Wednesday, January 2, 2008

it was a wonderful splash

"we must hang up in the belfry where the bats in moonlight laugh
we must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
and in the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love
we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge."

two hours back to work and the anxiety attacks are back, and i am finding that it is hitting me harder and faster than i expected. i walked away from a ridiculous battle of ego that was going on, that i was being skillfully pulled into, and just shook my head. i stood outside and tried to breathe, not cry, and not just get back into my car and go home. i knew it would be rough going back, that my time home with family and real living would be hard to leave, but i think i did not realize just how much daily stress my life had become. there has to be more to life than this, more than the soul-crushing weight of work that really has not meaning, or most days, any need at all.

this song, and the feeling of just letting go and plunging into what comes, is saying what i cannot express this morning. i need to find my tolerance level, my boundaries, my belfry to hang from. because honestly i know i cannot leave here right now, that i need to hold fast and get through it, and that at the end of this all lie the bigger things i want in this life. but today, right now, i would rather just crash into the ocean.

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