Saturday, October 13, 2007

sing this corrosion to me

keep art alive; art by 2h

sometimes it takes the simple action of stepping away from a situation to find the perspective that you felt you were lacking. that whirlwind of overwhelm and convoluted emotion can take you over, drag you down, and steal from you all that passion and inspiration you once were full of. i feel as if this past week was the eruption and implosion of the past three years. that i had held so many things inside, swallowing sharp pieces and decaying lies, still painting on the illusion of strength and survival.

i have it still, all that strong arms and that shooting sense of i can get through anything, and will. but, it has been damaged, there are places that need to heal, scars that have been re-opened and sting with disappointment, and disillusionment. there are these dents and cracks in the ground that i keep tripping over, twisting my ankle and scraping my knees; you would think by now i would know how to avoid them, how to step around, or just jump across. but, i am ever naive, stupidly romantic, and trusting of people that i should keep at a safe distance.

and i can hear the discord and rhyme from people as i stumble on by, the echo and refrain of will she never learn?

i have learned things, and i have made repeated mistakes, especially in regards to trusting others with my heart, my feelings, my words. but, these were my mistakes to make, my misguided angels to fall for, my misaligned strung up hallelujahs to sing. part of it has been allowing myself to be too many things to too many people, and invariably never enough for anyone. i know this, i preach this, i take it to be part of my personal tenant; and yet, somehow i got hooked into being on all the current places to be, i fell into the lure of the internet communities.

they have that hazy image of family to them, that inferred feeling of being understood and belonging. seems so ridiculous, doesn't it? to be in my late thirties and still longing for that sense of fitting in. it truly is rubbish, and so blatently adolescent. but, when you never had a functional family, when you lacked the rebellion and playfulness of youth, when you never truly got to be a child, a teenager, or a young woman - well, something somewhere has to give. eventually you will make these mistakes that those around you, even those younger than you, will shake their heads at and think why would you even need this at all?

for what it's worth i do not think it wrong to need connection, and to cling to where you find it. and, i do believe that you can make real friendships with people even if you have never shared the same breathing space with them. no matter that i have been hurt in these sorts of situations, and communities, does not mean that i do not believe in their positive existance or how they can be something truly incredible. hurt and disappointment happens, no matter where you meet someone, and no matter how long you have known them. i refuse to feel less than for opening up to people. i may be stupid, but i do not regret the way i love or give, to anyone.

all that said, though, i have found myself in a state of exhaustion and realization that i have spread myself too thin. that in this moment i need to pull back, re-adjust the life-lens, shake myself free from the drama and expectations, and stop being part of the machinations of entertainment and the you're so cool indie requirements. i need to heal from some of this, i need to find myself in some of this, and i need to keep writing because my soul aches when i do not let the words out. this is where i need to be now, in my own space, without other people's definitions or expectations to live up to. i need to get back to being okay with just being me. and, no, this had nothing to do with any one person's words, actions, or deeds; even though there are those who have hurt me lately - some with intent to wound, and others without meaning to. that is all part of life, though, isn't it?

like my blog says, in the ever-resonate words of clementine, i am just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.

and now, if you don't mind, i need to dance.

"i got nothing to say i ain't said before
i bled all i can,
i wont bleed no more
i don't need no one to understand."

6 comments:

Dale said...

Sing, like a healing hand!

<3 Dale

lucy said...

it is impossible to not dance to this song.

<3

ROCKNROLLPIMP said...

this is almost too much for me tonight
i just remembered i can see you here as it would be better really.
i forgot i got all ya'll's blogs and saved em to my feeds
i am really a lil more deeper than i come off as
the mask behind the facade if you will
i don't want a buncha pll reading what i have/want to say to you
i don't know how many readers you have here
my blog used to contain a bunch of personal stuff and i deleted it and have never took it to another level
i have you know
and there is A LOT i want to say to you....i dunno
MAINLY what to do and say
except in this e/world place and time i care for you so much and you are my muse and something i could come to love...as if.....

Michelle Tackabery said...

Hey blue skies, don't ever give up that which makes you unique . . . cling to it because it will also see you through. I read once that T.S. Eliot said that you should find the thing that people criticize you for in your writing . . . and never give it up. Because that is the thing that makes you unique. And you are unique, dream child.

I fucking love this song. It's so over the top rock and roll, but it's also so raw. When I hear it and dance to it, I can see buildings collapsing behind my eyes from years of rot. What's left, what remains, is what is important. This is a good process you are going through dear.

Well, what do you say?
Do you have a word for giving away?
Got a song for me?

Anonymous said...

ahh Luce. Helter Skeltor.. Leo Jesse Robert... and us... train tunnels with sunrises and ripped stockings.

lucy said...

i miss those sunrises at chatworth.