everybody's gotta learn sometime

i am having a rough time of it today. between the fires everywhere and the passing of a friend, and just this general feeling of frustration and sadness in my own life; i am struggling with not wanting to burst into tears and hide from the world.

i feel like everything around me is screaming "temporary" and i like to keep reaching up, and moving forward, and believe that there are reasons i am feeling this way. most days i'm better at it, at sorting it out, and recognizing what i can and cannot do. today i'm not dealing well, at all.

i was supposed to be in school right now working towards my teaching degree. that was the plan. to finish school, work part-time, have some time with my writing, and more importantly with my kids. i gave it up so quickly, and i know the reasons i did, and i do not doubt their validity - or the reality that i had no real choice; but i am hurt by it all the same.

i was not supposed to still be having these fights every weekend, the promises that were made were about partnership and responsibility to each other, and to the kids. i believed in it, and i realize the stupidity in that, my ever misguided naivete, but i did believe.

a year ago i was doing this on my own, and now i am back here again, wondering how i managed to go backwards, how i tripped over myself this badly. how i have let myself settle for less, for less than less.

as for my heart, if it only had wings of it's own, or a magic carpet. i feel like it is cracking today, though; splitting apart from the inside, and there really is no glue to fix this right now.

whatever, right? who needs a heart anyway, who needs to be truly loved?

i have watched too many movies and read too much, bought into the linklater, crowe, hornby, believed in too many possibilities. i wanted a love like jacob grace and trixie, lloyd and diane, clementine and joel, jesse and celine.

and, my music obsession, it just hurts along with me. did it come before my lonely and broken heart, or after? does it really matter, we hold hands together and feel this kind of ache.

this should be tagged please disregard and delete. sorry, i am usually not this messy.