i know more than i knew before

i feel it all ~ feist

"oh i'll be the one who'll break my heart,
i'll be the one to hold the gun.

i love you more.
i love you more.

i don't know what i knew before,
but now i know i wanna win the war."

nabokov's son pushes to release his last work despite his father's dying wish for it to be destroyed; an unfinished novel called 'the original of laura'. it sparks a conversation of how my name has been ever associated with death/dying/loss, because even at the start i was named after a man who falls in love with a dead woman, or who he thinks is dead, laura (1944 film). years later i'll fall for a series all based around the death of a girl found "dead and wrapped in plastic", one laura palmer. i could go on, really i could, but i don't think i want to.

though it is funny to have a new friend tell you she wrote a story with a girl named laura in it, a prostitute, who dies at the end.

today though, in my early attempts to start feeling better, i'd rather concentrate on "winning the war". i don't need my name immortalized, i don't need anymore songs or stories, i just want to be the one falling, the one breaking my own heart, the one holding the gun, as long as i'm being truly alive.