shame

sometimes i notice things in another person that i tuck away, and try to ignore. i prefer to think the best of people, to see their shiny bits, and close my eyes to some of the rougher edges. this does not mean i have issues with flaws, on the contrary, i happen to love the flaws that make us all human. what i mean more is the pieces of people that are hurtful, deceitful, or cruel. we all have those things, i suppose, but most of us contain them, control them, or work hard to overcome them. hoping for that is part of what makes me go blind to it, and part of it is denial. that said, it is always there, no matter how carefully i hide the feelings, if i have felt it i still do somewhere.

then one day it hits me, a lie surfaces, a behavior rears it's self to the light and i realize that i should have kept my eyes open with this. and, somehow in the process of it all, i end up stuck in it. a foot, or a finger, or sometimes my heart stained by it. i used to fall into defense when something like that would happen, an act to most likely justify the fact that deep down i knew it all along. but, i think i'm learning a lot lately about who i am, and what i want to be. and, sitting around doing something that isn't right, and then getting angry at someone else for doing the very same thing; i suppose it is like taking a spotlight and putting all of it under there for closer investigation.

the truth is, i did know it all along, and i am not the girl for this. it is a shame, though, i really believed in you.

"a long time you waited
you thought it had abated
shame of it all
the harm that it causes
pours down like a faucet
shame of it all."

shame ~ low