i wish i was both young and stupid

(one two three once again go)

there is nothing that competes with habit
and i know it's neither deep nor tragic
it's simply that you have to have it

so you can make a killing
oh you can make a killing
oh you can make a killing

i wish i was both young and stupid
then i too could have the fun that you did
till it was time to pony up what you bid

so you could make a killing
oh you could make a killing
oh you could make a killing

i could follow you and search the rubble
or stay right here and save myself some trouble
or try to keep myself from seeing double

or i could make a killing
or i could make a killing
oh i could make a killing
yeah i could make a killing
i could make a killing

being alive is such a jangly reality. all of us, each of us, we are so full of addictions and habits. even when we don't acknowledge them, even when our habits are socially acceptable, even if they are what we call personality flaws, we are full of them. and here we are. each of us full of these holes, coming together, leaking out the edges.

i'm beginning to see the big bright light in my tunnel of existance. i see the street signs, the markings. and i crawl on my hands and knees, searching. peeling back the layers. sifting through the dirt and decay. and still i just stand here more confused. i really don't have a clue as to who i am. what i want. where i need to go.

i just wake up every morning, follow these set rituals that i put in place for who knows why. indulge in my own force of habit(s). smile. laugh. go through so many of the obligatory motions. travel through the day and the time. blindly just moving forward. or is it backward, or am i even moving at all?

i have all this desire in me. all this passion that seems to flood my mind, my thoughts, who i am. and i'm at a loss. where did this all come from, and what on earth do i do with all of this? do i just keep going blindly? lifting the patches off my eyes on occasion, trying to spill all the words and thoughts onto a page? a computer screen? to you? or you? or who exactly?