who do you believe?

life is sweet ~ natalie merchant

"they told you life is hard,
it's misery from the start;
it's dull and slow and painful.

i tell you life is sweet,
in spite of the misery,
there's so much more;
be grateful."

i wander through the day and most of what i hear is the din and echoes of misfortune, misery and negativity. people seem so unhappy, so downtrodden, and often so ugly in their reactions to each other (especially when it comes to cruelty and gossip). it seems to be so much easier to be unhappy, to answer with a scowl, and to have the perspective that life sucks, and that is just the way it goes.

there are days, of course there are, where we wake up feeling less than ourselves. when we are hurting or sad, ill, or just in a blue funk. but there are good days, too; days when we wake up with that ethereal glow about us, when we have a bit of a music in our movements, and a backbeat to our steps. this happens, it does, i have seen it in everyone i know.

i don't know, i suppose i just long for a little bit of happiness sometimes. there is a lot to be grateful for, in all of our lives, if we just look close enough.

and when i see you i really see you upside down

a lack of color ~ death cab for cutie

m, in color

(mine)

she was grey
scorched
languid
lacking
wrapped like a pretzel in the corner
swayingand i tried not to count the bones beneath her skin
tried not to see all the death surrounding her
i looked into her eyes instead
saw the swirl and the colors

her family placed her here
with revolt
and manipulation
they were still trying to make her a black and white character
something small to fit inside of their sitcom lives
but she had the bleeding tones
the bright hues
pouring out of her veins screaming for release

and she starved them
bled them
tore them
tried to kill the color of her soul
fit herself out of herself
for them

we worked in her garden
tried to feed the landgive to the ground something we couldn't give ourselves
i saw her slipping
fading
but i wanted her to just hold on
and i kept looking in the mirror in my room
trying to see myself as the sane one

there were always so many worse than me
like m

some nights the dreams would come
slamming doors in my head
in my thoughts
making me dizzy
weak
and i would just swallow
try to breathe
navigate the disarray of my subconscious

but, i was failing
tripping over my own stack of denial
just wanting to help m walk down the path
to the painting room
hold the can as she dripped her brush
at the ends

there were memories locked into those cement walls
tears
and we were all just passer-bys
biding our time
trying to smile and look "okay"

and, some of us made it to the other end
i did
once i grasped hold of the monster
in the back of my cloudy mind
and agreed to face off with the dragons
of being dismantled

i passed on through
but, m didn't

she painted her rainbows on pots and pans
on the ceiling
in the backyard shade
and then left us

sometimes in the color scheme of my night vision
i see her
not in a black and white re-runs
but riding the beast of sickness
conquering it finally
laying it to rest
in technicolor

* found writing of mine in an old composition book, written for a friend i knew, and lost, a long time ago.

can the child within my heart rise above?

i don't need to sell my soul: a cover mix

Redondo Beach (Live) ~ Morrissey
Crazy ~ Violent Femmes
Gone Daddy Gone ~ Gnarls Barkley
Landslide ~ Smashing Pumpkins
Creep (Live) ~ Damien Rice
What A Waster ~ Adam Green
Panic Attack ~ Dirty Pretty Things
Sexual Healing ~ Hot Chip
Wonderwall (Elements of Noise Remix) ~ Cat Power
I Wanna Be Adored ~ Monsters Are Waiting
Mad World ~ Alex Parks
I'm On Fire ~ Bats For Lashes
Real Love ~ Regina Spektor
Because ~ Elliott Smith
Teardrop ~ Elbow
Just Like Heaven ~ The Watson Twins
Drive ~ The Veils
I'm Not In Love ~ Tori Amos
I Want You To Want Me ~ Chris Isaak

Cover Mix Zipped

color of my dream

i'll be your lover, too ~ van morrison
i'll be your lover, too (live, video) ~ robert pattinson
i'll be your lover, too (live) ~ robert pattinson

"you'll be my queen,
i'll be you king,
and i'll be your lover, too."

jules has reminded me of how much i love van morrison's voice, and songs, especially this one. It had been years since i'd heard i'll be your lover, too, and i think i'd forgotten what the song sounded like, and meant to me. it reminds me of good spots of my childhood, of wild daisies, late june summer evenings that felt as if they would stretch out forever, and bursts of laughter.

years later this song this strummed out on a beat up acoustic guitar, and how i immediately felt like that little girl again. how it brought those memories rushing back to me, flushing my skin and catching my breath, the way music has always done to me. there are few things i remember, and smile at, from my childhood - and this song is attached to some of those rare moments.

the only video of the original i could find was a fan-video for charlie/claire, from lost. it works, though, as i always did love the friendship grown into love relationship they developed, and shared.

i've included robert pattinson's cover of the song because despite the fact that it is a bit rough it has that depth of emotion that the original has, yet takes it somewhere else - it feels a bit darker, more emotional, vulnerable.

i live to make you free

boats & birds ~ gregory & the hawk

"if you be my star, i'll be your sky,
you can hide underneath me and come out at night.
when i turn jet black and you show off your light,
i live to let you shine,
i live to let you shine.

but you can skyrocket away from me,
and never come back if you find another galaxy,
far from here with more room to fly,
just leave me your stardust to remember you by."

this song came around and snuck up on me during the summer, around the same time i fell for the twilight series, and the two became instantly intertwined to me. lately the song has taken on a different shade and tint to me, as i have played it while i've written pieces of a longer story, and it has become part of it - and part of me.

sometimes a pretty love song is just what you need.

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

keep art alive; art by hedi slimane

"i don't believe that anybody,
feels the way i do,
about you now."

wonderwall (live) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live in atlanta, video) ~ ryan adams
wonderwall (live) ~ cat power
wonderwall (elements of noise remix) ~ cat power

this was meant to be saturday's song of the day, but glancing at the clock i see it is after midnight, sunday. though sundays are my favorite days, my little bit of magic in a week; and i feel full of magic tonight. this song, it resonates in me, on so many levels, and in so many spoken (and unspoken) ways.

i am not much for oasis, i never have been, but this song just slays me. i suppose it is the gifts of the covers of this song that made me fall for it - my favorites are up there - ryan (of course), who made me pause and realize that this song is fucking incredible. the video, caught live in atlanta, is amazing - even with the crowd singing along (perhaps that joining in makes it even more amazing).

and chan marshall (cat power) who has this way of taking any song, twisting it up and turning it around, and making it her own - lush and luscious, gorgeous. and the remix of it is quite keen, i must say.

the way they fall

strength through music ~ amanda palmer

"he picked a soundtrack,
and packed his bag.
he hung his walkman,
around his neck.
tick tick tick tick tick."

it took a few listens for this song to completely sink in, for it to seap below my surfaces and course enough through my veins to bring chills to my skin. there is something to soothing in amanda palmer's voice that initially i was too distracted by the sound to realize the content, and perhaps that is part of it, part of the inner lining of this song.

to build a soundtrack to fill your ears while you do something so hugely impactful and life-changing as taking lives, a background sound to cover the reality of sound, that in itself is so deeply chilling. such an escape, and such a release, all at once.

how often do we do this ourselves? not a mass taking of lives (i'd hope), but a barrier of something that shields us from the full impact of reality. perhaps it is the web of music wrapping around us, or maybe it is some kind of physical need satisfied (thirst, hunger, addiction), it could even be the illusion of words and language themselves; i know i've hidden parts of my self in the masquerade of storytelling.

the song is disturbing when you peel back the layers and look deeper, as i suppose we all can be. but it makes me think, analyze, dig up the dirt with my bare hands - finger nails dirty just under the edge - and wonder at things. in everything that happens, be it the beautiful or horrific, we are affected.

he took one look at my face and said i can fix that hole in you

jennylewis.com

jenny lewis is streaming tracks from her upcoming album, acid tongue (which comes out september 23), on her website. i've been listening to the first song posted, and it is so damn good. i love jenny.

the site also shows some of her u.s. & european tour dates, some of which she is sharing stage with conor oberst, which makes me unspeakably happy.

"and by the rolling river,
is exactly where i was.
there was no snake oil cure for unlucky in love.

to be lonely is a habit,
like smoking or taking drugs,
and i've quit them both,
but man was it rough."

nice to be nervous

getting led ~ adam green

"a man fills his quotient,
it changed his notions,
now you see of glimpse of liberty.

but fame could be garish,
it ends his marriage,
to all that you could want for him to be.

we leave tomorrow,
just human cargo;
getting led,
getting led,
getting led."

adam green has been singing to me all morning, even when my music wasn't playing. you ever have that happen? wake up with a singer in the back of your mind, singing songs to you that will invariably get stuck in your thoughts and insert themselves into conversations, and the words you choose to express yourself?

i am remembering kate and i seeing him play at the troubador. how unassuming and shy he seemed when we spoke to him, and how different he was on-stage - energetic, goofy, powerful. there is so much soul in his voice, a depth that hints at an age far beyond his numbers. plus, the silliness, the absurd, the random - i have such a weakness for that.

so, i suppose he isn't too bad to have in a back of my head gig for the day.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

hands down (live) ~ dashboard confessional & michael stipe

thanks to chelle for originally introducing me to this song, and the live version of it, with michael stipe. i almost wish i could hear a version with just michael singing it, his voice has a different level of passion and depth when he sings his parts of the song, which gift the song with stronger feelings, at least to me. it bypasses the adolescent sentiment about new love, and secret passions, and takes it a step further.

i'd say this is a guilty pleasure song, but i try not to feel guilty for things i enjoy. it's just a fucking good song (especially the cover, download it, truly).