if no one's on your canvas, i'm achin to be

i much prefer being seen like this, and for this to be how i am thought of. what i found today, written by someone who once claimed to love me, hurt more than i expected. when you come from a past where the abuse you suffer is put back you, blamed on you, pinned to the idea that you deserved it, that you are worth nothing except for what your body can give, then it is very hard to grow up with any sort of healthy view on sex. but, i've tried. i've fought for it. i've worked on my issues, and even allowed a few people in that close. it takes a hell of a lot of trust for me to allow myself to be that vulnerable, and if i give that trust to you it means more than most people realize. today, what i was defined as, it brought back those insecurities and worthless feelings. i felt like big parts of my self-esteem were chipped away at with a dull knife, leaving marks that take awhile to heal.

i have to remember to step away from this kind of thing and remember that some people do see me for who i am. and in that, in the experience of really being seen, is a place of safety, intimacy and trust that i am grateful for.

thanks to the two k's in my life, the one that stood up for me today and the other who sent me this song. i love you both.

xxx.

"well she's kind of like an artist
sittin' on the floor
never finishes, she abandons
never shows a soul

and she's kind of like a movie
everyone rushes to see
and no one understands it
sittin' in their seats

she opens her mouth to speak and
what comes out's a mystery
thought about, not understood
she's achin' to be

well she dances alone in nightclubs
every other day of the week
people look right through her
baby doll, check your cheek

and she's kind of like a poet
who finds it hard to speak
poems come so slowly
like the colors down a sheet

she opens her mouth to speak and
what comes out's a mystery
thought about, not understood
she's achin' to be

i've been achin' for a while now, friend
i've been achin' hard for years

well she's kind of like an artist
who uses paints no more
you never show me what you're doing
never show a soul

well, i saw one of your pictures
there was nothin' that i could see
if no one's on your canvas
well, i'm achin' to be

she closes her mouth to speak and
closes her eyes to see
thought about and only loved
she's achin' to be
just like me"

achin to be ~ the replacements