but you'll never see the end of the road while your traveling with me

keep art alive; art by tara mcpherson

it is strange how it happens, how confusion turns to clarity, as if the stars in the sky suddenly turn into beacons of something close to truth.

i wished for your return for years, it was always that secret longing that i tried to tuck away and scoff at as nonesense, and deny; but in actuality it was you i wished for on stars, and on the toss of coins into various bodies of water. and then one day i did tuck it away, or more honestly i let it go. i had to. you had let me go so long before, and i wanted to live; and, you cannot live an authentic life if your heart is floating out there in the ether, trying to re-attach itself to someone who is now far and away.

and live i have, maybe not happily all the time, but not unhappily all the time, either. i have amazing children and the keenest of friends, i have a career even though i loathe to admit it sometimes, and i have my writing and music. and, i have gone on and let myself really love again.

so, thank you for knocking on my door, and thank you for acknowledging what we meant to you, what i meant to you. and i honestly wish you the best of everything, and i am over here so proud of you for taking these rough steps at self-awareness and healing. but, i cannot be yours anymore.

even though there is a part of me that would love to try, i know that part of me is still wavering in that often alluring sense of nostalgia, and the rest of me - well she is quite happy to be living in the now. and, although it often feels impossible, and although i more than often feel that i falter and fail at it, i am in love.

and, i've given up on love before, it was my protection, and a control issue, and a defense that i learned from the pain of loving you. and no, i don't blame you for it, not at all; i am actually quite grateful for all that you did teach me about love. but, i am not willing to give up on love anymore, either.

love is not disposable, and it is not replaceable either - not even by someone who was once very incredible to me. so, i'm willing to take the tough roads, to not give up even when there are obstacles and doubts, because i still very much believe in love's possibility. i hope you find that for yourself, in this life, too.

thank you, my dear friend, for everything; but i think it is time to say goodbye to who we used to be, and hello to the friends we are meant to be now.

"now i'm walking again to the beat of a drum

and i'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

get to know the feeling of liberation and relief
hey now, hey now

don't dream it's over."

don't dream it's over (live) ~ neil finn