i'm willing to be wrong

i wish people would be upfront in their intentions, and that we all would take a moment to open ourselves up to the differences between each other. i feel like it is all too easy to have the words i support you in whatever and i'm here for you fall from our mouths, and all that rare to stand behind those words and be that person for someone. it is so fucking easy to judge other people's lives, and to think you know what is best for them, or to even know where their heart lies. i wish people would just ask me things directly, and not try to read between the lines of my writing. i wish people would not throw around words like connection and love and understanding unless they truly mean it, because lately it seems there are very few people that act on any of that. and, unless you walk in someone else's shoes and know the dynamics and paths they walk, i think assumptions and conclusions should be your own - and not masked as caring or concern when all it is really is expectation and perception.

there are very few people who know what is going on in my life right now, few enough to count on one hand and not use all my fingers. and in that realization of who i feel like letting in, and what paths i am deciding on in my life, i am realizing that i have held too much out to the public light in some feigned desire to be accepted, or to have someone tell me i was right, and understood. all this time i thought i was so damn open, when really i have just fallen farther down into roles and masked silences. somewhere along the line i lost myself in my own writing, and it ended up being something else altogether than i meant it to be. and, in that, i tried to incorporate need and want into all the words and spaces because so much of that has been missing in my life. all along i've been so closed up and much of it i did not even notice.

i feel cracked open. i feel finally understood by few and completely disregarded by others; but, inside of me, i feel like i'm finally free. i think somewhere along the lines and curves of life i forgot how i love, and how it feels to love. i forgot how to be me in the process of trying to facilitate what i interpreted that everyone wanted from me. and you know what, it was my issue, not anyone else's. maybe i used it as a scapegoat to not have to risk anything real; perhaps it was an attempt to manipulate myself into something i thought i wanted to be; or, maybe it was a way to hide the cracks and flaws in my heart, and my life. what i do know for sure is that the last five months have been eye-opening, and the last few days life-changing.

my take away from all of this? it is okay to fuck up, it is okay to change, it is okay to be wrong and it is okay to be right. fear is not always a sign of something bad, unless of course it is a fear of being happy. it is okay to love and be loved, and it is okay to take chances and have faith in things that maybe others will criticize you for. you can be broken and beautiful at the same time, and that is alright, too. and, i think that people come into our lives for a reason, and that we have to let go of some people for reasons, too.

and yeah, as sung in this song, i'm willing to be wrong