the milky way tonight...

***

grades were my glue that held my pieces together, but they began to taste stale. they were ever too easy to come by, and not much of a prize to bring home (not that i ever wanted to bring anything, or anyone, home) so, i hovered over your spirit. i caught it in breaths and syllables when we met in hallways, and under bleachers. i was drunk on you. you let me in through a side door, showed me glimpses, all those kaleidoscope images you reflected off, and onto me. i was safe to be around. i demanded nothing from you. you in your green sweater, with your ever too dark eyes. i wrote a million miracles of you in my head, of us, as i walked across the bridge, and down the hill towards home. i was holding you inside of all those mixed tape songs.

time won't give me time

the hardest part of losing someone and learning to let go are the little reminders, and the habits you have to break. the fact that i still hear things, see things, experience things that i want to share with you and i cannot anymore. that the phone calls i used to make on my way home from work are no more. the fact that as hurt and angry as i am, and how much iknow that in many ways this is for the best, i still miss you. and, all those memories, i am not sure what to do with them. time, they always say in time it will be easier, and i say the same thing to people i love. so, i will give myself time, and i know it will get easier. today, though, not so easy.

i'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye

"the whole thing would fracture, two universes would collapse."

rose and the doctor, doctor who

what might have happened

"think of this as time travel."

jesse, before sunrise

but i never know if it's real

keep art alive; art by kelly haigh

"we are walking down the street, holding hands. there’s a playground at the end of the block and i run to the swings and climb on, and henry takes the one next to me, facing the opposite direction, and we swing higher and higher, passing each other, sometimes in synch and sometimes streaming past each other so fast it seem likes we’re going to collide, and we laugh, and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar our perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment.”

the time traveler’s wife ~ audrey niffenegger

untitled ~ the cure

please don't let me hit the ground

heaven, a gateway, a hope
just like the feeling inside,
it's no joke
and though it hurts me to treat you this way
betrayed my words, i'd never heard, too hard to say
up, down, turn around
please don't let me hit the ground
tonight i think i'll walk alone
i'll find my soul as i go home

each way i turn, i know i'll always try
to break this circle that's been placed around me
from time to time, i find i've lost some need
that was urgent to myself, i do believe
up, down, turn around
please don't let me hit the ground
tonight i think i'll walk alone
i'll find my soul as i go home

oh, you've got green eyes
oh, you've got blue eyes
oh, you've got grey eyes
and i've never seen anyone quite like you before
no, i've never met anyone quite like you before
bolts from above hit the people down below
people in this world, we have no place to go
oh, it's the last time
oh, i've never met anyone quite like you before
oh no, i've never met anyone quite like you before

***

it was the year before the last real school year. the year he left. no more outside scars; i just won't mention the one's inside, those you have to learn to live with. god and i had come to an understanding, it was time to not believe. and the fake walls around me, they just went too far. i found enough of a voice to say no more - to so many things. and then change, change, change. those first few days the silence wrapped around my mouth. like band-aids. motionlessness. but i ripped them all off, and left myself bleeding and raw. and, i spoke up. more and more with every passing day.

in the shape of a girl

(lyrics)
i'm a fountain of blood
in the shape of a girl
you're the bird on the brim
hypnotised by the whirl

drink me, make me feel real
wet your beak in the stream
game we're playing is life
love is a two way dream

leave me now, return tonight
tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale
trapped in a bay

i'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
i'm your one way street

i'm a whisper in water
secret for you to hear
you are the one who grows distant
when i beckon you near

leave me now, return tonight
the tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale
trapped in a bay

i'm a tree that grows hearts
one for each that you take
you're the intruder hand
i'm the branch that you break
hum-yeah!

***

my voice sounded like a strangers. strong. echoing. i left my cape in the back stairs dumpster. linked arms with the two of them. we lit our little elements afire. rubbing our collective sticks together. jumping atop the bleachers. hiding in the alcoves of the theatre. and the stage. i leapt from it. screaming. howling. spinning. i had no past in these walkways. an empty canvas. so i painted myself with glitter and gold. dyed hair. folded scripts. us. i was still me, underneath the costumes and paint. but me was evolving. singing along. a little girl so less afraid.

heaven knows what happens now

pretty in pink (1986)

and then...

blane and andi stay together for awhile, and seem to overcome their obstacles until college and family and distance, and growing out of adolescence gets in the way. andi ends up studying fashion design in new york, where she encounters her mother, who has been living there since leaving andi and her father. duckie gets a job at the record store and ends up having an affair with iona. he ends up joining the rave-ups and at a show they do at cbgb's (post closing) he sees andi again, which leads to a romantic relationship between the two of them.

that's the end of the joke

pretty in pink (1986)

you said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. well i believed in you. i just didn't believe in me. i love you... always. ~ blane

the idea: on my way into work yesterday i had this idea for this, and thought it might be keen to give it a try once a week, and hopefully some of you will want to play along. the idea is to take an ending of a movie, and possibly television series (if applicable), and in four sentences or less tell us what you picture happened next. we've all given it thought, i know we have. the credits roll and you wonder, or create, the next ending to the ending, or the next beginning.

so, pretty in pink, the dance and duckie shows up for andie. they walk in and blane is there looking particularly pale and forlorn. he finally gets what steff's issue is about andie, and confronts him on it. then he confronts andie, and confesses his feelings, and walks away. duckie let's her go, encourages her to. and then there is the kiss by the car.

and then...

i know your answer already

"we make these ridiculous idols so we can pray to what's behind them,
but what happens after we get up the ladder?
do we simply stare at what is horrible and forgive it?
here is the river, and here is the box,
and here are the monsters we put in the box to test our strength against."

richard siken, snow and dirty rain

rose tints my world

(lyrics)
it was great when it all began
i was a regular frankie fan
but it was over when he had the plan
to start working on a muscle man
now the only thing that gives me hope
is my love of a certain dope
rose tints my world
keeps me safe from my trouble and pain

i'm just seven hours old
truly beautiful to behold
and somebody should be told
my libido hasn't been controlled
now the only thing i've come to trust
is an orgasmic rush of lust
rose tints my world
and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain

it's beyond me
help me, mommy
i'll be good, you'll see
take this dream away
what this, let's see
i feel sexy
what's come over me?
woo! here it comes again

i feel released
bad times deceased
my confidence has increased
reality is here
the game has been disbanded
my mind has been expanded
it's a gas that frankie's landed
his lust is so sincere

don't dream it

whatever happened to fay wray?
that delicate satin draped frame
as it clung to her thigh, how i started to cry
'cause i wanted to be dressed just the same
give yourself over to absolute pleasure
swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh
erotic nightmares beyond any measure
and sensual daydreams to treasure forever
can't you just see it. whoa ho ho!
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it

don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it
don't dream it, be it

ach! we've got to get out of this trap
before this decadence saps our wills
i've got to be strong and try to hang on
or else my mind, may well snap
and my life will be lived
for the thrills

don't dream it, be it

it's beyond me
help me, mommy

god bless lili st. cyr

***

then the safety net collapsed. ripped. cap and gown. time to go on from here. try to maintain the freedom i felt and carry it with me. change. change. change. how i relished it, despised it, feared it, caressed it. i decided on a path of glitter and escape. i was drunk on it now. applause. masks. denial. wasn't ready to give up, yet. he used to give me a ride in his old mustang. the black and grey hair, old beyond his youth. i wrote lines to say to him the night's before. kept trying on my best impression of a 1950's starlet.

they called one night. an invitation. i would never have been able to guess what it would start. simple black dress. too new of shoes. anticipation. i rode along in a car full of boys, who love boys. singing along. part of me wanted to just be them. my feet hurt, my heart raced. i tried not to look so blown away. wigs. glam. tequila shots. cigarettes. needles on the bathroom floor. i stepped over them. took it all in. spun around. spin. spin. spin. my silences turning into lipstick stains. i was pulled. this was a better disguise than any role i ever attempted to play. or was it just another role i took on, back then?

it is strange and surreal, the re-telling of my life, in these really brief spurts. to notice the things that show themselves, the things that still hide. our recollection, and our personal perceptions, are precarious and intriguing, don't you think?

i never saw your innocence

(lyrics)
i withhold your medicine
but you've still got a connection
they remember everything
in the sky, oblivion

i never knew your innocence
your white skin glistens
you pried my eyes open
i've lost my ambition

i say it's me or drugs
you choose drugs
i say it's me or drugs
you choose drugs

i say it's me or drugs
you choose drugs
i say it's me or drugs
you choose drugs

drugs, drugs.

***

you were the same boy in the green sweater, and me, i was the same girl hiding behind her books and baggy clothing. our eyes gave away our pasts, but we never let on who we'd once been. we were too busy recreating ourselves, painting over our damaged canvases. the paint was cracked. yours, more than mine, at the time. i never realized how much pain you were trying to lose. you emptied needle after needle into your veins, clouding you, caressing you with denial. and we all let it happen, didn't we? we let you slip. i just closed my eyes, and sang my own song.

thoughts: i still remember how he smelled. the gold fleck in his brown eyes, the sound of his laugh, the feel of riding in his red jeep, shotgun, next to him. i can almost feel the way the sunlight shadowed the walls in his room in the early morning. i wish i'd known more of what he was, what he went through. i wish i'd known a way to save him. i miss him, that faded green sweater, and all.

sometimes i breathe you in

no ones picking up the phone
guess its me and me
and this little masochist
she's ready to confess
all the things that i never thought
that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought i wouldnt have to be with you
as something new

sometimes i breathe you in
and i know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if my hearts soaking wet
boy your boots can leave a mess

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought you wouldnt have to keep
with me
hiding

yes

thought i knew myself so well
all the doubts i had
took my leather off the shelf
your apocalypse was fab
for a girl who couldnt choose between
the shower or the bath

and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you
a magazine

no ones picking up the phone
guess its clear hes gone
and this little masochist
is lifting up her dress
guess i thought i could never feel
the things i feel

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend
To run to

Hey jupiter
Nothings been the same
So why you say
Now were trough
I thought we both could use a friend
To run to

because they'll soon know where i live

keep art alive; art by sanithna phansavanh

enough rope

she packed all she could fit in a backpack,
nothing more, nothing less, and ran.
down the stairs, out the door, 'cross the highway,
never looking back.

"hitchiking is suicide",
her last friend from the world had said,
"might as well get a rope and just hang yourself.
get it over with."

over with.
over with.
over with.

well, he wouldn't have to know, wouldn't have to see,
her thumb stuck out,
in defiance,
in reverance,
in some sort of jelly-filled desperation.

"where to?" he said, through yellow-crooked teeth.

where to?
where to?
where to?

she wanted to lose herself in the mountains,
paint tales of wonder on the sides of trees,
crawl down into civilization long enough for a cold glass of coke,
slice of pie, a smile.

she stepped up into the elevated cab,
a slight shiver trailing to the base of her spine, l
aughing to cover fear.

"i guess, just to the next town." she said, in a half whisper,
half gasp.

and the road spread out before them.

before them.
before them.
before them.

he smelled of marlboro reds and coffee,
like her father before he left,
same flannal, too.
she wanted to touch his hand,
for it to be his,
for it not to be some kind of a come-on.

but she was used to this, by now,
how the smell of her skin brought out the animal.
guava. vanilla. and something more.
and they all wanted the more of it,
she opened her mouth wider,
closed her eyes,
thought of blue skies,
buttered popcorn at the main west,
double-features,
the last line of 'blue'.

he dropped her off. crumpled. torn.
the neon blinking no vacancy.

no vacancy.
no vacancy.
no vacancy.

she lifted up her backpack,
spit,
went to the pop machine,
a cold coke,
and kept walking.

the mountains had to be here,
somewhere.
she would make her stellar entrance there,
shed her clothes,
her scent,
lose herself in the green and grub.

"if i had enough rope, i might just hang myself.
here."
(written by me)

me & a gun ~ tori amos

i know you'd rather see me gone, than to see me the way that i am

i am in my ever in love with elliott smith mood tonight.

(lyrics)
i'll fake it through the day
with some help from johnny walker red
send the poison rain down the drain
to put bad thoughts in my head

two tickets torn in half
and a lot of nothing to do
do you miss me, miss misery
like you say you do?

a man in the park
read the lines in my hand
told me i'm strong
hardly ever wrong
i said man you mean

you had plans for both of us
that involved a trip out of town
to a place i've seen in a magazine
that you left lying around

i dont have you with me but
i keep a good attitude
do you miss me, miss misery
like you say you do?

i know you'd rather see me gone
than to see me the way that i am
but i am in the life anyway

next door the tvs flashing
blue frames on the wall
it's a comedy of errors, you see
it's about taking a fall

to vanish into oblivion
is easy to do
and i try to be but you know me
i come back when you want me to

do you miss me miss misery
like you say you do?

but how long will you stay with me, baby?

haven't laughed this hard in a long time
i better stop now before i start crying
go off to sleep in the sunshine
i don't want to see the day when it's dying

she's a sight to see
she's good to me
but i'm already somebody's baby
she's a pretty thing
and she knows everything
but i'm already somebody's baby

you don't deserve to be lonely
but those drugs you've got won't make you feel better
pretty soon you'll find it's the only
little part of your life you're keeping together

i'm nice to you
i could make it through
but you're already somebody's baby
i could make you smile
if you stayed a while
but how long will you stay with me, baby?

because your candle burns too bright
well i almost forgot it was twilight
even if i think that you are right
well i'm tired of being down, i got no fight

you're wonderful
and it's beautiful
but i'm already somebody's baby
and if i went with you
i'd disappoint you too
well i'm already somebody's baby
already somebody's baby

falling via chicago

i am listening to this song through my cellphone from a show in chicago, and even with the static and the screaming, it is fantastic.

i have amazing friends.

shake it off

certain things i love, spend my time
i guess i'll have to unhook those hooks

this woman literally
felt she had a hook in her head

rip it up
live it down
make it big
keep it clean
shake it off
take him off
take it off
do him good
keep it up
shake it off

he's a fucking drag, but if you don't then you watch him go
if you can you see it home, you be strong
and when you die it's a shame
but you old life stays the same

she has a hook in her head

i saw this lady close her eyes
the bottle slipped between her fingers
and slid along the aisle

if i were a man i'd have a gun, but i'm so bone tired
i'm so bone tired, i'm old...

i watch the snow make slow time
i watch the snow cover up the bottle
so i can slip between

i will read the label from underneath
i wear the circle in my sleep

***

backspace. i almost forgot you. skipped right over a moment. and, maybe i want to, i don't know. it was unexpected. all of it. even the start, meeting you. i was supposed to be with an old friend. singing along with hands held. but, he'd gone off and left me for a simple flirtation. i was bitter. hurt. but refused to mold into my bedroom walls. so i was there and so were you. john taylor hat, the deepest brown eyes i've ever seen, still, even now. that cocky laughter and well read wit. intelligence is my weakness, and you were bleeding it all over me that night. and, i shook.

i thought i'd never see you again, though you took my number. i waited for the ringing, but the days faded into weeks, and i let you slip my mind. then you appeared again. we had the most awkward first date ever. the stuff they warn you about in cheesy magazines. you were testing me, even then, thought i didn't see it that way. the only moment of connection was the lingering embrace on my porch, then you were gone. i stood there conflicted; touched, but empty. you left me wanting more. i suppose you knew that, guess that was your plan from the start. and then more weeks floated by, with the echoing silence of no ringing.

strange to have this in my mind again. i'd almost forgot this piece of my life. and now, this almost-forgotten is taking up more and more words. i realized today i've rarely written about him, about that time, about the way it all felt to me. so, i suppose i have a lot to put down. to take out, to examine, to shed. funny how the past can come up on you like that. a chorus, a refrain, remember and rewind.

i wouldn't want any of it now. i like it back there. in it's past. but, there is so much i didn't realize i felt about it, and the music reminds me to not forget it all.

when there's something worth running for

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

'rest stop recollection'

there is nothing like a road trip to really define people, open them up, raw, exposed, you never really know someone until you've spent several sticky days in a car, cross-country.

the tape player broke in the first hour, not even out of los angeles and the tape unspooled, fell to the floor, so it was radio or nothing at all, she became shotgun d.j., blurring through the options that long highway stations ready up.

the other three sat in the back, their illusion of a romantic paved adventure slowly shredding and blowing out the half-cracked window, "i can't take another country song" she lamented, her t-shirt tied up to her chest, hair blowing, lips chapped, still beautiful.

we lived off convenience store entrees, potato chips, stale hot dog buns, slush-puppies. he bought her a pack of superhero trading cards, they pasted the wonder woman sticker on my back, sang the theme song, again and again, then started to chant -- back and forward -- all the james bond movies they could name.

fifty miles from new orleans i pulled over to the side of the road, that's where i threw it out, your engagement ring. i don't know why i chose that spot, it just felt right. he baptized the occasion with flat 7-up, on our heads. she was laughing. and my sidekick held my hand, she knew this was really something, more than a postcard could ever say.

getting there was anti-climatic, sure there were showers, clean clothes, space between; but the little luxuries of a hotel room ,and food that didn't come in a sealed bag or styrofoam package, well, it just felt trite, contrived. we all let out individual sighs, at different times, all longed for the map and the a.m. station hell.

but, we didn't go back, not at once, not together. we all found different cobblestone paths to take. me, i went east, found a place in so-ho, got a new ring around my finger, chained again. he stayed put, found a boy to worship him, a humid bar to hang at, the air suited him just fine. she flew back home, after a week, he called her and she couldn't resist.

and, my radio controlled navigator? she hovered just a breath away from my lips, promising everything, nothing, and then blew away, away, poof.

(written by me)

when your mind's made up ~ glen hansard & marketa irglova

dancing barefoot

"what do you want to hear?" he whispers, close enough to me now that each word feels like a tap on my skin, the sound causing ripples of electricity to whip and purr up my spine, settling close to the marks he re-opened on the side of my neck. without meaning or self-control my head tilts towards him, a physical offering up that has more to do with need, than desire.

he turns away, though. an audible sigh pushing out of him, coming from the center of his chest, or somewhere deeper still. if nothing else, the days between have taught me to read gestures and tones quickly, self-preservation at its finest. body language is the one truth that most people emit from them, even in the midst of the most fantastical of lies. the quiet girl in the corner was ever watching, turned it into an act on stage later in life, figured it a game that my mind devoured with no real practical use as i matured. i was wrong. it has saved my so-called life more than any quick wit, hip tilt, or act of seduction ever could.

that said, he confuses me. his every move in direct contradiction to my inner expectation. his eyes cleverly diverting what his body decides to do, his hands spinning webs of distraction as he turns and flees out the back door, leaving me breathless. he is better at this game than i am. and for the fourteenth time in just that many nights i wonder to myself if he sees right through me, if he has figured me right out, if these momentary meetings are just a move on some kind of chess board; as he makes a play at taking my queen right the hell down.

i turn then, stepping away from the antiquated music machine, with thoughts racing as i try to tie words together into a string of something to say. somewhere in the recesses of before i fish out a line to a song, sliced and cut clean out of context and melody, random and most likely nonsensical; but it is there running circles in me, over and over again, all the same.

"why must not death be redefined?"

it is falling from my lips before i stop to pull it back, careful words the only thing i utter any longer, but not these words that are repeating so ceaselessly that i am unsure if i have sung it, or am only just hearing it again in my head.

"you remind me of her. strong and feral, beautiful despite yourself" his voice is still a whisper, his body still turned away and set far across the room.

he pauses just long enough to shuffle through something, his hands moving quickly, until he is there, back behind me again. his arms reach around me as if in an embrace, and i fold into him, waiting for his next words, a next move. instead of pulling me closer, or touching me at all, he just reaches his long arms over my head to drop an album onto the turntable. i watch it begin to spin as he grabs my hand, holding it in his for just a second, then letting it go, resting it right over the arm of the player, guiding me to lift it, to start the music. it is then that he speaks again, right at the same moment as the needle drops, popping and crackling on the vinyl.

dancing barefoot ~ u2

a glimpse back into a nineteen year old self

(lyrics)
i live on a chain
and you share the same last name, as a joke,
i sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked,
you said it made you feel dirty.

and i was waiting over here for life to begin,
i was looking for the new thing,
and you were the sunshine heading my front-line,
i was alone,
you were just around the corner from me.

time alone is good, i spend my days in the city,
dirty neighborhood, you know you'll never convince me,
so i sold the town away,
i couldn't wait to forget you,
i was killed in half a day, i hadn't time to regret you.

and i was waiting over here for life to begin,
i was looking for the new thing
and you were the sunshine heading my front line,
i was alone you were just around the corner from me.

i, i'm still on the chain,
and you, had the same last name,
as a joke i sent a bottle of whiskey
as you choked you said it made you feel dirty...

waiting over here, for life to begin,
still looking for the new thing,
and you were the sunshine heading my front-line,
i was alone, you were just around the corner from me

***

you crept back in when i'd just about forgotten. i think that was part of you style. your pitch. i didn't try so hard this time. let myself be just that. myself. and it lit something in you. my lack of effort. you buzzed around me. lighting matches. opening bottles. wrapping gauze and paper wings around me. we lay in the back of your car. the windows fogged. barely able to make out the screen. the muted voices. the soundtrack. and i gave you something new to me. a one time shot. a milestone. you were careful with me, yes.

floated. my mind drifting. i found it so hard to stay within my skin. but it wasn't a mistake, that night. i know you were overwhelmed when i told you. you felt a temporary burden of responsibility. like you owed me something. you didn't. you were just what i needed then. but, we moved passed the awkward pauses. and, though i sometimes said you broke my heart -- that would be a lie. you left your act behind, that night. your words opened up. upfront. you treated me with something rare to you. above all, i was your friend.

and we might get lost someplace

driving through the long night
trying to figure whos right and whos wrong
now the kid has gone.
i sit belted up tight,
she sucks on a match light, glowing bronze, steering on.
snd i might be more of a man if i stopped this in its tracks
and said, come on, lets go home. but she's got the wheel,
and i've got nothing except what i have on.

when youre driving with the brakes on
when you're swimming with your boots on,
it's hard to say you love someone
and it's hard to say you dont

trying to keep the mood right, trying to steer the conversation from
the thing we've done.
she shuts up the ashtray, and i say its a long way back now hon
she just yawns.

and we might get lost someplace
so desolate that no one where were from would ever come
but shes got the wheel and i've got to deal from now on.

but unless the moon falls tonight, unless continents collide,
nothings gonna make me, break from her side

***

my first car was my solace. my confessional. my escape. it was always full of music, clothing, bags of things; stickers on the outside and inside. sometimes an ice chest. most often my best friend, at the time, in the passenger seat. the navigator. she always -- *always* -- knew how to get everywhere. often, too, there were various people cluttering the back seat. voices chiming back and forth. laughter. singing. arguing. and those deep conversations that sometimes the open road invokes in you.

truth be known i hated going home. if i could have lived in my car then, i would have. in some ways, i did. days when i would wake up at dawn and pack the car. drive anywhere, nowhere in particular, and everywhere. one of my favourite "drives" was up and down pacific coast highway. up and down the coast. being near the water was incredible. rolling down the window, smelling the salty air, the beach breeze, and letting go of everything pent up inside of me. the music blaring as high as it could go.

some days i drove alone. sat in the parking lot of newport beach; rolled the windows down and reclined the seat back. slept. dreamed. got out and sat on the hood. wrote in my journal. cried. screamed. laughed. then got back in. drove through laguna canyon. or hopped the freeway to los angeles, sometimes screaming the words to songs, sometimes whispering. writing poetry on napkins while waiting for the light to change. filling my ashtray with clove cigarettes, and marlboro lights. snapping photographs of random sights. people. places. signs. not going back until the latest possible moment. then still lingering in the driveway for one last song.

sometimes i truly miss the car escapes. the car i have now is not really mine. and even if it was, it feels more like a vehicle to get to and back from places. a machine of necessity. i miss the allure of my old honda civic. the personality it had. the way it was touched by everyone who rode in it. how it was touched by me.

i think i need a road trip. anyone want to join me?

we all want something beautiful

i was down at the new amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
mr. jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
she dances while his father plays guitar
she's suddenly beautiful
we all want something beautiful
i wish i was beautiful
so come dance this silence down through the morning
come out Maria! show me some of them spanish dances
and pass me a bottle, mr. jones

believe in me
help me believe in anything
i want to be someone who believes

mr. jones and me tell each other fairy tales
stare at the beautiful women
"she's looking at you. ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
smiling in the bright lights
coming through the stereo
when everybody loves you, you can never be lonely

i will paint my picture
paint myself in blue and read and black and gray
all of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
grey is my favorite color
i felt so symbolic yesterday

if i knew picasso
i would buy myself a grey guitar and play

mr. jones and me look into the future
stare at the beautiful women
"she's looking at you...
uh, i don't think so. she's looking at me."

standing in the spotlight
i bought myself a grey guitar
when everybody loves me, i will never be lonely

i want to be a lion
everybody wants to pass as cats
we all want to be big stars, but we got different reasons for that

believe in me
because i don't believe in anything
and i want to be someone to believe

mr. jones and me stumbling through the barrio
yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"she's perfect for you, man, there's got to be somebody for me."

i want to be bob dylan
mr. jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
when everybody loves you, son, that's just about as funky as you can be

mr. jones and me staring at the video
when i look at the television, i want to see me staring right back at me
we all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how
but when everybody loves me, i'm going to be just about as happy as can be

mr. jones and me, we're gonna be big stars...

***

i remember falling in love with acting. performing. with the sound of my own voice echoing from the walls of a stage. the sound of applause. and, most of all...most definately of all...being able to slip into the skin and words of someone else. to lose myself in that. to be disguised. to be seen as someone so far away from me. the freedom in that was like a drug. contagious. addictive. divine.

i sat around with the other "actors". i admired them more than i ever let on. sat on the edge of their looks and lashes. listened to everything they had to say. breathed it in. i loved the way i felt like i fit. and i wanted to fit, so badly.

part of me grew. blossomed. developed into someone who wasn't afraid of her own shadow, anymore. i spoke with brazen speed and sound. laughed. dove right into the pages and the open curtains. the applause. but there was a darker part of me. the side of me that was always so self-judgemental. the voice inside with the pen and paper. jotting down my mistakes. my flaws. my trap doors. and i let that voice take front row center. let it overtake the vision of who i was. she laughed at me in my mirror reflection. told me lies. said you want everyone to love you, but *look at you*.

and i fell.

i wanted the arms of those around me to swoop me up. save me. i wanted them to flood me with confidence. bring me up. i wanted to be a star. we all do, don't we? i wanted to not hear that voice anymore. i wanted to be able to see me, and not want to destroy what i saw.

but i couldn't find the solution, not without an exit. so i left it all behind.

i still miss it. deep within me. i miss it.

but writing and music, they fuel me deeper, i think. they give me the parameters and boxes of layers and costumes to try on, to step into and explore...and create. i think this is what i was more suited towards, where my confidence lies, where i feel my strength and abilities contrast, collide, and become *something*. i know most of what i write are just rambling thoughts and reflections on feelings, more often than not inspired by song, but i try to get it out there - everyday a little more - and if nothing else i'm leaving a ink-stained (or keyboard stroked) legacy of something of me.

i wish i was both young and stupid

(one two three once again go)

there is nothing that competes with habit
and i know it's neither deep nor tragic
it's simply that you have to have it

so you can make a killing
oh you can make a killing
oh you can make a killing

i wish i was both young and stupid
then i too could have the fun that you did
till it was time to pony up what you bid

so you could make a killing
oh you could make a killing
oh you could make a killing

i could follow you and search the rubble
or stay right here and save myself some trouble
or try to keep myself from seeing double

or i could make a killing
or i could make a killing
oh i could make a killing
yeah i could make a killing
i could make a killing

being alive is such a jangly reality. all of us, each of us, we are so full of addictions and habits. even when we don't acknowledge them, even when our habits are socially acceptable, even if they are what we call personality flaws, we are full of them. and here we are. each of us full of these holes, coming together, leaking out the edges.

i'm beginning to see the big bright light in my tunnel of existance. i see the street signs, the markings. and i crawl on my hands and knees, searching. peeling back the layers. sifting through the dirt and decay. and still i just stand here more confused. i really don't have a clue as to who i am. what i want. where i need to go.

i just wake up every morning, follow these set rituals that i put in place for who knows why. indulge in my own force of habit(s). smile. laugh. go through so many of the obligatory motions. travel through the day and the time. blindly just moving forward. or is it backward, or am i even moving at all?

i have all this desire in me. all this passion that seems to flood my mind, my thoughts, who i am. and i'm at a loss. where did this all come from, and what on earth do i do with all of this? do i just keep going blindly? lifting the patches off my eyes on occasion, trying to spill all the words and thoughts onto a page? a computer screen? to you? or you? or who exactly?

all of you and all of me

look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
fluorescent and starry
some of them, they surprise

the bus ride, i went to write this, 4:00 a.m.
this letter
fields of poppies, little pearls
all the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed
each and every one a little scary
i said your name

i wore it like a badge of teenage film stars
hash bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras
dreaming of maria callas
whoever she is
this fame thing, i don't get it
i wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it
maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves
i can take you far
this star thing, i don't get it

i'll take you over, there
i'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near

i'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
i'll take you over

will you live to 83?
will you ever welcome me?
will you show me something that nobody else has seen?
smoke it, drink
here comes the flood
anything to thin the blood
these corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet
phone, eat it, drink
just another chink
cuts and dents, they catch the light
aluminum, the weakest link

i don't want to disappoint you
i'm not here to anoint you
i would lick your feet
but is that the sickest move?
i wear my own crown and sadness and sorrow
and who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange?
my loss, and here we go again

i'll take you over, there
i'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near

i'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
i'll take you over

look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
fluorescent and starry
some of them, they surprise

i can't look it in the eyes
seconal, spanish fly, absinthe, kerosene
cherry-flavored neck and collar
i can smell the sorrow on your breath
the sweat, the victory and sorrow
the smell of fear, i got it

i'll take you over, there
i'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near

i'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
i'll take you over

pulls us near
tastes like fear.

nearer, nearer
over, over, over, over
yeah, look over
i'll take you there, oh, yeah
i'll take you there
oh, over
i'll take you there
over, let me
i'll take you there..
there, there, baby, yeah